June 02, 2005
My Run-In with the Chinese Diplomat
The building in which I reside is home to quite a few diplomats. One of several Chinese diplomats lives on my floor in a corner apartment. Before he moved in, his apartment was occupied by another Chinese diplomat and that diplomat’s wife. My nature is to talk to strangers when opportunities present themselves (don’t worry; I draw the line at accepting candy). Thus, I always try to make small talk with the diplomats and try to test my foreign language skills in the process by attempting to drop a few words in the diplomats’ native languages. (This is far easier with diplomats from Central and South America because I actually speak Spanish somewhat well. By “somewhat well,” I mean I am capable of speaking broken Spanish in the present tense, swearing, and cracking jokes (mostly involving the word "verga" - it's slang for a portion of the male anatomy). Chinese, on the other hand, is far more difficult. I only know three Chinese words/phrases, and I’ve already used them about a dozen times on each Chinese diplomat: "knee-how" (hello), "share-share" (thank you) and "dzeye-jenn" (good-bye) (these are all spelled phonetically, which really ought to be obvious to you due to the fact that the Chinese language doesn’t use any characters or symbols that even remotely resemble any letters in the English alphabet)).
The other night around midnight, I found myself in the elevator with the diplomat who resides in the corner apartment. I didn’t know what to talk about, so I asked him how long he had lived in the building. (I was tempted to ask, “Are you a spy?” However, that doesn’t seem like it would endear me to the man. Maybe if I started drinking, I’d loosen up a little bit.) He told me for two years. I asked him if he knew the Chinese diplomat who had lived in his apartment before he and his wife moved in (I assume the woman who frequently emerges from the corner apartment is the Chinese diplomat’s wife and not some random woman with whom he is living in sin). When I posed this particular question, befuddlement overcame the diplomat’s face.
Chinese Diplomat: “I’ve lived here two years,” the diplomat said, his words saturated with a “Where do you get off asking me about someone who lived here before I did when you haven’t even been here as long as I have been” tone!
Thinking Fool: “I know you’ve lived here about that long. I’ve lived here for almost three years and remember when you moved in. (I pay particular attention to the diplomats, douche bag, because, well, let’s just say that I’ve been to the Spy Museum more than once)!” (Comments in parenthesis were “thought,” not “said.” Surely you know this, right?)
Chinese Diplomat: “I am the first person to live in this apartment.”
Thinking Fool: “Actually, there was a Chinese diplomat and his wife living in the apartment before you moved in.”
Chinese Diplomat: “I am the first person to live in this apartment.”
Our conversation ended there for a few reasons. One, I sensed a smidgeon of anger from my Chinese Diplomat neighbor over the fact that I had made what he must have thought was an absurd accusation that someone occupied his apartment before he did. (I don’t know why he would find this so troubling, but in the words of the Lindsay Lohan types of the world, “Whatever!”) Two, I was standing in front of my apartment with about ten bags of groceries and just wanted to get inside and cook something; it was midnight after all! Three, unfortunately, I can't remember the third reason. (I'm going to attribute this lapse in memory to mental fatigue from studying for the bar - what a joy that is! In any event, just make something up for three, or don't; it really doesn't matter to me.)
I kind of wish I had continued the conversation because I imagine it might have gone something like this:
Thinking Fool: “Look, you are not the first person to live in that apartment. There was a different Chinese diplomat who occupied (vigorously pointing) that apartment with his wife. I might be an ignorant American, but I assure you I'm not the type of ignorant American who cannot differentiate between two Chinese men.”
Chinese Diplomat: “I am the first person to live in this apartment.”
Thinking Fool: “FYI, the Jedi tricks aren't going to work on me, bud. I can see we’re not getting anywhere. Look, if it makes you feel good about yourself to think you’re the first person who has ever lived in your apartment or to think all of the maintenance man’s visits to your apartment in the middle of the day are really to take care of maintenance needs, knock yourself out. I don’t want to strain relations between our countries (as if they aren’t already), but truth be told, you are NOT the first person to live in that apartment.”
Chinese Diplomat: “How do you know? I’ve lived here for two years.”
Thinking Fool: “AND I'VE LIVED HERE FOR THREE! For crying out loud, we’ve been over all of this.”
Chinese Diplomat: “Why are you causing trouble? My wife and I are the only people who have lived in this apartment.”
Thinking Fool: “Hmm, let me try a different approach. Okay, how about this. The White Zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only; there is no stopping in the Red Zone.”
Chinese Diplomat: “Excuse me.”
Thinking Fool: “The Red Zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the White Zone.”
Chinese Diplomat: “I do not follow.”
Thinking Fool: “You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. You want me to have an abortion.”
Chinese Diplomat: “WHY MUST YOU BRING UP ABORTION? AMERICA DOES NOT UNDERSTAND CHINA'S POLICY!”
Thinking Fool: “Lighten up, I’m just quoting Airplane!"
Chinese Diplomat: “AIRPLANE?!?! THAT AMERICAN PLANE CRASHED IN CHINESE TERRITORY AND WAS A SPY PLANE. WE SHOULD HAVE SHOT IT DOWN!"
Thinking Fool: "Woah, woah, woah. Let's not get testy, my friend!"
Chinese Diplomat: "I AM NO FRIEND OF YOURS!"
Thinking Fool: "Wow, I didn't mean to make you angry. It's late, we really should call it a night. But first, do you happen to know the name of the Chinese diplomat who lived in your apartment before you did?”
Chinese Diplomat: “I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN!”
Thinking Fool: “In that case, can I ask one more question?”
Chinese Diplomat: “NO!” (Walking away).
Thinking Fool: “Are you a spy?”
If John Bolton doesn't get confirmed, maybe they'll nominate me.
Comments
I'm just posting so that you know that someone has been looking at your blog recently. Also, you're probably too PC and non-confrontational to get the UN nomination... dzeye-jenn
Posted by: NYU Jew at June 5, 2005 07:17 PM
Your reassurance is overwhelming. Hope the write-on went smoothly. Look forward to working for you at some point...
Posted by: Fool at June 5, 2005 09:53 PM
