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July 17, 2005
The Benefits of Living in My Apartment Complex, An Idiot in the City Paper, and Things to Come
There are two things that I really like about my apartment complex. First, my building has a gym which is accessible 24 hours a day. Granted, it's not the Taj Mahal of gyms, but it's got enough stuff to keep me occupied at the moment, so it works for me, and it is especially convenient since I like working out sometime between midnight and 4:00 a.m. Second, my building has someone at the front desk 24 hours a day. This is not only good for security reasons, it is FABULOUS when it comes to picking up packages. Whereas many people who live in apartment complexes can only pick up packages during regular office hours, the residents of my building can get them 24 hours a day. Thus, after working out, I checked my mail and glanced at the "You have a package waiting for you" board and became excited when I saw my apartment number with a big checkmark next to it! "What did I receive?" you wonder. Well, I'd love to tell you, really I would. Unfortunately, the lady at the front desk is sound asleep. At least the gym was open...
Each week in the classified ad section of the Washington City Paper, there is a page devoted to "I Saw You" Matches. This is the place where people who have had a chance encounter with someone go to try to track that person down. For example, one entry states,
My golden retriever cannot stop asking about you since you said Hello to us outside of Balducci's on Sunday, June 12. We'd both love to see you again. When: Sunday, June 12, 2005. Where: Balducci's Wesley Heights. You: Man. Me: Woman.
Naturally, the ad is slightly troubling because of its bestiality implications. (Spell check alerted me to the fact that I misspelled "bestiality" on my first attempt (it's not very phonetical), and I'm taking pride in the fact that I did not know how to spell that word.) Nevertheless, despite being a long shot, if a man in the D.C. area who met some woman with a dog at Balducci's on Sunday, June 12, 2005 has been thinking, "Damn, I wish I would have gotten the phone number of that lady with the dog at Balducci's," there's a good chance that he'll read that ad and think, "Hey, that's her!" (There's also a good chance that he'll think, "This lady is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction waiting to happen. I'm staying away.") Most of the ads are very similar to the one mentioned above. They provide enough detail to allow two people who truly have been thinking "What if?" to meet each other. A long shot? You betcha, but once in awhile long shots pay off. The following, on the other hand, isn't a long shot; it's a no-shot.
Orange Line to Metro Center...Blue suit, blue eyes, we had quite a conversation...drop a line...When: Tuesday, June 7, 2005. Where: Orange Line. You: Woman. Me: Man.
Do you have any idea how many men with blues eyes in blue suits ride the orange line each day in Washington, D.C.? Well, I don't know either, but I guarantee you that it's a lot. I really am considering paying money to respond to this ad, simply so I can leave the following message: "Sir, I clearly am not the person whom you wanted to respond to your ad because, well for one thing, I'm a guy, and for another thing, I haven't ridden the Orange Line in a very long time. Nevertheless, after reading your pitifully short, non-specific ad, in which there is zero chance that you will find this woman whom you've apparently been lusting after, I just wanted to take the time to let you know that you are an absolute idiot. I also think I hate you and that troubles me. In the words of the original Willy Wonka, 'GOOD DAY, SIR!'"
On the menu for the future: Little League Stories, Thoughts on the London bombings, The Friend Who Committed Vehicular Deercide, and other random musings that strike my fancy.
