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November 30, 2005
"Sir, Is the Missile Launcher Really Necessary?"
I understand why terrorists take people hostage. After all, what’s scarier than imagining yourself being held hostage by a bunch of thugs who think God enjoys it when they chop people’s heads off? I understand why kidnappers keep their identities secret. (Hopefully no explanation is needed on this one, though there is no doubt in my mind that the Shaman would need an explanation – a lengthy one - if he knew of this blog’s existence.) I understand why kidnappers have a fetish for AK-47s. After all, more hostages might attempt to escape if they didn’t have AK-47s continually trained on their bodies. Even though I personally enjoy speaking in public, I even understand why one of the terrorists always seems to rely on a piece of paper (while still holding his gun of course!) to deliver his message from Allah. After all, stage fright is stage fright – it doesn’t matter if you’re preaching to Allah, speaking to your junior high classmates, or starring in a pornographic film about a dozen midgets who get lost on their way to Chicago – some people need a crutch. What I cannot for the life of me understand is why one of the kidnappers in the latest image from Iraq is holding a surface-to-air shoulder missile launcher. If only Ted Koppel were still on the air. I bet he'd get to the bottom of it.
Ted Koppel: I’m Ted Koppel and this is Nightline. Tonight, an exclusive interview with three men so devoted to their cause that they are willing to do anything for it, even if that means killing or being killed. Tonight, the hostage takers - what makes them tick.
Our friends at al-Jazeera have provided a satellite hookup to bring these three men into your living rooms. It may be uncomfortable to see and hear them speak. After all, what they do so blatantly sends chills down our spines. However, it seems to me that it is a good idea to engage those with whom we don't agree in dialogue. For obvious reasons, none of the men you are about to see will provide us with their actual names. Accordingly, we'll simply refer to them by their designated pseudonyms. I will note right away that one of the terrorists wanted to be referred to as Mark Twain. Although Twain probably would get a kick out of such a request, the request will not be granted. This is a serious news program after all.
We’ll start with Terrorist #1. I don’t mean to trivialize you sir, but from my vantage point, it appears as though the gun you’re wielding is aimed directly at one of your fellow kidnappers. Why are you pointing the weapon at him?
Terrorist #1: (Translated of course) Allah knows no surrender. Allah knows no end. With Allah, we will be successful.
Ted Koppel: With all due respect sir, you didn’t answer my question. Let me ask it a different way. What kind of idiot points an AK-47 at his friend?
Terrorist #1: The Great Satan will forever leave Persia. Allah commands it.
Ted Koppel: That may all be fine and true, but it has nothing to do with what I asked you. I can see you’re about as sharp as Michael Dukakis was when he appeared on this program during the 1988 presidential campaign. So, in the interests of information-seeking, let me ask your comrade a question. Sir, you have what appears to be a portable missile launcher resting on your shoulder. May I ask why in the hell you’d carry that into a closed space? What exactly is the point?
Terrorist #3: Many days when Allah comes to me in dreams, I think that he will tell me –
Ted Koppel: I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but that's a bunch of bullshit. With all due respect, sir, you aren’t answering my question either. Now, I don’t want to hear about what Allah told you in a dream or what Mohammad said to you while you were chopping heads of lettuce and cabbage and humans unless it directly relates to my question. Are we clear? (Pause) What kind of imbecile would bring a missile launcher into a confined space, especially when your comrades clearly have enough weapons to keep any of the hostages from even considering an escape? There has to be some sort of reason.
Terrorist #3: Allah is great. Nobody knows the power of Allah. When Allah-
Ted Koppel: Look, Allah may be more powerful than Clubber Lang in the first half of Rocky III. Regardless, it doesn't matter. We know you guys are into Allah. That's what we Westerners get! The question is why on earth would you carry a missile launcher into a closed space, a space which will become obliterated should you fire the missile?
Terrorist #2: Jihad! Jihad! (Camera quickly pans) Jihad! Jihad! Jihad!
Ted Koppel: Okay, clearly you three aren't going to expand the circle of knowledge that we already have. Before we part ways, may I submit an alternative theory to each of you, one that isn’t floated around much in the media today. It’s clear that you want to appear in control of the situation and that you are in fact in control of the situation. Does any of your hostility stem from the fact that all of you have incredibly tiny penises?
Terrorist #2: Allah is great. Allah will drive the snake out of the-
Ted Koppel: Well, we're going to have to end it right there. Clearly we’re not talking about the same type of snakes, though my hunch is each of you are more like garden snakes than anacondas. Regardless, I do thank each of you for coming on tonight's broadcast. I'll be back with a final thought in a moment.
Why CBS doesn't ink a deal with Koppel to have him contribute reports to 60 Minutes is beyond me.
Comments
Funny premise and pretty good anchorman patter at the start. Somewhat overplayed as it progressed, tho.
(And of course one might suspect that the rocket launcher was for a show of bravado for the viewing audience, rather than to threaten the hostages. Why would the Soviets parade long range rockets down a Moscow street? To directly control the crowds present, or to display their proudest weapons?)
I have a classic photo saved from the newspaper you might love, too. It was from the mid 80s and shows Vice President Dan Quayle standing with two Latin American officers in front of a rack of weapons. The caption speaks of Quayle holding a captured Soviet flame thrower while visting El Salvador to discuss human rights with Roberto D'Aubusan and the other officer. If one actually followed the news of the area at the time, one would know that D'Aubusan was notorious for his links to the Death Squads, an interesting choice for the topic (Of course, in fairness, it didn't report whether the subject was pro or con human rights). However the black comedy continues, since a closer look clearly shows that while the weapon would indeed project flames in the direct Quayle pointed it, there might be some undesirable side effects, since he was actually dramatically holding a rocket launcher - BACKWARDS! The two officers have smiles that seem to say "let the stupid Yankee pose for the cameras, so long as they give us money and weapons" (whatever their human rights credentials, the officers WERE in a shooting war and knew the difference between a flame thrower and a rocket launcher - and which way it points!).
Posted by: Zephyr at December 5, 2005 09:39 PM
You're right! I'd love to see that picture. Quayle was one of our nation's finest. You put him on the top of the ticket and Admiral James Stockdale (RIP) on the bottom, and there's an unbeatable team.
Posted by: Fool at December 5, 2005 10:33 PM
