Thinking Fool

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November 15, 2005

Roswell, the Bermuda Triangle and Laguna Beach's Jason: Some Things Just Can't Be Explained

Have you seen the television show, Laguna Beach? Of course you have. (Even if you don’t want to admit watching a show that tracks the lives of a particular group of high school students who live in Laguna Beach, California, just between you and me, I know you watch the program, and trust me, it's okay.) Last night (as you know), season 2 came to an end. Although I didn’t watch every season 2 episode – much like you, I tune in when it’s convenient or when TIVO keeps the program around long enough for me to catch up on weekends – I watched enough episodes to be completely baffled by one thing: Jason.

MTV describes Jason as “Laguna’s hunky bad-boy who surfs, plays baseball, and breaks girl’s hearts.” The “surfs, plays baseball, and breaks girl’s hearts” part is correct (except for the punctuation – “girl’s hearts” should be “girls’ hearts,” but now I’m just getting a bit technical and am certain one of you fine people will call me out on some punctuation error in this entry. Nevertheless, you’d expect more from MTV, yes? Okay, maybe not.).

I’ve never been the type of guy to make the ridiculous assertion that heterosexual men are unable to determine whether another guy is physically attractive. This frequently uttered comment has always baffled me. Frankly, unless you’re blind or just a bit off in the head, it doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, straight, gay, a switch hitter, etc., when you see Brad Pitt and Luis Guzman standing side by side, objectively speaking, you just know that Brad Pitt is the more physically attractive man... by about fifty touchdowns. If you’re a heterosexual man, don’t worry – being able to tell that Brad Pitt is better looking than Luis Guzman doesn’t mean you have the urge to invite Brad over for a Lewinsky session; it just means that unlike Stevie Wonder and most of the 2005 Major League Baseball playoff umpires, you can see.

With that stated, let me tell you where Jason ranks on the hunk meter: about one notch above Sloth from Goonies; that's where! Don’t know who Sloth is? Well, click here to have a look. See what I mean? Not exactly the type of guy who would cause a father to have daughter-panties separation anxiety.

Somehow Jason, a guy who literally brings nothing to the table, managed to break heart after heart after heart on Laguna Beach this season. And the hearts he broke – well, they didn’t exactly belong to girls who had a few teeth missing or who were lacking in the looks department – he definitely attracted his fair share of very nice looking girls. So basically you had a guy who not only failed to offer a whole lot in the looks department, especially when compared with many Laguna Beach residents, but who also was about as mentally stimulating as President George W. Bush would be teaching a class about great American authors (think about that one for a second!), and yet he somehow managed to attract many young women. In the words of GE Friend, "Ummmmmmm!"

With the exception of game shows, I’m generally not one to scream at the television, yet, at times, I definitely found myself quite agitated while watching Laguna Beach, often yelling, “For crying out loud, how in the hell does anyone like this guy?” (And trust me, this isn’t some catty instance that is the equivalent of a girl saying something like, “Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t pretty at all.” I’m speaking completely objectively. I’ve actually conducted an extensive survey of three people – two males (myself included of course) and one female, and none of us could figure out the whole Jason mystique.) In fact, there was so much awkward silence and dead air on dates that involved Jason that the program literally was uncomfortable to watch at times. Not as uncomfortable as sitting on a toilet only to learn that some Home Depot employee has smothered glue all over the seat, ensuring that you’ll be sitting there for awhile, nor as uncomfortable as Conrad Hilton must be at the weekly poker game when his buddies say, “Hey, your daughter really ought to make a sequel – Paris' first movie was superb,” but uncomfortable nonetheless. Nevertheless, somehow Jason managed to be a commodity continually sought after by the young Laguna Beach vixens.

Needless to say, in a few years, the “Jason is hot” bubble better burst. Otherwise, the atheists probably will have their best argument yet as to why God does not exist. In the interim, Jason has earned a place on my list of people who should not be allowed to procreate.

Posted by fool on November 15, 2005 12:00 AM

Comments

Posted by: NYU Jew at November 15, 2005 02:49 PM

Posted by: Fool at November 15, 2005 06:15 PM

Posted by: gator girl at November 16, 2005 05:53 PM