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December 28, 2005
Golf: The “I want to be like Ev” Edition – Part II
Three months ago today, I posted part I of this story. Because I’ve been too busy touching myself For some inexplicable reason, I never got around to posting part II. Well Part II’s time has arrived. So, sit back, relax, grab a colortini, read Part I, and watch the words as they fly threw the air. (Am I the only one who misses Tom Snyder?)
The Premise: My brother and I wanted to act like my dad’s “friend,” Ev, to see how annoying we could be on the golf course.
The Highlight Reel: We sat in our cart near the first tee awaiting the arrival of our playing partners.
Thinking Fool: Do you really want to do this?
Fool’s Bro: Absolutely.
A couple minutes passed before our playing partners arrived.
Playing Partner #1: Hi, guys. I’m Mike and this is Jake. We’ll be playing with you today.
Fool’s Bro: (In an "Ev" voice) Oh hi, Mike. I’m Ev.
Playing Partner #1: Nice to meet you, Ev.
Fool’s Bro: (Pointing at me) And this is my brother. He’s Ev too.
Playing Partner #1: (Completely confused) Wait, you’re both named Ev?
Thinking Fool: (Hardly able to control my composure) I’m (nearly losing it) Irv.
Fool’s Bro: (Pointing at me) Oh yes, that’s right. He’s Irv.
At this point, Mike was standing about two feet from us. He and my brother continued to engage in small talk while I literally had my face buried in my hands, hoping that Mike could not tell that I was laughing harder than a group of crack whores at a Richard Pryor concert. I was applying sunscreen at the time; so the fact that my hands were covering my face was not completely weird. On the other hand, the fact that they were covering my face for nearly two minutes probably would have struck the average person as being a little odd.
The Second Green – The Accents
Playing Partner #1: Are you guys Dutch? You both have really weird accents?
Fool’s Bro: No, we’re actually from Arizona.
Playing Partner #1: ARIZONA??? You guys definitely sound like you’re from another country, Germany or Amsterdam or something.
Fool’s Bro: Well, our mom grew up in Illinois.
Playing Partner #1: Oh.
Now, as Hubie Brown would say, “Freeze it right there.” Here we are two guys from Arizona. Okay? We’re talking with the most awkward voices you’ve ever heard. Imagine someone trying to do a really bad British accent, not even coming close to doing it correctly, and pausing at the weirdest times. That’s pretty much what we sounded like. So, Mike calls us out on this immediately – rightfully so might I add – to which my brother replies, “Well, our mom grew up in Illinois.” My brother might as well have said, “Well, we spent a week in Florida when we were teenagers and had sex with a couple of dolphins. That's why we talk this way.” For whatever reason, Mike dropped the issue at that point.
Although we really wanted to be jerks the entire time (like Ev), Mike and Jake turned out to be really nice guys, so we ended up acting like human beings a supermajority of the time. This proved somewhat difficult because we maintained our weird accents throughout the entire round. Despite our desire to be nice, I'm happy to report that there were a few Ev-like moments during the round.
The Drive
After my brother outdrove Jake on one hole, he was eager to let Jake know.
Fool’s Bro: Oh, would you look at that, Jake. You hit yours really well, and I barely used a half-swing, yet I STILL hit mine farther than you did!
The First Par Three
Jake’s tee shot landed about 3 feet from the cup. When we all got to the green, Jake’s playing partner complimented him on his unbelievable shot. I also complimented him. “Ev,” on the other hand, complimented himself.
Fool’s Bro: Hey Jake, I hit a shot like that on a similar hole last week, and I got it even closer to the pin than you did!
The Errant Tee Shots
On one hole, my brother and Mike hit their tee shots way to the left. I hit mine right down the middle. Before Jake teed off, I offered him a little bit of advice.
Thinking Fool: Hey Jake. Make sure you try to do what I did. I hit my ball right down the middle of the fairway. Mike, on the other hand, well, he hit a HORRIBLE shot. I don’t know if you saw his, but it went as far left as a ball could go.
The Cart Girl
Fool’s Bro: How much money can you make a day doing what it is you’re doing?
Cart Girl: I usually make anywhere from 50 to 70.
Fool’s Bro: Is that all? I have a sister who does this and she makes between 100 and 120.
Cart Girl: (Trying to sound Katie Couric perky) Oh, that’s really great for her.
Fool’s Bro: (After a few seconds of awkward silence) What’s the biggest tip you’ve ever gotten?
Cart Girl: A guy gave me twenty bucks once.
Fool’s Bro: (Looking astonished and boastful) One time my sister got 40!
Hysterectomy Anyone?
Finally, in keeping with the spirit of Ev, we couldn’t keep ourselves from dropping a hysterectomy comment.
Fool’s Bro: (While we were waiting on the tee box) I tell you what. Sue’s had the most difficult time keeping her weight down ever since her hysterectomy.
Mike and Jake: (Total silence.)
What made the round even more fun was Mike's belief that every tee box could easily double as a urinal. I don't know how many times the guy just decided to take a leak on the side of the tee box, but it certainly approached double digits.
Anyone want to play golf with us?
Comments
Hysterectomy?
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at December 28, 2005 09:37 PM
LOL. First time on your site and I'm cracking up. Loved the picture of Shooter McGavin, as well. :)
Thanks for the laughs.
Posted by: The BLS at January 2, 2006 06:22 AM
