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September 13, 2005
Because Hollywood Won't Make any Good Movies, We Might have to start traveling to Blockbuster! Two Reviews Followed by "THE LIST!"
While I was studying for the bar exam, I remember being upset that I couldn't spend more time seeing movies. After viewing just about every film Hollywood has thrown our way over the last month and a half, I'm starting to think that my lack of movie-watching availability pre-bar exam was a blessing rather than a curse! The Constant Gardener is the latest dud to grace the silver screen.
Haunted by remorse and jarred by rumors of his late wife's infidelities, Quayle (not Dan) surprises everyone by embarking on a personal odyssey that will take him across three continents. Using his privileged access to diplomatic secrets, he will risk his own life, stopping at nothing to uncover and expose the truth - a conspiracy more far-reaching and deadly than Quayle (still not Dan) could ever have imagined.
The description makes the film sound like a thrilling mystery, doesn't it? Well, trust me, the only thing thrilling about this "mystery" is when the screen fades to black and the credits start to roll. Don't misunderstand; the movie isn't horrible. Unfortunately, it's just not very good. Ralph Fiennes does an excellent job as usual (though how he and Edward Norton were chosen to play the roles of the "Tooth Fairy" and Special Agent Will Graham in Red Dragon is still something I cannot comprehend). The weird looking lady who plays Fiennes' wife, Rachel Weisz, also turns in a nice performance. In the end, however, I just didn't care. I didn't care that she ended up in a body bag. I didn't care that her friend ended up in a body bag. Hell, I didn't care about anyone who ended up in a bodybag. Apparently the book is quite good. Thus, if you have nothing better to do and plan to see this film, you might pony up a couple extra dollars and buy the paperback instead of the paper movie ticket. Thinking Fool's Final Grade: C.
Last weekend's big box office winner was The Exorcism of Emily Rose. In the words of Mr. Burns, I know what I hate, and I didn't hate this. Of course, it's the summer of 2005 which means the bar has been set so low that we've resorted to being happy when we leave a theater not hating a movie as opposed to withholding happiness for times when we leave a theater actually liking the film! Tom Wilkinson is no Max von Sydow (the main priest in The Exorcist), but then again nobody is! There was some courtroom stuff, and it appears that everyone tried real hard, so if you must, you must. Thinking Fool's Final Grade: C-.
The movies this summer have been absolutely horrendous. There's no reason to think things are going to improve anytime soon. That's why I've compiled a list of films which you should see before you die (try not to cram them all into the last week - word on the street is that Uday and Qusay tried to do that and they never got around to watching Titanic. That's right, Titanic!). In no particular order...
Fletch (Chevy Chase's best film)
Fletch Lives (Chevy Chase's second greatest film)
The Naked Gun (Funniest movie ever made)
Silence of the Lambs (A perfect storm)
Pleasantville (Amazing!)
Beverly Hills Cop (It was my favorite movie when I saw it in the theater when I was 6 and it remains my favorite movie to this day! (At least my parents weren't taking me to porns!))
Beverly Hills Cop 2 (Actually a tremendous sequel. Part III spoiled the franchise.)
Halloween and Halloween 2 (These are worth seeing simply because of Donald Pleasance's performances....so are parts 4 and 5 for that matter!)
A Man for All Seasons (Hard not to admire Thomas More after seeing this film)
Scent of a Woman (Hooah!)
And Justice for All (One of Pacino's finest performances. Rent it just to see Pacino's final courtroom scene if nothing else.)
The Game (A thrill ride)
Porky's (An absolute must if you liked American Pie)
Citizen X (Even the Soviet Union had serial killers...imagine that in the Evil Empire!)
Narrow Margin (Hackman is superb and it's on a train. What more can you want?)
The Shawshank Redemption (If you haven't seen this, you must not have TNT. You also must be an absolute jerk. Who hasn't seen The Shawshank Redemption? Even Terry Schiavo probably found a way to watch this film.)
Midnight Run (DeNiro and Grodin are amazing)
Meet the Parents (A must)
Rounders (You too can be inspired to lose money after watching this!)
Good Will Hunting (Too bad Affleck was in it)
Titanic (I don't care if everyone denies liking this movie. I loved it and paid to see it TWICE!)
The American President (One of the best romantic comedies out there)
Pretty Woman (Hooking doesn't sound so bad, does it?)
Meet Joe Black (Only saw it once, but loved it)
Copycat (Scary)
Se7en (Scary and nasty)
Casino (Beats Goodfellas every day of the week and twice on Tuesdays)
The Elephant Man (Not too cheery, but very worth seeing)
Die Hard
The Sixth Sense
Patriot Games (I mastered my Irish accent by watching this film. And by "master," I mean "try real hard, but don't sound anything like an Irish man.")
And the Band Played On (HBO's finest effort. If you only see one movie on this list, make it this one)
These ought to keep you busy. If not, we'll just have to think of something else.
Comments
No best movie list is complete without "Rushmore."
Bill murray's finest movie.
Posted by: Jason C at September 13, 2005 09:07 AM
bill murray has two best films: ghostbusters and lost in translation. broken flowers is like light anesthesia.
constant gardener IS the best film of the summer. it's the marketing that is screwed up. it's a love story, not a thriller. ralph WILL be nominated this year!
Posted by: gator girl at September 13, 2005 09:59 AM
I couldn't even watch all of Rushmore - yes, I know I'm in the minority. Bill Murray's greatest film is Caddyshack, you goons. That's not even debatable. Well, it is, but it'd be like saying, "It's debatable whether the sun will rise in the morning."
Posted by: Fool at September 13, 2005 09:06 PM
For those of you who haven't seen every Bill Murray movie, I recommend the first half of Quick Change and The Man Who Knew Too Little. They may not be his best, but they're right up there.
Posted by: NYU Jew at September 14, 2005 06:32 PM
Haven't seen The Man Who Knew Too Little, but totally agree with you about Quick Change. The first half is fantastic. Caddyshack is far superior, however.
Posted by: Fool at September 14, 2005 10:28 PM
wasn't he wearing a mask during quick change? hardly the stuff of great acting.
Posted by: gator girl at September 15, 2005 09:04 AM
I don't think Bill Murray delivered "great acting" necessarily in Quick Change, but your comment makes me question whether delivering great acting is mutually exclusive with wearing a mask! I say no and cite the Elephant Man as an example. The guy who played the Elephant Man wore a mask and still delivered a phenomenal performance.
Posted by: Fool at September 16, 2005 02:50 AM
While I believe Caddyshack is perhaps the greatest movie ever made, I still have to say, based on acting merits, Bill Murray's performance was superior in Rushmore.
Posted by: Jason at September 16, 2005 08:27 AM
It is obvious from this list that you are painfully ignorant of films made before you were born. Like great music, art and literature, something did come before the 80's! You should go as quickly as possible to your film provider and start watching the AFI list of top 100 films -I don't agree with all of them but its a place to start. That your list is missing films of directors Billy Wilder, Alfred Hitchcock, and John Ford not to mention Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart speaks volumes. Titles off the top of my head: Some Like It Hot, All About Eve, North by Northwest, The Best Years of Our Lives, Witness For the Prosecution, The Stunt Man, The Lion In Winter, The Searchers, His Girl Friday, Arsenic and Old Lace, The Philadelphia Story, Laura, The African Queen. That should be a decent start...
Posted by: Lois at September 16, 2005 11:40 AM
But Lois, will you see mine if I see yours?!?!
Posted by: Fool at September 16, 2005 12:53 PM
if a movie is good, it's good for all time. for every great modern film like rushmore, there is an old film like "houseboat" -- not exactly cary grant's finest work. plus, how many cowboy films does one need see in a lifetime? (re john ford) once you've seen one, you've seen them all.
Posted by: gator girl at September 16, 2005 10:16 PM
I am confused, you like titanic. why would i care what other movies you list. titanic, gosh
Posted by: jamal at September 27, 2005 06:23 PM
