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October 06, 2005
A Missed Opportunity - How I Could Have Tormented a Jerk for an Entire Plane Ride
Last night, my dad and I received complimentary upgrades to fly first class from Phoenix to Orange County. There was one minor problem – our assigned seats were in different rows. I had 1A. My dad had 3C. When we boarded the plane, I asked the man who was seated in 1B if he would mind sitting in 3C in order to allow my dad and me to sit next to each other. He responded by saying, “Well, I’m actually settled in my seat now, so I’m going to stay here.” Fortunately, the man who was supposed to be in 3D readily agreed to sit in 1A, which afforded my dad and me the opportunity to sit next to each other (and play gin). I kind of wish the second guy hadn’t agreed to swap seats with me. In retrospect, I would have had a wonderful time sitting next to “the jerk.” The reading and sleeping that he did on the flight wouldn't have been so easy had I saddled up next to him.
Thinking Fool: Are you planning to sleep at all on this flight?
The Jerk: I’m going to read and doze when appropriate.
Thinking Fool: Oh okay. Well, since I’m on the window, I just want to warn you that I’ll probably have to pee a lot. I drank a lot of water at dinner. I also had Mexican food earlier today, so it’s possible that I’ll have to sit on the pot for a bit. I’m hoping I can keep the solid stuff in until we land though. (And yes, I would have attempted to pass gas as much as possible.)
At this point, I would have waited until the jerk became heavily involved in his book.
Thinking Fool: What are you reading?
The Jerk: [Title of Book.]
Thirty Seconds Elapse...
Thinking Fool: Is it any good?
The Jerk: Yes.
Twenty Seconds Elapse...
Thinking Fool: I read a book recently. I really liked it. Do you ever read Stephen King?
The Jerk: I don’t mean to be rude, but I really would like to read.
Thinking Fool: Oh, no problem. I understand. Sorry. I won't bother you again.
Two minutes elapse.
Thinking Fool: I wonder what my dad’s doing right now. He doesn’t read as many books as I do, but he reads more papers. Do you think that’s good or bad?
The Jerk: (Sighing) Really, I’d like to concentrate on my book.
Waiting a few minutes....
Thinking Fool: My dad and I were hoping to play cards together. Would you like to play with me? We could play Gin. I have a deck right in my back pocket. Here, I'll show you (pulling deck out of pocket).
The Jerk: No. PLEASE!
Two minutes elapse.
Thinking Fool: So what’s your book about?
The Jerk: PLEASE! LEAVE ME ALONE!
I’d start doing one of the brainteasers in the newspaper and wait for about two minutes to elapse.
Thinking Fool: Hey, sorry to bug you again, but are you any good at these things? I can’t figure out what number to put in right here and I think my head is going to start hurting if I don't get it.
The Jerk: (SIGH!) Please. I do not want to talk!
Thinking Fool: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.
I’d wait for another two minutes to pass.
Thinking Fool: So are you flying for business or for pleasure?
The Jerk: I’m not going to say another word to you.
Thinking Fool: My brother used to say that to me a lot. Now, we're really close. Maybe you and I will be friends one day.
At this point, I’m pretty certain the man would close his eyes and try to fall asleep. (I think it would be obvious that I was not going to allow him to read in peace).
Thinking Fool: Excuse me, would you mind if I went the bathroom?
The Jerk: (Sighing and standing up)
Thinking Fool: Thank you so much. You've probably been able to smell my gas all night.
I’d loiter in the bathroom for a few minutes before coming back.
Thinking Fool: (After sitting down) I couldn’t go. Does that ever happen to you?
And this would go on for the duration of the flight...
Needless to say, the Jerk would have regretted rejecting the seat swap. If only the second guy hadn’t been so nice!
Comments
I really liked that especially since I am at the detroit airport after having just taken the red eye from San Francisco and waiting to head to DCA.
I sat next to a father and son, the father in the middle of the night switched seats with the son and had him sit in the middle.
The son went ahead and sprawled out to nap. He decided it was ok to kick me for the next three hours.
So, now, I am sitting in DTW, bruised, tired and really glad I had bad gas the entire flight.
Posted by: gary at October 6, 2005 06:45 AM
If two wrongs don't make a right, then is Fool a Jerk also?
Posted by: NYU Jew at October 6, 2005 03:26 PM
NYU Jew,
Sometimes a person's bad behavior can open the door to bad things JUSTLY being done to him. If this wasn't the case, the death penalty could never be imposed, not even against a Ted Bundy type. :)
~Fool
Posted by: Fool at October 6, 2005 04:05 PM
It would have been great if each time you got up or returned from the toilet you gave him the ass AND farted.
gary, I would have done something about the kicking kid, tell a stewardess or something - although from my experience stewardesses seem to be useless bitches (male and female) who are angry and drunk on their power.
NYU Jew must not travel much.
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at October 7, 2005 04:27 PM
NYU Jew has not Finished.Law.School and therefore doesn't have the time or money to travel much.
Posted by: NYU Jew at November 20, 2005 01:04 PM
