September 21, 2005
From the “This Isn't Really Happening, Is It?" File
My brother, mom, and I recently played golf at a beautiful Southern California course. Because we were a threesome, the club randomly paired us up with a single player who turned out to be an incredibly nice businessman from Japan. (Japan is a country in Asia. Trust me. That detail is important.) My brother, my mom, “Kaz” and I played incredibly fast together, devouring the first nine holes in record time. I shared a cart with Kaz and practiced my two Japanese jokes on him. (He laughed at both. The jokes appear below.) When we arrived at the twelfth hole (a par 3), we had to wait to hit our tee shots because a foursome of Asians was on the green. The golf ranger (the dude with the funny hat who drives around the course to make sure everything is kosher) happened to be passing by and noticed that we were waiting. I suspect that he was in his late 60s.
Golf Ranger: (In a tone that seemed to indicate that he was proud to be able to ask the question) Do you know how many minutes that group of ASIANS started ahead of you guys?
Thinking Fool’s Brother: No. How many?
Golf Ranger: SIXTY!
Thinking Fool’s Brother: Six, Zero?
Golf Ranger: Six, Zero!
Thinking Fool’s Brother: Wow, we’ve played really fast.
Golf Ranger: Well, not only have you guys played fast, these ASIAN people have played really slow. Let me tell you something. ASIANS EITHER PLAY REALLY FAST OR THEY PLAY REALLY SLOW! THERE’S NO IN BETWEEN WITH THESE PEOPLE.
Thinking Fool’s Brother: (Undoubtedly feeling uncomfortable that the Ranger was going off on Asians considering that a very nice Japanese man happened to be in our group and was listening to the entire conversation) “Oh.”
Golf Ranger: In fact, this place was really stupid. It ran a bunch of ads in some Korean newspaper. It was some 2 for 1 thing. So, we’ve ended up with all these damn Koreans out here lately. (I'm surprised he didn't say "Damn dog-eating Koreans!" After all, he seemed to be on such a roll.")
Thinking Fool, Thinking Fool’s Brother, Thinking Fool’s Mom & Kaz: (Pure silence)
Golf Ranger: Oh, well it looks like they’re finally off the green, so I’ll be on my way.
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) Thank God! Is he really that oblivious?
I literally remember wondering if I was on Candid Camera or if the golf ranger was somehow related to Saturday Night Live's "Mr. No-Depth Perception" character.
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And now, the promised Japanese jokes - guaranteed to make a native Japanese-speaker laugh.
Japanese Joke #1
Q: Nahn-jee?
A: (Say this before the other person can actually answer the question) Or-en-jee!
Japanese Joke #2
Q: Nahn-sigh?
A: (Say this before the other person can actually answer the question) Hawk-oo-sigh!
The literal English translation for those jokes is the following:
Japanese Joke #1
Q: What time is it?
A: Orange!
Japanese Joke #2
Q: How old are you?
A: Cabbage!
All I can tell you is that most Japanese people find these jokes funny. Perhaps the golf ranger could learn one or both. That way, he might have something to talk about with the "fast" Asians (assuming they speak Japanese) while they wait for the "slow" Asians to play golf.
Comments
The golf ranger doesn't know how to keep things kosher I guess...
Posted by: NYU Jew at September 21, 2005 12:03 PM
Hee hee... "cabbage."
Posted by: Neel Mehta at September 21, 2005 03:21 PM
At last, the jokes! I've been waiting a long time for this.
Also, readers note: they are also guaranteed to make almost any english-speaking person NOT laugh, so use with caution.
Posted by: jeh at September 25, 2005 11:22 AM
