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December 30, 2005
From the “I Must Need Eye Surgery because I couldn’t Possibly have Read that Correctly, Could I Have?” File: TAKE TWO – From the Bronx Tale to “Mmm, Give me Some of your Tail, Boy.”
It must be something in the water. First a terrorist is outraged that he wasn’t consulted during the making of a film and now this recent quote by an actor-turned-thug.
In 1993, Lillo Brancato Jr. starred as Robert DeNiro’s troubled son in The Bronx Tale. (It’s a fine film should you need something to watch this weekend.) Brancato went on to have roles in Crimson Tide, Renaissance Man, Enemy of the State, and a few other movies, all of which would cause Roger Ebert to say, “I’m giving all of these movies big thumbs down because, frankly, I’ve never heard of any of them. More importantly, the guy at the local burger shopped promised me a free order of fries if I’d pan all non-mainstream Branacto films – said it had something to do with not liking meatballs."
As you probably know, earlier this month, Brancato and a friend broke into a basement apartment in the Bronx to steal prescription drugs. By the time their little burglary was over, Brancato had been shot two times, yet lived unfortunately, while 28-year-old off-duty police officer Daniel Enchautegui lay dead. On December 15, Brancato and his accomplice, the actual shooter, were arraigned on charges of murder. Can I get a "Hip Hip, Hooray" for the felony murder rule?!?
In a New York Post interview that was published yesterday, Brancato claimed that he wept while reading a newspaper account of the police officer’s funeral.
Do you believe him?
I do.
For two reasons.
First, I’m sure Brancato feels 
incredibly guilty that another person is dead just because he and his buddy were two scumballs who wanted to satisfy their drug habits. Any person with a semblance of decency would feel horrible. And while Brancato seems like a douche bag, he doesn't strike me as a sociopath.
Second, Brancato also probably has shed several tears thinking about the fact that he’s going to get to enjoy the wonders of sodomy (on the receiving end no doubt) for a very long period of time, if not for the rest of his life. That's got to be heartwarming! Anyone up for starting a "Get Brancato plenty of KY Jelly" fund? "You is awfully purty, boy."
What baffles me is Brancato's claim that he had no idea that his partner in crime had a gun. "If I would have known, I wouldn't have allowed him in my car. Imagine, we get pulled over and I get caught with an armed felon in my car. Since I've been in the movies, it would have instantly drawn attention."
Heavens to mergatroid, imagine that!
A famous person driving with another person who has a gun - that's page one news! But an actor burglarizing a basement apartment in order to satisfy a drug craving, hell, that's not even worth a mention on cable access!
In other words, Brancato is an idiot.
Not only is he a very strong candidate for the 2005-2006 Mental Poverty Program, Brancato is also the latest person to join the growing list of people who should never be allowed to procreate. If only a candidate would run on that platform!
Your ass butt rear bottom up, Lillo!
Comments
Dude, Owen Wilson was in Enemy of the State. Oh no, wait, that was Behind Enemy Lines.
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at December 30, 2005 06:16 PM
I forgot he was in Crimson Tide. He played the radio specialist, right? Tragic story. A police officer loses his life and an actor completely screws up his own.
Court Interpreter
Posted by: Court Interpreter at January 1, 2006 08:27 PM
