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May 05, 2005
Ideas for Negotiating your next Lease - Threaten Them with Porn!
I am currently negotiating a short-term lease with the property manager of my apartment complex, hoping to pay far less than the absurd month-to-month rate recently suggested by management. After one day of negotiating, we're pretty close to reaching a deal, largely because management has come way down from its initial ludicrous offer. Why am I telling you this and why should you care?
ANSWER: Because fearing that management would play hardball, I generated some great ideas (okay, one so-so idea) on how you can negotiate with your landlord with no less force than that displayed by Stalin at the Yalta Conference. (Like Stalin, you might even do so well that you end up controlling half of Europe!)
Let's pretend my negotiation with management was not going well and that the property manager wanted to play hardball. I can envision the following exchange taking place:
Thinking Fool: Isn't there any possible way you can come down from that price? I've been a loyal tenant for the last three years and always pay my rent on time! Doesn't that mean anything?
Management: Nope. If you don't pay our asking price, we're going to rent your place to someone else. (Said while smiling of course.)
Thinking Fool: But if you don't sign me to a new lease, my apartment might be vacant for awhile, and that would cause you to lose money!
Management: You have a very nice apartment. It won't be hard to rent it out.
Thinking Fool: It might be hard to rent it out if I refuse to let you guys show it until I vacate the premises.
Management: You have to let us show your apartment. It's in your lease.
Thinking Fool: Hmm, maybe I ought to look at my lease at some point in time. (Fool pauses and pretends he is thinking.) Tell you what, I'll take your word that I must allow you to show others my apartment (I have no idea if this is actually in my lease, but kind of doubt it). Are you CERTAIN that you can't offer me a lower price?
Management: Mr. Fool, you're wasting my time here.
Thinking Fool: Well, I don't want to waste your time. I'm sorry we couldn't come to an understanding. (Fool starts walking out of the leasing office, but pulls a Columbo and comes back and starts talking like Columbo, even magically donning a trench coat and cigar!) Oh, Ms. Property Manager, there's just one more thing. Do you need anything from the store?
Management: Pardon me.
Thinking Fool: The store, do you need anything from the store?
Management: No, thank you, Mr. Fool.
Thinking Fool: Well, if you change your mind, let me know because I'm heading out in a few minutes. I don't even know why I'm telling you this - it's definitely embarrassing - but, in the next hour or so, I'm going to go to the nearest Border's and purchase every pornographic magazine on sale.
Management: I don't need to know this.
Thinking Fool: You're completely right, I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. I apologize. (Walking out, but quickly turning around) Well, it's just that, I really am going to buy every magazine that features naked pictures. I don't care if those pictures are of naked women or naked men or even naked men and women together. If the store sells it, I'm going to buy it! Anyway, I really should get going. (Walking out again, but turning around!) Oh, but there's just one more question. You don't happen to know where I can get some good masking tape, do you?
Management: Mr. Fool, seriously, I need to get going.
Thinking Fool: Well, you see, the reason I ask about the tape is that I'm planning to tear out all of the naked pictures from the magazines so I can tape them to the walls in my apartment. By the time I'm finished, you won't be able to close your eyes in my apartment and not see porn. (Walking out, but quickly turning around!) You know, in thinking about this, I'm not so certain that people who see my apartment are going to be real eager to rent it. (Pausing, satisfied with his performance!) Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. . . . I'm truly sorry. If you need anything from the store, just let me know. I'm planning to leave in about fifteen minutes.
Management: We might be able to come down on our initial price a little bit.
Thinking Fool: You don't say?
If somebody successfully tries the above approach, maybe we can get it in the next edition of Getting to Yes!
Comments
I hadn't thought of wallpapering my apartment in porn as a negotiating technique.
...I just did it because I like porn.
Posted by: Marshall at May 5, 2005 03:49 PM
I'm new to "Thinking Fool." Mr. Fool, this post is great, I can't wait to get through the rest. Stay in touch.
Posted by: trutanich at May 25, 2005 11:15 AM
Fool (no need to be formal and add the Mr. part),
That's is some nice thinking. I had thought you were going to offer them porn (not necessarily wth you in it) as an incentive for extending your lease. But I have to admit your solution is much better and less likely to get a public indencency citation.
Rong
Posted by: rong at June 22, 2005 11:39 AM
Why not just hire live-in whores? They could generate income to help you pay your rent and scare away potential bidders for your apartment?
Posted by: The Con Law Magician at June 22, 2005 12:24 PM
Con Law Magician,
As usual you are thinking outside the box (see e.g., rabbit in the hat comment, neck resembles organ comment, and any other comment you've made in my presence). I might give your idea a go at some point. :)
Posted by: Fool at June 22, 2005 05:09 PM
I want to read more about negotiating. Do you think this scenario would have worked if the shoe was on the other foot? What if the tenant were a girl? Hmmmm...
Posted by: Fool's Sis at June 30, 2005 03:36 PM
