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December 16, 2005
How to Keep People from Sitting Next to You on a Southwest Flight (and also not die)
Do you think Southwest Airlines will have fewer passengers this holiday season now that the former safety-conscious airline has demonstrated its ability to use planes as human-crushing machines? I don’t. Although most airlines suffer following crashes, I don’t get the sense that Southwest’s recent mishap at Chicago’s Midway Airport will tarnish the airline at all, particularly given the fact that nobody on the plane actually died. In fact, you may even find yourself flying Southwest Airlines during this holiday season. If you do, try adopting Papa Fool’s approach for boarding Southwest airplanes.
Several years ago, Papa Fool and I were flying somewhere on Southwest and were hoping like hell that we’d have an open seat between us (it’s much easier to play cards and snort lines of cocaine that way). We knew our flight was going to be packed, but not filled to capacity. In other words, we thought there was an outside chance that we’d keep the middle seat vacant. That’s where my dad’s wisdom and experience took over.
Without further ado, I present to you Papa Fool’s Foolproof Strategy for Maintaining an Open Seat Next To You on a Southwest Flight (Trademark pending).
Step #1: Board the aircraft as early as possible. In other words, ensure that you are in Group A.
Step #2: Pick an aisle or window seat. (If you voluntarily pick a middle seat, you should not be allowed to procreate). If you’re traveling with a partner – fortunately, it doesn’t matter if the partner is a gay lover, girlfriend, husband, son, business associate, circus clown, or even a leper*** – one of you should sit in the aisle seat while the other person sits in the window seat.
Step #3: The person in the aisle seat should start coughing more than a high school football team at a doctor’s office, especially when people are walking by your row. In addition, the person in the window seat should sneeze (it’s seriously worth practicing your sneezing skills) as many times as possible. I’m talking enough sneezes to make people think you do more coke than Kate Moss. (Both individuals should also feel free to pick their noses at any time.)
Step #4: Watch as passengers look down at you and your partner with an “I am so glad this airline doesn’t have assigned seating because God knows I’d do anything not to have to sit next to these two guys” look plastered across their faces!
Step #5: Periodically glance over at each other and smile.
Step #6: If for some strange reason, some weirdo happens to make a move as though he’s going to sit next to you, immediately ask the man if he’ll pull your finger.
Step #7: Once plane is airborne, pull down the vacant seat’s tray table and proceed to play a variety of card games, gambling on every single one of them.
Step #8: Hope like hell you’re not flying into Midway during a snowstorm.
Step #9: Pray to God (unless you plan to hijack aircraft and crash plane into building, in which case, pretend Allah is asleep and wants you to put off your plan).
**Note A: If a Victoria’s Secret model boards the aircraft, Steps 3, 4, 6, and 7 should not be carried out under any circumstances.
***Note B: If you actually manage to travel with someone suffering from leprosy, it is not necessary to carry out Steps 3 or 6 because nobody will sit next to you guys, even if one of Allah’s fine servants is pointing a gun at someone.
Travel safely.
Comments
A friend at GULC recently told me that the secret to flying Southwest is that he was once in the "A" group, and he still has a copy of that boarding pass. So now, whenever he flies Southwest, if he logs on to get his ticket and he isn't in group "A", he just cuts and pastes on the computer and makes all his tickets "A" tickets.
Posted by: marshall at December 16, 2005 10:24 PM
"So now, whenever he flies Southwest, if he logs on to get his ticket and he isn't in group 'A', he just cuts and pastes on the computer and makes all his tickets 'A' tickets." That makes me feel really comfortable about how much energy Southwest is putting towards cyber-safety.
Posted by: Fool at December 17, 2005 03:17 PM
Is there anything you'd recommend to induce Step 3 behavior?
Posted by: NYU Jew at December 17, 2005 09:23 PM
