« Pardon Me, Mr. Prime Minister, But About Your Drink of Choice... | Main | Happy Half-Birthday to ThinkingFool.com - Time to Celebrate, Spread the Word, and Review What's Been Written Thus Far! »
November 01, 2005
When Nice People Marry Total Jerks
Women, consider yourself warned. This probably isn't a post you'll enjoy reading. My apologies.
Yesterday, I decided to work out fairly late. Towards the end of my workout, a fellow resident of my apartment complex came strolling into the workout room with his wife. Now this guy and I have had numerous conversations. Over the summer, we both worked out in the middle of the night a lot and spent quite a bit of time talking about our lives, our careers (which would technically be part of "our lives"), and various other things that interested us at the time. Included on the list of topics was this man’s wife. The guy's wife happens to be a doctor who graduated from Johns Hopkins Medical School or Harvard Medical School or some REALLY awesome medical school. These days, I think she’s an OBGYN or pediatrician or brain surgeon or, it really doesn’t matter. What’s important is that she’s doing her residency at some phenomenal hospital in the Washington area and is clearly incredibly intelligent. The husband’s no imbecile in his own right – he graduated in the top third of his class from Harvard Law School. Yes, they have the makings of a power couple.
After the lawyer and his wife appeared in the workout room together, the lawyer and I exchanged greetings. Then, as could be expected, the lawyer said, “Fool, I’d like you to meet my wife.” I looked at the wife and said, “So you’re the non-intelligent doctor in the family.” Yes, I said, "non-intelligent," and yes, I was being sarcastic! Anyone who knows me knows that I speak in sarcasm. Although this style of speech causes problems at times, usually when you're dealing with non-imbeciles, people know that I'm being sarcastic and all is well in the universe.
So much for all being well last night.
As soon as I made the comment, you could just sense the change. The workout room’s mood transformed from one of sheer happiness to one of incredible tension. I continued to exercise for about a minute, but I found myself thinking, "What the hell just happened? These are smart people. They can’t possibly think I was serious when I called the wife a ‘non-intelligent’ doctor, can they?” Well, the more I thought about it, the more I thought these two didn’t get sarcasm. Naturally, I tried to remedy the situation.
Thinking Fool: “You guys, I was totally joking when I said that comment. You know that, right? (Looking directly at the wife) From everything your husband has told me about you, I’m well aware that you’re nothing short of brilliant.”
Husband: (With a baffled look on his face) “I wasn’t sure I heard you correctly when you said that comment. I actually was starting to think that I’d have to go over there and kick your ass.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking, "Yeah, go ahead and try. You may be bigger than I am, but I have free weights in my hand and numerous others within my reach." Advantage: Fool) “No, I was totally joking. I’m really sorry if I offended either of you.”
You know how after there's a stupid misunderstanding that is immediately cleared up, most normal, good-natured human beings say something like, “No worries, mate!” or “Hakuna Matata!” or “Don’t worry about it.” Well, that is what I was expecting. But, that’s not what happened. Instead, the wife snapped at me like a pit bull whose owner had just taken away his favorite bone.
The Wife (hereinafter "Hideous Human Being"): “DON’T TALK TO ME WHILE I’M WATCHING MY SHOW!!!"
I'm not kidding. She said - well, more like mildly screamed - that.
I want you to keep something in mind. I was in the workout room before these two goons showed their faces. While I was alone, I had one television tuned to CNN so I could watch/listen to the news. (I know some of you were expecting something else to follow the "When I was alone" portion of that sentence.) As soon as the non-sarcasm-understanding couple came in and turned on the other television set, I immediately turned off “my” television, so they could watch whatever they wanted to watch without having to hear CNN competing with their program. From my vantage point, that was a pretty considerate thing to do, yes?
After the doctor snapped at me, I stood there completely baffled. The husband had always been incredibly nice and engaging, so it shocked me that his wife seemed colder than the North Pole during the middle of the Ice Age. How do people like this end up with each other?
I didn't really want to be in the same room with the hideous human being and fortunately, I was nearly done with my workout, so I left the gym within a few minutes and said goodnight to the hideous human being's husband, but didn't say a word to her. (I’m sure she was quite pleased that I didn’t attempt to speak to her.) If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I would have refrained from saying what I wanted to say.
Thinking Fool: “[Lawyer], you know I’ve always gotten along well with you, so don’t take this the wrong way. However, if your wife isn’t getting ready to bleed for the next week, then you might have married one of the biggest C-star–star–star-S I’ve ever met. Have a good night.”
Sometimes it's good that time machines don't exist.
Comments
So I'm guessing you're going to recommned to The Husband that he not procreate with Hideous Human Being? If you were a good friend of mine, I'd want you to look after me and tell me these things (not that I'd ever marry anyone hideous, ice cold, or lacking a very dry/caustic/sarcastic sense of humor...)
Posted by: NYU Jew at November 1, 2005 04:10 PM
Sorry Fool, but you had it coming to you.
Although the "c * * t" may have been hypersensitive, it's time you grew up to realized that sarcasm is a poor form of attempted communication except in very limited circumstances. In fact I would have to dare say it is both a pussilanimous and lazy way to deal with people. Especially if you don't know them well. You should have offered a better apology than the equally pusillanimous , conditional, "I am really sorry IF I offended you." Next time try, "Please forgive me for being rude to you."
And no, this is not a sarcastic post.
Fermout
Posted by: fermanator at November 1, 2005 08:48 PM
NYU Jew - Actually, you'll be surprised, but I think this couple SHOULD procreate. They're both wickedly intelligent and we need more smart people in the world because the more smart people in the world, the more likely we'll have a smart president. Win-Win. Plus, I have a hunch I just caught Dr. Charming on a bad day. When people catch me on a bad day, I throw swords at them; so in reality, her response to my comment was pretty tame.
Fermanator - I don't share your viewpoint - I think a world without sarcasm is a scary world and feel sarcasm has much more of a place in our daily interactions than you do. Nevertheless, as always, I respect your point of view even if I don't agree with it. As for the "conditional apology," I had just told the woman I knew she was nothing short of brilliant and then apologized immediately thereafter. Whether you dub my apology conditional or not, I had taken two steps to extend an olive branch and it was completely rejected. I guess I'll keep a yellow rose handy in case I see her again. Of course, I won't give it to her while she's watching a television program. Instead, I'll just make sure I don't turn off my television set next time.
Posted by: Fool at November 1, 2005 10:15 PM
That situation called for a "See you next Tuesday" thrown in the woman's direction. Of course, if she knows what that means, she would probably have beaten you to death with a free weight.
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at November 1, 2005 10:57 PM
When is the last time we had a smart President who was good for the US? Lincoln? Roosevelt (Teddy)?
Posted by: NYU Jew at November 2, 2005 12:14 PM
