Thinking Fool

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June 26, 2005

If I had this Man by my Side, I wouldn't be afraid to Mouth off to ANYBODY!

If you were forced to walk through the roughest neighborhood of a major city at night, but were given the opportunity to have one person walk by your side (for protection purposes), whom would you choose? If the person could be fictional, I think you'd have to go with Batman (more on him and his latest film soon) or Charles Bronson’s character from the Death Wish films (must-sees!), or maybe even Michael Myers of Halloween fame (of course with Myers, you’d bear a very high risk of having him kill you). If we’re talking about real people, then I think you’d have to consider going with Shaquille O’Neal (it’s hard for me to imagine that many people are going to mess with you when you’ve got a 7’1” 325-pound man strolling by your side) or maybe some badass U.S. Special Forces Soldier. Obviously, there are a ton of possibilities. However, if I'm the one doing the picking, I'm not going with Shaq. I'm not going with Batman. I'm not even going with O.J. Simpson. (With him, at least you're guaranteed to get someone who knows how to use a knife! I can't believe that bastard is still alive. Seriously, aren't you surprised that Fred Goldman hasn't had O.J. murdered?)

I'm going with Kenya's Daniel M’Mburugu!

Daniel who?

Daniel M’Mburugu is not a famous Kenyan marathon runner, nor a brutal warlord overseeing a civil war, nor some famous war hero. Nope, he’s just a 73-year-old grandfather who happens to earn his living by farming. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Fool, you’ve got to be dyslexic. You meant Thirty-Seven, right? You can’t possibly want a SEVENTY-THREE-year-old serving as your protection on the streets of Harlem or South Central Los Angeles.”

Let me explain. Last week, M’Mburugu was tending to his farm in Kenya when a sneaky leopard suddenly attacked him. When the leopard sank its teeth into M’Mburugu’s wrist and started mauling M’Mburugu with its claws, M’Mburugu did NOT take the machete that was in one of his hands and start striking the animal with it. (If it had been me, I would have gone with the "Let me hit this thing with my machete" course of action instead of pursuing the following.) Instead, M’Mburugu decided to take care of business by reaching his hand into the leopard’s mouth and pulling the animal’s tongue out. Think about that. He pulled the leopard's tongue out.

(If you're a leopard and you lose a fight to a human because that human pulls your tongue out, don't you just have to die at that point? Even if the wound isn't fatal, you can't possibly show yourself to the other leopards can you?

Leopard without Tongue: "Guys, I'd meow (or whatever the hell noise leopards make), but I really can't make a lot of sounds because I don't have a tongue anymore."

Other Leopard #1: "Oh really, what happened, did you get in a fight with a lion again?"

Leopard without Tongue: "Ummmmm, actually a human beat me up."

Other Leopard #2: "Those dirty bastards. He used a knife on you, didn't he?"

Leopard without Tongue: "Ummmmm, actually, no, he kind of, well, he kind of dropped his knife."

Other Leopard #3: (Very confused) "He dropped his knife?"

Leopard without Tongue: "Yeah."

Other Leopard #3: "Well, son. What in the hell did he use to cut off your tongue then?"

Leopard without Tongue: "Well, he didn't exactly cut it off."

Other Leopard #2: "He didn't?" (Said with a skeptical tone very similar to the one used by the main partners in The Firm when Mitch (Tom Cruise) had a meeting with them alerting them to the fact that the FBI had contacted him)

Leopard Without Tongue: "No, he, ummm. Well, he sort of just ripped it out of my mouth with his hands."

Other Leopard #1: "My dear boy, why didn't you attack him?"

Leopard Without Tongue: "This was all sort of going on when I was attacking him."

I'm pretty sure if that sort of conversation ever took place among a group of leopards that the tongue-less leopard would get excommunicated from the community immediately. In other words, he'd be eaten pretty quickly.)

I don't know much about how Kenya handles its finances, but if I'm the President or Prime Minister or whatever they've got over there, I'm immediately setting aside about ten million dollars to erect a fifteen story monument in tribute to M’Mburugu's courage and bravery. In other words, I'm erecting a monument that is a replica of M’Mburugu's testicles. You just don't get tougher than this guy. If the people at Successories (that company that makes those cool pictures about "courage," "teamwork," and a bunch of other goofy things) aren't comatose, they'll contact M’Mburugu immediately and ask if they can use a photo of his testicles in a new poster revolving around courage. Envision it. You've got a poster-sized picture of a leaping leopard on the left side, M’Mburugu's testicles in the center, and a dead leopard on the right. Think up a witty caption and I'm telling you, Successories could make a fortune off this concept.

Needless to say, as long as M'Mburugu is alive, I don't care how old the man is. If I ever need someone to back me up, I want him by my side.

Posted by fool on June 26, 2005 01:38 AM

Comments

Posted by: Neel Mehta at June 27, 2005 04:23 AM