September 28, 2005
Golf: The "I want to be like Ev" Edition - Part I
Background: My dad used to be friends (I’m using that word in its most liberal sense) with a man named Ev. Ev thought EVERYTHING in life was a competition. For example, when he saw me at the dog track one night (I was a teenager), Ev immediately approached me and asked, “Fool, how much did you hit your superfecta for when you hit it cold?” When I responded, “Just over $300,” Ev quickly exclaimed, “I beat ya. I hit one for $500.” When my brother made the junior varsity high school basketball team as a freshman, Ev said, “You mean to tell me that he’s only playing on the JV squad? I played on varsity my first year!” A few weeks after my mom had some skin cancer removed from her nose, Ev asked her, “Is your nose ever going to get better?” (A real charmer!) But my all-time favorite comment took place one night when completely out of the blue, Ev told me, a teenager, “Sue (his wife) has had the hardest time keeping her weight down since her hysterectomy.” I should have replied, "Well in that case, I'll start fantasizing about her."
According to my dad, Ev was a real treat on the golf course as well. (By "real treat," I mean total douche bag.) The few times they played together, my dad would return home with some fantastic stories about Ev. There was the time when my dad’s friend, a man more honest than Abe Lincoln, George Washington, and Walter Cronkite combined, accidentally miscalculated his score on one hole. Ev immediately exclaimed, “Boy, there’s nothing I hate more than playing with a CHEATER!” Then there was the time when Ev said, “Everyone is always complimenting Phil on how far he hits the ball even though I usually outdrive him by at least 20 yards.”
To say Ev's personality could get under a person's skin would be akin to saying, "The sun might be hot."
The Idea: The other day, my brother and I came up with a fabulous “what if” question. “What if we went to play golf one day and both of us acted like Ev the entire time?” (For you non-golfers out there, if you are playing as a twosome, unless the course is incredibly void of players, you usually will get paired up with two strangers.) We knew it would be difficult. After all, Ev is a jerk and he also has a very weird voice. In fact, whenever we try to mimic him, we sound like we are from some nonexistent country in Eastern Europe. Nevertheless, on Tuesday, we set out to give it a try.
(To be continued . . .)
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