Thinking Fool

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November 07, 2005

Judge Alito, Are You Going to Overturn Roe v. Wade, which was actually modified in 1992 by Planned Parenthood v. Casey? And While I've got you for a few minutes, What Do You Think about the O.J. Simpson Criminal Trial Judge?

If all goes according to plan, Samuel Alito will be an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court within the next few months. You can bet your bottom dollar that senators from both political parties are spending enormous amounts of time getting their panties in a bunch trying to figure out whether Judge Alito will try to overturn Roe v. Wade if he becomes Justice Alito. Maybe it’s just because I’m a male, but I don’t think there are nearly as many Americans that care about the abortion issue as the higher powers would like us to believe. Seriously, Zogby ought to do a poll surveying whether the average American gives a flying flip about whether Roe v. Wade gets overturned. Much like that time when I accepted my brother’s dare to drink a glass of Hot Pace Picante Sauce in exchange for five dollars, I could definitely be wrong about this (I ended up drinking the stuff, but never got paid - yes, I'm still bitter). Nevertheless, my hunch is that abortion is not at the top of most people’s lists of things they care about unless of course those people are Catholic, fundamentalist Christians, abortion providers, abortion users, sexually active adults, sexually active teenagers, Labrador retrievers, or members of PETA. Okay, so maybe more people care about this than I think. Regardless, I'd still like some data to gauge the population's interest in this particular issue. With that stated, knowing that abortion is such a controversial topic when it comes to Supreme Court nominees, if you’ve just been nominated to serve on the nation’s highest Court, you probably would prefer it if your mom would refrain from saying things like, “Of course he’s against abortion!” on the same day that your nomination is announced. (If nothing else, you’ve got to respect the elderly (and children too) for calling it as they see it (and as it often is). Less sugarcoating might do society quite a bit of good these days.)

As for Judge Alito, would you be surprised to learn that the leading bumper sticker factory in the United States has started cranking out thousands and thousands of “SAY NO TO ALITO, WE WANT JUDGE ITO" bumper stickers? Well, such information should surprise you because it’s simply not true. (Where are bumper stickers made these days anyway? Is that something we do in America or have we shipped that particular task off to a foreign land?) A prominent first-year professor at a university in the Midwest recently suggested the bumper sticker idea, and I’ve got to admit that I kind of like it. Think about it. If for some reason, Judge Alito doesn’t get confirmed and the president all of a sudden decides that he’d like to be the first man to put an Asian on the Supreme Court, Bush very well might tap Judge Lance Ito for the position. By “very well might tap Judge Lance Ito for the position,” I mean there’s no chance in hell that Bush would nominate Ito unless the President has fallen off the wagon and started drinking like a homeless person (or Ben Affleck – take your pick) again. (Yes, I realize not all homeless people are drunks or drug abusers, but let’s keep it real. I encounter a lot of homeless people during the week and most of them are crazier than a Taco on a burger joint menu or drunker than Harry Caray during the eighth inning of a Cubs game. (RIP, Harry.) A few years ago, a homeless man was asking every person who walked by him for money so he could get something to eat. I breezed by him, rounded a corner, and noticed a hot dog vendor. I was feeling rather charitable that day, so I decided to purchase the man a hot dog, chips, and a drink. The vendor placed the food and beverage in a brown (i.e. “NON-SEE-THROUGH”) bag. When I walked over to the homeless man and gave him the bag, Mr. Hungry said, “What is this?” I replied, “Food.” He said, “I can’t have that. I’m diabetic.” He made this comment without so much as looking inside the bag to see what I had brought him. Naturally, my heart ached each subsequent time I saw the man begging for food.) Anyway, if Bush is drinking (which might be a possibility) and nominated Ito, can you imagine what that confirmation hearing would look like?

Senator Specter: The chair recognizes Senator Kennedy. Senator Kennedy, you have the floor for thirty minutes.

Senator Kennedy: Thank you, Senator Specter (pronounced “Spectuh”). Judge Ito, I don’t want to waste any time. I want to talk about the O.J. Simpson criminal case that you presided over (pronounced “ova”) in the 1990s. Sir, don’t you think that you had a large part (pronounced “pauht”) in allowing a guilty man to go free after he was directly responsible for the death of a woman?

Judge Ito: Senator Kennedy, are you really going to lecture me about men who get to walk free after women they’re with die?

Senator Kennedy: This candidate is fine with me, Mr. Chairman.

Tomorrow, the Roger Ebert of online music reviewers. Wednesday, I have no idea. Thursday, well, what makes you think I've got Thursday figured out if I don't know what's coming on Wednesday? Sometimes you people amaze me.

Posted by fool on November 7, 2005 12:09 AM

Comments

Posted by: NYU Jew at November 7, 2005 12:13 PM

Posted by: Fool at November 7, 2005 10:31 PM

Posted by: Matt Getz at November 8, 2005 05:01 AM

Posted by: Fool at November 9, 2005 12:10 AM