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July 13, 2005
Ambien MAY Make Me Sleepy; Allah, Please Set Some of these People Straight; and The Perfect Nickname
I took the LSAT on about four hours sleep, but have decided that trying to do well on the bar exam under similar circumstances is about as smart as being the sister of any non-perfect brother in certain Islamic societies (more on that below). Thus, my doctor prescribed me Ambien to help me sleep better. I thought it was sort of amusing that my prescription for Ambien, sleeping pills, contained the following warning, “MEDICATION MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS OR DIZZINESS.” Ummmmmmmmmm.... If the medication DOES NOT cause drowsiness, I want my money back.
During his trial for the murder of Dutch film-maker Theo Van Gogh (yes, Theo was related to Vincent), Mohammed Bouyeri told the court, “I take complete responsibility for my actions....I can assure you that one day, should I be set free, I will do exactly the same, exactly the same.” “What exactly did he do?” you wonder. Oh, just a typical murder...IF, IN YOUR WORLD, “TYPICAL” means, "Firing seven shots AND stabbing AND slicing your victim’s throat AND then using a knife to pin a note to his chest warning a screenwriter that the screenwriter would be the next person targeted!” I happened to be traveling to Europe when this story broke and remember reading about the grisly murder and thinking, “What the hell happened to piss this guy off so badly?” Well, the victim made a film that depicted women being sexually abused in Islamic society, that’s what! WHAT AN OUTRAGE! WHAT AN INSULT! THAT'S BLASPHEMY! After all, Muslim societies never treat women poorly and there certainly isn’t sexual abuse that ever transpires, especially among radical Islamists. I mean, I know that Mukhtar Mai was gang raped in 2002 on the ORDERS of a Pakastani village council because the council alleged that her 12-year-old brother had shamed the village in some manner. I also know that there’s a more recent case in which five men are alleged to have kidnapped and raped a woman because of an affair that one of her relatives had with a sister of one of the suspects. But, that’s not sexual abuse, that’s just justice, right? You NEVER beat up the GUY who had sex with your sister – that would be lunacy! You gang rape his sister instead. Only then can a community set forth proper standards of behavior. Needless to say, if Bouyeri doesn’t get a life sentence after admitting to the crime and informing the court that he would absolutely commit the crime again if he were ever to be set free, then the Dutch legal system is a complete joke.
Finally, since I’m on the subject of idiots, I can’t help but make one passing comment about my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law. This individual somehow managed to obtain a D.O. For those of you who don’t know what a D.O. is, it’s a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, which my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law explained was very similar to a traditional M.D., but different because Osteopaths allegedly treat the whole body rather than individual symptoms. Whenever my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law tried to explain the differences, all I could keep thinking was that it sounded like a bunch of witchcraft to me. Much to my pleasant surprise, I recently stumbled across a word that describes my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law perfectly. Thus, from this date forward, my degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law will also be known as “The Shaman,” which dictionary.com defines as: "A member of certain tribal societies who acts as a medium between the visible world and an invisible spirit world and who practices magic or sorcery for purposes of healing, divination, and control over natural events.” If that doesn't describe this guy, nothing does! Trust me, if you’ve ever played the game Operation, you're probably more qualified to perform surgery than THE SHAMAN!
Comments
That last paragraph was HILARIOUS! I really wish the poor bastard could read it. Maybe I'll tell him to browse the website!!!
Posted by: Fool's Sis at July 13, 2005 04:24 PM
Is this fool's sis the one who will be marrying The Shaman?
As long as "I’m on the subject of idiots," it seems like you're always on the topic of idiots. If you go to dictionary.com's thesaurus, aka thesaurus.com, and lookup shaman, you get some very interesting words that you've never heard of. Synonyms include: thaumaturge, theurgist, necromancer, isangoma, obeah doctor, wangateur, and my personal favorite, mundunugu. You don't hear too many people calling their future brother-in-laws mundunugus these days.
The Dutch permit euthanasia, physician assistant suicides, substantial drug use, and prostitution. I don't have that much confidence in their legal system. In fact, I get the feeling that they understand the term legal system to mean that everything is legal.
Posted by: NYU Jew at July 14, 2005 12:16 AM
"Fool's Sis" is DIVORCING the Shaman. She already made the mistake of marrying him. But, even if we could rewind a few years when he was merely a boyfriend and fiancee instead of a husband, I still would have called the degenerate soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law a SHAMAN had I fully understood the word's meaning! It's such a perfect fit!
Posted by: Fool at July 14, 2005 12:30 AM
shaman --- shamah? so close.
Posted by: jamaal at July 14, 2005 11:10 AM
I went to a D.O. once, but as soon as she said eat orange peels instead of penicillin I was like "It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap," and I found myself a real doctor!
Posted by: Sam at July 14, 2005 06:25 PM
Sorry to hear about the future-ex-brother-in-law. At least he's on the way out.
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at July 15, 2005 06:41 PM
Shaman is too respectful for a word for D.O.'s. In primitive societies Shaman's treated patients using natural remedies that they gathered empirical evidence of efficacy for generations. I equate D.O.'s more with 16th century barbers who bled their patients in order to release the "bad humors."
Posted by: jcristof at July 16, 2005 07:22 AM
I don't know about y'all, but despite having an MD for a dad I find leeches a very soothing form of treatment.
Posted by: Fermanator at July 16, 2005 12:41 PM
For your information, the black market value of Ambien is astronomical, especially out here in Tillamook County where the only thing we have for kicks is yogurt!!!
Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at July 18, 2005 05:45 PM
Doesn't Tillamook have cheese? I went to a cheese factory there (I think it was called Tillamook). It smelt like someone cut the... cheese. I'm also guessing that it doesn't feel like a sauna out on the Oregon Coast as it does in NYC and DC...
Posted by: NYU Jew at July 18, 2005 09:56 PM
Yes in Tillamook we make the best cheese in America, but we don't eat Mook cheese for kicks, just Mook yogurt.
Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at July 18, 2005 10:07 PM
I just heard ambien described elsewhere as "sleeping medication that makes you trip and gives you a bunch of weird ideas that you act out", so maybe you should be careful...
Posted by: erosophe at July 24, 2005 10:09 PM
