May 10, 2005
Hammers, Neighbors, and Smoke Alarms
Today I was awakened by the sounds of a banging hammer. I couldn’t get upset that hammering was taking place. After all, it was taking place at 11:00 a.m., a perfectly legitimate time to use a hammer in an apartment complex. However, it was the manner in which the hammer was being used that disturbed me. If I didn’t know better, I would swear that the neighbor (for some reason, I think it was a she, though I have no real basis for this assumption, especially since the noise was coming from a floor above mine) learned how to hammer from a hummingbird. Her strokes were so delicate and so repetitive – it just sounded so damn inefficient. Regardless, even though the hammering was incredibly annoying, I don’t fault the hammer’s owner. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to borrow her hammer in the future.
After seeing the movie Crash (so much promise unrealized), I arrived home around 11:30 p.m. From the exterior of my apartment complex, I could hear a chirping noise. While walking down the hallway, the chirping sound became more audible. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that it was coming from an apartment directly adjacent to mine (though I’m sure my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law would have struggled to figure out what was going on. Here's to hoping my nephew didn’t inherit the "imbecile" gene). I’ve never seen the person who actually occupies this particular apartment, but out of concern, I knocked on the door to make sure he or she was okay. Turns out he was absolutely fine.
Neighbor: “May I help you?”
Thinking Fool: “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Neighbor: “Oh, I’m fine, I’m just cooking.”
Thinking Fool: (Looking a bit bewildered) “You’re just cooking?”
I’ve cooked a lot of meals in my apartment and I’ll confess that I have set my smoke detector off on occasions. When this has happened, I’ve immediately opened windows, turned on fans, opened my door – pretty much done anything possible to get the smoke detector to shut up. Why? Because the noise that comes out of these things is without a doubt the most obnoxious, annoying sound on the planet. I’m not joking. I would rather hear nails on a chalkboard for hours rather than be subjected to the smoke alarm sound for even a few minutes. Maybe it's just this particular brand; regardless, it’s just awful. The fact that my neighbor endured this sound for a minimum of 45 minutes leads me to question his mental stability. I don’t know if he plans on cooking often, but in the future, I hope he figures out how to make food without making so much noise. Otherwise, I can envision the following scenario taking place.
Neighbor: “Oh, it’s you again. May I help you?”
Thinking Fool: “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your alarm is going off...AGAIN.”
Neighbor: “That’s because I’m cooking. I love to cook!”
Thinking Fool: “That’s become quite obvious over the last few weeks. But, dude, your alarm has been going off for the last half hour and it’s really getting to me. Can’t you make it stop?”
Neighbor: “Oh, it’s not that bad. Besides, I’ll be done cooking in the next fifteen minutes. If it’s really bothering you, just go take a walk or do something else for a little while.”
(Thinking Fool leaves. Neighbor closes his door. Two minutes pass. Thinking Fool returns and knocks on neighbor’s door.)
Neighbor: “You’re back.”
Thinking Fool: “Yes, I am. I think I have a solution to this smoke alarm problem.”
Neighbor: “Really, what is it?”
Thinking Fool: (Walking towards the smoke alarm and standing on a chair). “It’s called the ‘Fool-proof Hammer Approach!’ It’s quite simple. Let me show you. You take a hammer (taking the hammer) and beat the living crap out of the smoke alarm (hitting smoke alarm with great anger) until it finally goes silent (smoke alarm dies). (Smiling) There, fixed!”
(Neighbor stands there speechless.)
Thinking Fool: “Hey, I’m negotiating a new lease right now. May I list you as a reference?”
Comments
Laughed out loud at your solution to the smoke detector problem. Did you really smash it?! For me, the most obnoxious sound is a car alarm. Second place goes to "baby crying." Reminded me of an old joke "I came from a really tough neighborhood." "Really? How ... tough ... was it?" "It was so tough ...(calculated pause) ... we had snooze alarms on our smoke detectors." (drum riff)
Posted by: Dan at May 11, 2005 05:49 PM
I only smashed it in my imagination, but I won't rule it out should the new neighbor cook frequently.
Posted by: Fool at May 11, 2005 06:16 PM
Excellent punchline. I don't think smoke alarms are quite the most annoying sound in the world though; squalling children have to win that one as far as I can tell.
Posted by: erosophe at May 11, 2005 11:35 PM
You haven't heard the smoke alarms in my building. Think screaming children meet nails on chalkboard meet car alarms meet Rosie Perez's character in White Men Can't Jump and you still haven't successfully matched the sound of these particular smoke alarms.
Posted by: Fool at May 11, 2005 11:40 PM
