June 23, 2005
How to Raise Children: Ten Necessary and Practical Rules
Raising children is a difficult job. Last time I checked (which in the interest of full disclosure was never) hospitals didn’t give parents instruction manuals on how they should raise their kids. (From a utilitarian perspective, it would be very helpful if certain people just refrained from having kids in the first place. Yes, I have a couple people in mind. For starters, if you have ever flown on a commercial airplane (especially if you flew from Louisville to Baltimore-Washington International Airport on Fathers Day 2005) and voluntarily chose to wear a shirt with the phrase “I LIKE TO SWING” plastered across the front, you should NOT procreate. (I was quite tempted to ask this particular woman if her shirt referred to the type of swinging that we all enjoyed when we were children or if "swing" had some other meaning in this context. Because I didn’t want to get punched by the woman, nor her traveling companion, I refrained from asking the question, which is really a shame because I imagine the answer would have been quite colorful.) If you have ever attended a Major League Baseball game with your son and run onto the field and attacked one of the umpires, you should not procreate. (Unfortunately, the guy who did this already has a son. I’d personally donate money to help fund a study dedicated to tracking that man’s kid(s) over the next several years. I have a feeling the son will turn out to be one of the community’s finer upstanding citizens.)
There can’t be a universal How-to-Raise-a-Child manual because children are unique human beings who respond differently to different situations. Whereas one kid might respond extremely well to being beaten with a belt and a mace (think medieval torture weapon, not stuff you spray to temporarily blind someone) as punishment for staying up one minute past his bedtime, his younger brother might react in a less positive way, perhaps crying, perhaps calling Child Protective Services, or perhaps even blowing his parents’ brains out with a shotgun. Nevertheless, even though no two children are the same, I firmly believe there are some universal truths that should be taught to all children. By teaching children the following basic ideas, I think parents would ensure that their youngsters would grow up to be better citizens of the world.
I'm not saying these should be posted on the wall next to the Ten Commandments, but you might want to post them on the fridge!
Rule #1: Never talk to a stranger, especially if the stranger is a man who is driving a windowless van in close proximity to your school. Windowless vans are evil and should be banned by Congress in accordance with its power to regulate interstate commerce. If you don’t understand what “interstate commerce” covers, you should go to law school. Law school won't teach you what "interstate commerce" means even after studying the concept for a full semester, but don't fret. You will learn and understand the concept in about one day when you take a bar review course.
Rule #2: Never take candy from a stranger under any circumstances.
Rule #3: Rule number two doesn’t apply on Halloween. This should help teach you that there is almost always an exception to every rule.
Rule #4: If you plan to toilet paper the neighbor’s house and/or yard, please ask your mother and/or father to point out what property belongs to the neighbor and what property belongs to your family. Accidentally toilet papering your own property does not make for a fun morning the next day. (Hey, I was young and an idiot and it would confuse you too if you were in the single digit years, so lay off or I'll be forced to invoke the advice in rule number nine.)
Rule #5: If a stranger ever approaches you and asks if you’ll help him find his lost dog, you are to respond by saying, “I’d love to help you search for your dog, but after spending several years in Korea, I’ve grown accustomed to eating dogs.” At that point you are to pause and flip off the stranger while saying, “Best of luck with your search, you pervert.” Yes, you may say this even if you've never been to Korea. Lying is appropriate in limited circumstances. This is one of those circumstances.
Rule #6: Never put pieces of human crap (as in poop) on a pizza. If you must put pieces of human feces on a pizza, never proceed to take that pizza to school administrators and blame a rival cheerleading group for placing the crap on the pizza. If you can’t refrain from placing the crap on the pizza AND taking the pizza to an administrator AND blaming a rival cheerleading squad for placing the crap on the pizza, please tell your mom and/or father about what you’ve done immediately. At that point, we will enter ourselves in the “Biggest Failures as Parents” competition.
Rule #7: Do not ever date Tom Cruise. Yes, I know he’s engaged. Don’t worry. He’ll be divorced soon. Son, pay attention. This rule applies to you too. (Riddle me this. How do you think Chris Klein is feeling these days?)
Rule #8: If you ever get separated from your Boy Scouts Troop and find yourself stranded in the middle of the woods in Utah for more than three days, disregard the rule about not talking to strangers. Yes, I know you’ll be worried that you might get kidnapped. And unfortunately, I’m not telling you that you won’t be kidnapped. However, at that point in time, there will be thousands of people looking for you, and if you just happen to be found by a pedophile, well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but let’s just say that God's ready for you.
Rule #9: At least one time in your life, when you’re having a heated confrontation with a classmate, coworker, or colleague, follow the lead set forth last summer by Dick Cheney, the Vice President of the United States, when he told Senator Patrick Leahy, “Go fuck yourself.” Note, this rule does not apply to conversations that you have with your boss, nor does it apply to conversations you have with your parents.
Rule #10: If you ever find yourself needing to negotiate a new lease with your landlord, feel free to use pornography as a bargaining chip. (Yes, I'm serious.) If in the process of negotiating the new lease, you happen to run across a Chinese Diplomat in the building, NEVER tell that diplomat that someone else lived in his apartment before he did.
Comments
You may not have heard of the Nobel Prize of people who should not procreate- the Darwin Award (http://darwinawards.com/). "The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways. Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously." (Id.)
“The Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives: by eliminating themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chance of long-term survival. In other words, they are cautionary tales about people who kill themselves in really stupid ways, and in doing so, significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race.”
“These individuals carry out disastrous plans that any average pre-teen knows are the result of a really bad idea. The single-minded purpose and self-sacrifice of the winners, and the spectacular means by which they snuff themselves, make them candidates for the honor of winning a Darwin Award. The terrorist who mails a letter bomb with insufficient postage deserves to win a Darwin Award when he blows himself up opening the returned package. As does the fisherman who throws a lit stick of dynamite for his faithful golden retriever to fetch and return to him. As do the surfers who celebrate a hurricane by throwing a beachfront party and getting washed out to sea.”
“Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards represent examples of evolution in action by showing what happens to people who are unable to cope with the basic dangers of the modern world. These ironic tales of fatal misadventure illustrate some of life's most important lessons.”
“Most of us know instinctively that the words "trust me" and "light this fuse" are a recipe for disaster. We assume that basic common sense eliminates the need for public service announcements such as, "Warning: Coffee is hot!" and "Superman cape does not enable wearer to fly." But the true stories you will read show that common sense is really not so common. No amount of overzealous caution would have helped the man who used household current to electrocute fish in a pond, then waded in to collect his catch without removing the wire. As you'll see, there are even people who need to be told not to peek inside a gas can using a cigarette lighter.”
The criteria that must be met to win are pretty stiff:
“Nominees significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an obviously stupid way. They are self-selected examples of the dangers inherent in a lack of common sense, and all human races, cultures, and socioeconomic groups are eligible to compete. Actual winners must meet the following criteria:
Reproduction
Out of the gene pool: dead or sterile.
Excellence
Astounding misapplication of judgment.
Self-Selection
Cause one's own demise.
Maturity
Capable of sound judgment.
Veracity
The event must be true.”
This is one of the “best”:
Faulty Aim Fatal
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."
During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"
Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion.
Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.
It’s probably better that this man is not procreating…
Posted by: NYU Jew at June 23, 2005 04:27 PM
Check out this story on a real badass:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050622/od_nm/kenya_leopard_dc;_ylt=AuUYvBA1xRRZzG4.QkXJj38SH9EA;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCU
Posted by: Fermanator at June 25, 2005 11:42 AM
Fermanator!!!
Welcome to my site!
Great story on the leopard-killer.
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Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at June 26, 2005 07:43 AM
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Posted by: NYU Jew at June 26, 2005 11:08 PM
