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September 06, 2005
The Former Teacher Becomes a Book Hawker... and I'm NOT Pleased!
Don’t you love randomly hearing from someone whom you haven’t heard from in awhile? Even the Cigarette Peddler, the person who told me that he would be okay with a large knife going through my heart, recently admitted that he enjoys receiving random postcards from me. (By the way, if you would like to be added to the random postcard list, email me your name and address at ThinkingFool at gmail dot com and I will be certain to get one out to you at some point before the second Bush administration comes to an end. (FYI, if you’re certain that I have your address, but you’ve never received a postcard from me, I probably don't have your address (or I just might not like you at all).))
The other day, I received the following completely random email message from a woman who used to teach at my elementary school.
Dear, [Thinking Fool],
I am always interested in what friends from [my elementary school] are doing, and I want you to know my book,[Title], has been published. The book, based on my life and 39 years teaching, is now available from my web site, < http:// > and from the usual sources, Amazon, Barnes&Noble, the publisher, < www.publishamerica.com>, etc.
Regards to your family,
[Woman’s Name]
I was tempted to reply to this random email, but decided that in the interest of being a nice person, I would refrain from sending what I wanted to send. I wonder if I made the right decision.
"Dear Mrs. C.,
I was stunned to see your name appear in my inbox. After all, I haven’t been an elementary school student for more than thirteen years. If my memory serves me correctly, you taught English at my elementary school. I always liked when English teachers offered comments on papers; so I thought I would offer some comments on your email to me. I will write comments in ALL CAPS within the text of your message in order to clearly differentiate my words from yours. While most people would tell you that you should not interpret my use of ALL CAPS as screaming at you, I am not most people. Accordingly, please interpret my use of ALL CAPS as screaming at you. Feel free to give me your phone number if you'd like me to scream at you over the phone.
Dear, [Fool],
IT’S BEEN AWHILE SINCE I STUDIED GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION. BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ENGLISH TEACHER AND PRESUMABLY AN EXPERT IN GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION, YOU’LL HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE NEW PUNCTUATION RULE THAT INSTRUCTS THE AUTHOR OF A LETTER TO INSERT A COMMA BETWEEN “DEAR” AND A PERSON’S NAME IN THE LETTER’S GREETING. ASSUMING THERE IS NOT A NEW RULE, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT YOU’VE ALREADY MADE A PUNCTUATION ERROR (OR AT LEAST A TYPO) WITHIN THE FIRST TWO WORDS OF YOUR FIRST COMMUNICATION TO ME (EVER!!!!!!!), I FEEL COMFORTABLE DIAGNOSING YOUR EDITING SKILLS AS NOTHING SHORT OF BRILLIANT (THAT’S HOLDEN CAULFIELD-SARCASM COMING THROUGH) AND CONFESS THAT I AM NOW OFFICIALLY OVERJOYED THAT I NEVER HAD YOU AS A TEACHER!
I am always interested in what friends from [my elementary school] are doing,
WELL, THEN YOU CERTAINLY WILL NOT BE INTERESTED IN WHAT I AM DOING BECAUSE EVEN UNDER THE MOST LIBERAL CONSTRUCTION OF WHAT THE WORD “FRIEND” MEANS, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT WE’VE NEVER EVEN SPOKE TO EACH OTHER, THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY WE CAN BE CONSIDERED FRIENDS.
and I want you to know my book,[Title], has been published.
NOW THAT CERTAINLY WAS SUBTLE. I’VE NEVER RECEIVED A SPAM MESSAGE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE NAME I ACTUALLY RECOGNIZE! SINCE IT IS CLEAR THAT YOU ARE CONTACTING EVERY PERSON FROM THE ALUMNI DIRECTORY REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU EVER TAUGHT THAT PERSON, IN FUTURE DRAFTS OF YOUR EMAIL, MAY I SUGGEST CHANGING THIS SENTENCE TO: “I AM VERY INTERESTED IN GETTING PEOPLE TO BUY MY BOOK, AND I AM USING ANY POSSIBLE CONNECTION I HAVE WITH PEOPLE AS AN EXCUSE TO CONTACT THEM TO INFORM THEM THAT I’VE WRITTEN A BOOK. I DON’T REALLY GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOUR LIFE, BUT IF YOU PROMISE TO BUY MY BOOK, THEN FEEL FREE TO SEND ME A FEW WORDS ABOUT YOURSELF IF YOU MUST. AND BY “FEW,” I LITERALLY MEAN NO MORE THAN THREE.
The book, based on my life and 39 years teaching, is now available from my web site, < http:// > and from the usual sources, Amazon, Barnes&Noble, the publisher, < www.publishamerica.com>, etc.
CONGRATULATIONS ON HAVING THE BOOK AVAILABLE AT SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES! I CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT. PLEASE SEND ME MY COURTESY COPY AT (MY ADDRESS). (I ASSUME ALL OF YOUR "FRIENDS" RECEIVE FREE COPIES OF THE BOOK.) I WILL CERTAINLY SEND YOU A COURTESY COPY OF MY FIRST BOOK WHICH IS DUE IN STORES EVERYWHERE BY 2022. HEAVENS TO MERGATROID, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD BY THEN, FRIEND.
Regards to your family,
[Woman’s Name]
REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY TOO! I’VE NEVER MET ANY OF THEM, NOR HAVE I EVER MET YOU! NEVERTHELESS, I’VE ALWAYS CONSIDERED YOU TO BE ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE CLOSEST FRIENDS. I FEEL LIKE I AM TO YOU WHAT GLENN CLOSE WAS TO MICHAEL DOUGLAS IN FATAL ATTRACTION AND TO THINK, WE HAVEN’T EVEN MET! IMAGINE HOW CLOSE WE’D BE IF WE ACTUALLY GOT TOGETHER IN PERSON. :-) :-) :-) :-)
ETERNALLY YOURS FOREVER, MY LOVE,
THINKING FOOL (XOXOXOXOXOXO)
P.S. I WON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT US UNLESS YOU STOP WRITING ME SUCH HEARTFELT, TOUCHING EMAILS!
P.P.S. IF YOU STOP WRITING ME, I'D KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR RABBIT IF YOU HAVE ONE.
P.P.P.S. I LOVE YOU!
P.P.P.P.S. WAIT, DO YOU LOVE ME?
P.P.P.P.P.S. WHY HAVEN'T YOU EMAILED ME BACK YET? I'VE BEEN WRITING THIS MESSAGE FOR HOURS AND HAVEN'T RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM YOU.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. IF YOU DON'T WRITE ME BACK, I SWEAR I'M COMING OVER THERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS."
Do you want to know the sad part about all of this (aside from the fact that I got this worked up over an email)? I'm probably going to buy this woman's book, and I bet it's pretty good. (I've heard she was an amazing teacher. She happened to leave my school for a better one a few years before I would have had her.) Indeed, it's people like me who encourage spammers to keep sending spam. Clearly I should not be allowed to procreate.
Comments
this sounds like the most boring book ever written.
Posted by: gator girl at September 14, 2005 10:04 AM
