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November 28, 2005
What NOT To Do If You're a Flight Attendant
The only thing that keeps me loyal to America West Airlines is the company’s generous frequent flyer program. (I guess the low fares and nonstop flights from DC’s National Airport to Phoenix don’t hurt either.) Fortunately (and unfortunately), I’ve flown enough over the last few years to qualify for complimentary first class upgrades when space is available; thus, it shouldn’t come as a shock to learn that whenever I fly, it’s usually aboard America West. My recent Vegas trip was no exception.
Needless to say, I was thrilled when I found out AWA had upgraded me to first class for the ride back to DC, especially since the flight was a red-eye! If I’m tired, I usually don’t have trouble sleeping on planes (the key word is “usually,” which is why it's bolded (you idiot - this paranthetical probably doesn't apply to you)), but there’s no doubt that sleeping in first class is a hell of a lot easier and much more enjoyable than sleeping in coach. Of course, it’s a lot easier to sleep when you don’t have a complete moron for a flight attendant.
On the night in question, I was exhausted so I fell asleep pretty quickly. About halfway through the flight, I started dreaming that someone was tapping me. Suddenly, I opened my eyes and realized that someone was in fact tapping me. That someone was the flight attendant.
Flight Attendant: Excuse me, sir. I’m sorry to awaken you, but do you have this gentleman’s blanket?
Thinking Fool: (Completely dazed) What?
Flight Attendant: We can’t find this man’s blanket and we were wondering if you accidentally grabbed it?
Thinking Fool: (Quite disturbed) No. I don’t have his blanket. And if you wake me up again, not only am I going to strangle this moron sitting next to me for getting this whole ordeal started, I’m going to strangle you too. This is a flight specifically designed for people to sleep. Knowing that, you actually deliberately woke me up so you could ask about a stupid blanket? I sure as hell hope you haven't procreated because you are an idiot.
Sometimes, it's nice that people can't read our thoughts.
