December 14, 2005
Adventures at Work: "How Dare You Tell My Friend about My Dirty Habit...No, It doesn't matter that she already knew about it...That's Not Relevant."
Anyone who’s lived longer than a day knows that sometimes, despite all efforts to the contrary, you find yourself in the middle of a dispute wondering, “How the hell did I get myself into this situation?” Yesterday that precise thought percolated through my brain like the lethal toxins that traveled through Tookie’s body in San Quentin's death chamber.
On Tuesday afternoon, my boss’ secretary stepped out of the office for a few minutes when her friend, a woman who works on the same floor, popped her head into the office for a moment. “Lucy” asked me where the secretary was. I didn’t know for certain, but suspected that she had gone out for a smoke break. Thus, I replied, “I’m not totally sure, but I think she went to satisfy a craving.”
When the secretary returned, I recounted the exchange that had taken place between Lucy and me. Well, I might as well have told her that I had just sent a hit-man to rape and murder her entire family. To say she was pissed would be akin to saying Hitler was a little nutty!
Thinking Fool: Why are you mad at me?
Boss’ Secretary: Because I don't want anyone to know I smoke.
Thinking Fool:Then maybe you should quit, you idiot.But I didn't tell her that you smoked.
Boss’ Secretary: You told her I went outside to satisfy a craving and I'm sure she knew that meant I was going to go smoke.
Thinking Fool: True, but you could have had a craving for some sort of food. Plus, even if she assumed that I meant you were going outside to smoke, aren't you and she smoking buddies?
Boss’ Secretary: That has nothing to do with it.
Thinking Fool: Actually, it has everything to do with it. You're mad at me for spilling the beans to another person that you are a smoker, yet that person already knows you are a smoker. I fail to see the harm that I've inflicted.
Boss’ Secretary: I don't want to talk about it.
Thinking Fool: Well, this has certainly been productive.At least I now know logic has no place in your mind.
After the secretary left, I talked to some of my other coworkers and asked them for advice. Because they have all worked with her longer than I have, I figured they’d have some tips on how I could patch things up with the secretary. (She was seriously furious.) Coworker #1, who dislikes the secretary immensely (think O.J.'s level of hatred for Nicole), had the best response.
Coworker #1: I look at it this way. Basically, right now she doesn’t like you. In other words, you’ve somehow managed to escape the hell that is prison, yet for reasons that absolutely baffle me, you’re trying to break back in. I just don’t get it. I definitely think you’re in the perfect place. So, I’d do nothing and hope she never forgives you.
When we were talking about the secretary’s smoking habits, which include smoking on the building’s balcony, coworker #1 offered another gem.
Coworker #1: She REALLY shouldn’t be smoking on the balcony, unless of course there’s a sniper out there, in which case, we should encourage it.
Yup, my coworkers are awesome, well, the nonsmokers at least!
Comments
In my experience, which is not considerable, smokers make bad workers. If they're not away taking a break, they're thinking about taking that break, and are generally irritable and unhelpful.
Asking a job applicant if they smoke should be a required question in any interview, and those who answer "yes" should be discriminated against and not hired. Those who lie and say "no" should be fired when they're found out, and blacklisted from further work in their industry. Companies who downsize should get rid of the smokers first, and then worry about seniority and the highly salaried. Companies who outsource to third world countries should get assurances from those governments that smokers will be extradited here and dealt with accordingly.
Oh, and all smokers need to die.
Posted by: Neel Mehta at December 14, 2005 05:12 AM
By the same logic, I guess males are generally bad workers too - after all, they're always thinking about sex, right? I have no problem jacking smokers' health care up to compensate for those of us who don't smoke. However, as long as it continues to be a legal product, I don't think the stigmatization that smokers receive is fair. It's a moronic lifestyle choice, but doesn't quite rise to the level of pedophilia or armed robbery or starting the Crips.
Posted by: Fool at December 14, 2005 10:49 PM
i think the stigmatization is more fair than unfair. my dentist's office happens to be above the location in the parking garage where people go to smoke. these people have no problem ruining their lungs and bothering coworkers with their foul stench, but to smoke outside in freezing temperatures....that's just crazy. smelling cigarette smoke while your mouth is being cut open is not pleasant.
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