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July 10, 2005
The Supreme Court and the President: Let the Confirmations Begin
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor recently announced her retirement from the Supreme Court. All signs point towards Chief Justice William Rehnquist announcing his retirement as well. Thus, President Bush might have the opportunity to simultaneously appoint two justices to the Supreme Court (a pretty awesome opportunity for any president). If I were advising Bush, the news conference in which he announces his nominations would probably go something like this...
President Bush: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, Chief Justice William REHN-quist has decided to retire from the Supreme Court. Umm....I spoke to the Chief JUST-ice this morning. Umm... We had a GOOD talk. Umm... I told him that I appreciate his SERVICE to our country. Ummm.... He’s a GOOD man. (Eyes twinkling and face smiling) He’s a Christian Man. Ummm...The Chief Justice has been a CRUSADER...umm....He’s been a CRUSADER on the Court since the day he got on it. Ummm...As President, I have the opportunity to appoint two people to the Supreme Court, and I have decided who I am going to select. So, today, I’m here to tell you that to fill Justice O’Connor’s position, I have decided to nominate Attorney General and my friend, Alberto Rod...ugh...Gonzales to the Supreme Court. (Looking over at Gonzales) I bet you can’t believe I messed up your last name! (Laughs for three seconds and then becomes stone faced) In addition, to fill the vacancy left by the Chief Justice, I have decided, and hold on to your shoelaces for this one, to nominate Osama Bin Laden as the next Chief Justice of the United States. I’ll now take your questions.
Reporter #1: Mr. President. Osama Bin Laden? Is this some sort of joke?
President Bush: No, Terry, it’s not. Ummm...you see, when you’re the PRESIDENT, you have to make DECISIONS. And I’ve made my decision.
Reporter #2: Mr. President, Osama Bin Laden is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. What makes you think that anyone in the Senate will possibly vote to confirm him?
President Bush: That’s a great question. Umm....I APPRECIATE the question. Umm...Well, I was kind of hoping that Dennis Kucinich would run for the Senate and win because I think he’s kooky enough to confirm Bin Laden. (Laughs for three seconds and then becomes stone faced!) Okay, in all honesty, my thinking is SIMPLE. Ummm....You see, ummm....we’ve had a hell of a time tracking down Bin Laden. Ummm....In fact, you people in the press have done a good job of reminding me and the American people of that. Thank you.
Sam Donaldson: (shouting) Mr. President! Mr. President! MR. PRESIDENT! MR. PRESIDENT! Sir, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but have you started drinking again?
President Bush: No, I haven’t.
Sam Donaldson: Then why Bin Laden, sir?
President Bush: Well, you see, it’s simple, Sam. Ummm....Back in Texas, ummm....I was TAUGHT that in order to be confirmed as the Chief Justice, ummm....a person has to testify in front of the Senate. So you see, what I’m going to do is let Bin Laden TESTify and then, ummm.... right when Senator KENNEDY is asking him a softball question, ummmm, well you see, that's when we’re going to ARREST Bin Laden. We're going to trap his sorry ass (laughs).
Sam Donaldson: Do YOU honestly think that will work, sir?
President Bush: Sam, I've talked to the Vice President and the Secretary of Defense about this. And they've told me that this is guaranteed to work. And Sam, if my team says it'll work, then I know it'll work.
Here's to hoping the President appoints Robert Bork to the Supreme Court. I was too young to have any interest in the Bork confirmation process in the 1980s, but would absolutely love to have the opportunity to watch him go toe to toe with the senate today! I really hope C-SPAN replays his confirmation hearings sometime in the next month and that my TIVO is smart enough to record the festivities if I forget to tell it to record. Speaking of TIVO, if you've got it, add the British House of Commons to your Season Pass list. It's on Sunday nights and is incredibly entertaining and educational. I'll have some thoughts on the tragedy in London soon.
Comments
"Remember, I taught Bill and Hillary Clinton when they were at Yale. Let me rephrase that. Bill and Hillary Clinton were in the room when I was teaching at Yale."
Posted by: Bork at July 10, 2005 01:51 AM
Bin Laden...hee hee. Isn't it Richard Posner's turn *yet*?
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at July 11, 2005 05:42 PM
"If I were advising Bush, the news conference in which he announces his nominations"... would not include the name of Alberto Gonzales. Why come this far to put a moderate on the Court? I'm looking for two very solid conservatives to ascend to the throne.
Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at July 13, 2005 06:48 PM
Nobody to the left of Bork should be nominated. Of course, Bin Laden is to the right of Bork in many ways. I'm pretty sure he would strike down abortion. On the down side, I think he probably would have voted with the majority in Texas v. Johnson (preventing prosecution of a man who burned an American flag and chanted: "America, the red, white, and blue, we spit on you.")
Posted by: NYU Jew at July 18, 2005 10:06 PM
