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November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving – It Turns Out I'm Thankful for Quite a Bit
If you’re reading this blog for the first time, I am thankful for you. (Come back.)
If you read this blog on a continual basis, I am particularly thankful for you. (Keep coming back and tell your friends (seriously).)
If you love baby Pandas and all things Pumpkin, I am thankful for you.
If you contributed the egg or semen that led to my birth, I am thankful for you.
If you ever attended school with me and we keep in touch, I am thankful for you.
If you were at any time married to the Shaman, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever prank called a sports talk show with me, I am thankful for you.
If you ever had me in class as a student and we keep in touch, I am thankful for you.
If you ever worked with me and we keep in touch, I am thankful for you (unless I refuse to respond to your emails, in which case, please don’t make me get a restraining order).
If you make excellent movies, I am thankful for you (clearly I’m NOT thankful for Oliver Stone).
If you have ever made me laugh AND never tried to stab me with a fork, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever spent time trying to get Roman Polanski extradited to America, I am thankful for you.
If you have thinkingfool.com bookmarked, I am thankful for you.
If I have ever been the best man at your wedding, I am thankful for you.
If I was not invited to your wedding because you knew it would be a royal hassle for me to attend, I am thankful for you (unless you secretly didn’t want me to attend; then you can go straight to hell.)
If you ever attended school with me and we don’t keep in touch, you might as well go to hell too.
If you have ever left me a threatening voice mail AND recently moved to San Francisco, I am thankful for you.
If you ever appeared in a Victoria’s Secret Catalog, especially during the years I was in high school, I am thankful for you. (Queue Pete Seeger’s “Where have all the Flowers Gone” and substitute, “Where have all the catalogs gone.” Perhaps the worst thing about living in a non-female environment is the lack of interesting mail, i.e. the Victoria’s Secret Catalog, Cosmopolitan, People, etc.)
If your name is Harriet Miers and you know President Bush personally, I am thankful for you.
If your name is Amber Frey and you are a slut, I am thankful for you.
If you’ve ever written me a letter or sent me a postcard, I am thankful for you. (Keep it up!)
If you link to my blog from your site, I am thankful for you.
If you accompanied me to Magic Mountain this year, I am thankful for you.
If you are a hobo with internet access, why are you a hobo?
If you responded to my question of how to lower my cholesterol by saying, “Stop eating the shit you eat,” I am thankful for you.
If you work for the Washington National Opera, I am not thankful for you, especially if you’re one of the bastards who called me recently and tried to get me to buy tickets.
If you hosted Nightline for the first twenty-six years of the show’s existence, I am thankful for you. (Please don't go to HBO. Go to a normal television station where you'll be working somewhat regularly.)
If you had lunch with me this week, I am thankful for you.
If you graded any portion of my bar exam, I am thankful for you.
If you are a taco from Jack-in-the-Box, I am thankful for you.
If you are a cheeseburger from In-N-Out, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever said, “What a jerk,” AND refuse to capitalize the first letter of one of my friend’s names, I am thankful for you.
If you know how to use the words “I” and “me” appropriately, I am thankful for you. ("I" might be the most misused word ever.)
If you’ve ever picked me up from an airport, I am thankful for you (unless I have given you money for the ride).
If you inspired me to go to law school and recently suffered a stroke, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever served as a soldier in the United States Military, I am thankful for you.
If you’re trying to make the world a better place, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever hired me to do something I love to do, I am thankful for you.
If you have ever given me a raise, I am thankful for you. (“Raise” does not apply to those who have check-raised me while playing poker.)
If you work in the leasing office at my apartment complex, I am not thankful for you.
If you smile at random strangers, I am thankful for you.
If you say, “Good ideeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea? Good idea to x, y, and z,” when you lecture students, I am thankful for you.
If you've ever given me a birthday or Christmas present, I am thankful for you. (See how easy it is to make the list if you really want to make the list.)
If you provide space on your server for me to blog, I am thankful for you. (If you're reading this, you ought to be thankful for that person as well.)
If you have had any role in bringing “Ambien” to the market, I am particularly thankful for you.
Finally, if none of the above-mentioned categories applies to you (you clearly can't read if you think that), and you would really like me to be thankful for you, better luck next time.
Comments
Hey! I've been thanked like 5 seperate (but equal) times! Thank you Fool. I'm thankful for your wittiness.
Posted by: Philosofickle at November 24, 2005 11:43 AM
"If you’ve ever picked me up from an airport, I am thankful for you (unless I have given you money for the ride)."
Are you really thankful for this cabbie.
Posted by: NYU Jew at November 24, 2005 10:37 PM
I'm VERY thankful for that cabbie! Anything that makes blogging easier is usually a good thing. That's why I'm going to try heroin this weekend.
Posted by: Fool at November 25, 2005 02:11 AM
I saw a baby Panda eating a baby pumpkin once and I almost came.
Posted by: Fresh? at November 25, 2005 08:57 AM
Fool- I guess the heroin experimentation explains the lack of any posts in the last 50+ hours.
Posted by: NYU Jew at November 26, 2005 08:01 PM
