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December 19, 2005
King Kong Crap
Before this weekend, I don’t think I had ever wanted to shoot someone at a movie theater. Yesterday, I wanted to shoot several people, and I’m not talking about shooting to injure; I wanted to shoot to kill. First, there was the nice Indian couple who apparently thought their Georgetown movie-going experience was an audition to be the new hosts for Mystery Science Theater. After about an hour of their incessant chatter, I finally told them to pipe down. For the most part, they obliged. I wasn’t so patient with the two young punks seated to my right. If the Indian couple thought they were auditioning for Mystery Science Theater, the two young punks thought they were auditioning for Mystery Science Theater: The EXTRA Loud Version. After about twenty minutes of listening to their ongoing, loud commentary, I told one of them to keep it down. He did... for about thirty minutes. His friend didn’t get the memo. (At least the Indian couple whispered most of the time.) To make matters worse, the young punk who controlled himself for a while actually fielded TWO phone calls during the movie. By “fielded TWO phone calls,” I don’t mean his phone rang and he turned it off. I mean his phone rang, he answered, and then he proceeded to talk to people. Then there were the geniuses who thought King Kong was an appropriate film for their infant child. To the shock of no one, the infant started screaming like an Islamofascist chopping off a hostage's head. Surprisingly, the child's parents actually realized their baby’s screaming was an appropriate time to remove him and themselves from the theater. I just wish someone would have chopped off their heads before they had conceived the adorable little screamer. (Although I’ve said it before, it bears repeating: babies belong at movie theaters about as much as Jimmy Carter’s name belongs on a battleship.)
Needless to say, I felt completely overwhelmed and about halfway through the movie, I simply gave up. I decided battling the inconsiderate, 
loud people was not worth my energy, especially given the fact that I thought King Kong was boring from minute one through minute 187. (For those who are a little slow on the uptake, the movie is 187 minutes, which means I was bored throughout the entire film.) Yes, I realize that puts me in the minority as every person in the world seems to think this film is one huge orgasm. Regardless, there's not a person alive who was happier to see that stupid gorilla fall off the Empire State Building than I was. It's not that I wanted Kong to die. To the contrary, I wanted him to kill all the bastard humans in the film, not to mention several in the movie theater, and then attempt to procreate with Naomi Watts (that'd result in a fun sequel). I just knew that with Kong dead, the movie would be ending soon and I'd finally get to leave the theater. In other words, when Kong was plummeting towards Earth, I could only think of two words, "Praise Allah."
Does anyone know where I can get a gun? I plan to see a lot of movies over the next two weeks.
Comments
I think at Wal-Mart, you can pretty much load up on guns, but you might have to go to the South for that. Lucky for you, Virginia is close by.
I heard King Kong had a slower-than-anticipated opening weekend, making me think you weren't the only one rolling your eyes.
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at December 19, 2005 07:31 PM
The NRA isn't too far. http://www.nrahq.org/contact.asp
I hope you don't have to shoot anybody with it. You know, you are allowed to leave movies early, especially it they involve big apes. (See also Congo.) By "see also," I'm not actually recommending that you go see it.
Posted by: NYU Jew at December 19, 2005 07:58 PM
i thought kong was just about perfect. in its defense, it opened on wednesday. maybe if it had opened friday, or on a weekend that didn't immediately precede christmas, ticket sales would have been higher.
Posted by: gator girl at December 19, 2005 09:02 PM
As an aside, would "Ass Kong" be a synonym for "Donkey Kong"?
Posted by: fermanator at December 20, 2005 11:59 AM
Choose the neighborhood of your theaters and movie times wisely or else this is the sort of rubbish you must deal with.
There are many stereotype related comments I want to make but I am fighting the urge with all of my strength...
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at December 21, 2005 03:20 AM
I would have expected the behavior at Union Station, but NOT in Georgetown. Georgetown hasn't become an interactive theater quite yet.
Posted by: Fool at December 21, 2005 09:33 PM
as a tie in to Fool's recent entries about germany and king kong, my german friend had the following to say about king kong (why does it always come back to hitler?):
I was thinking about the deeper meaning of the movie and came to the following
conclusions:
- Women apparently like to have a gorilla who bails them out in case of trouble,
eg being approached by a lizard, be it in the jungle of a big city or a genuine
one.
- Blonde girls with large chests seem to have an affection for dark-haired,
strong oriental guys
(that last part almost gives the movie a racist touch. I would have liked an
alternative ending, eg King Kong gets convinced of the American values of
freedom and democracy and decides to participate at D-Day, walking straight to
Berlin and killing Hitler and later the Japanese emperor (before fighting
Godzilla, of course)
Posted by: gator girl at December 23, 2005 09:20 AM
