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June 06, 2005
Saddam and Nixon - When Your "Friends" Speak!
According to Newsweek, Saddam’s former aides are singing like canaries! Senator Norm Coleman (recently the recipient of an ass-whipping (click for video link) from British Member of Parliament George Galloway that was so severe that even Rex from Desperate Housewives might find it disturbing – if you don’t watch Desperate Housewives, you won’t understand the reference; why exactly don’t you watch Desperate Housewives? It’s a phenomenal show! Anyway, Senator Coleman) said, “In interview after interview, the [former Iraqi] officials were generally forthcoming and quite proud – even boastful – of their creativity in undermining U.N. sanctions.” Tariq Aziz even told David Kay (former leader of the team that hunted for weapons of mass destruction) that if he were released from prison, Aziz would tour the United States giving speeches to journalists and the American public about the horrific deeds that Saddam’s former regime carried out. (I don’t know how the U.S. government refrained from releasing Aziz immediately with that sort of offer on the table. Hell, Michael Jackson ought to go to prosecutors and say, “If you drop all charges against me before the jury finishes its deliberations, I promise to go to daycares throughout the country talking about stuff that you already know.") When asked why the United States could be sure he would keep such a bargain, Aziz said, “Mr. David, because you now own me.” Wow! For some reason, “because you now own me” strikes me as one of the coolest things I’ve heard (or “read” to be technical) in a very long time. Can you imagine the new Miss Universe looking at someone and saying, "You now own me?” (Kind of paints a nice image in the mind - more later in the week about how the Miss Universe pageant is further proof of Europe’s deterioration...) With his former friends offering ownership of themselves to U.S. officials, it should come as no surprise that Saddam’s spirits are pretty somber these days. If my “friends” were helping lead me to a death sentence, I probably wouldn’t be in the most chipper of moods either. Is anyone – even people who are staunchly anti-death penalty – opposed to the idea of Saddam Hussein being executed? Clearly the man doesn’t want to die. He proved this by acting like the wuss of the century when he refused to fight U.S. forces when they found him cowering away in a spider hole. If nothing else, at least his lunatic sons showed some guts by actually engaging in a firefight at the end of their lives.
If I were Saddam and could slip into a time machine, in addition to seeing a shrink early on in my life, I would have found a way to put Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, and Ben Bradlee in key positions in my regime. As opposed to singing like canaries, those three men know how to keep their mouths shut! Last week’s revelation of Deep Throat’s identity – in case you slipped into a coma, it was Mark W. Felt – was a highly anticipated story and surprised most people! (It’s been really amusing watching former Nixon aides trash the living hell out of Felt. I don’t condone the trashing; I just find it interesting to watch, sort of like a train wreck unfolding before your eyes, but a wreck in which no one gets injured.) In a completely unsurprising part of the story, “Deep Throat’s” daughter (let’s call her “Deep Throat In-Training” for now on, okay?) stated that one of the reasons her family decided that the time was right for unveiling the identity of her father as “Deep Throat” was to make money! Umm...how about the ONLY reason you decided to come out with this information was to make money! I don’t begrudge the Felt family the opportunity to make money, but let’s not pretend that this information was released because as “Deep Throat In-Training” would like us to believe, “[I]t’s so important for a person getting into elder years, when death is somewhere around the corner, to be unburdened.” Hardy Har Har! It very well might be important for a person near death to unburden himself, but it’s a hell of a lot more important for that unburdening to take place if it will make your family a ton of cash, isn’t it? Deep Throat In-Training is using her father more than Hailey Nichol ever used her dad on The O.C. (there’s another show that is worth watching). Think about it. Over the last few decades, despite numerous attempts by Bob Woodward, Mark W. Felt consistently refused to be publicly identified as “Deep Throat” and actually denied the “accusation” on more than one occasion. Now suddenly Deep Throat In-Training would have us believe that her 91-year-old father, whose competence has been questioned by Woodward, Bernstein, and Bradlee due to the fact that Deep Throat has had a stroke and suffers from dementia, decided that he wanted to unburden himself! Give me a break! Deep Throat In-Training claims her father is lucid and feels reassured that he made the right decision to go public, but don't you think if the guy were really lucid, we'd see or hear him give one interview to a television or radio station? Unfortunately, the guy simply isn't competent enough to give interviews at this time. As Don Imus put it, these days Felt probably spends most of his time “looking at the dryer thinking [he’s watching] the Honeymooners as the clothes spin around!” If you really want to know why Deep Throat In-Training "convinced" her father to go public with his secret, do what Hal Holbrook (Deep Throat) told Robert Redford (Bob Woodward) to do in All the President's Men. Just follow the money.
And (unfortunately) that’s the way it is...
