Thinking Fool

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December 12, 2005

Some Teachers Are Full of Crap: Exhibit A

One of my faithful readers once asked me whether I actually remember all of the stories that I tell. I can honestly say that I do. It’s true that with the passage of time, some memories might get tweaked a little, but by and large everything I write is factually accurate. With that stated, I’ve deliberately blocked out some childhood memories of being touched in inappropriate places, but that’s largely been done out of embarrassment – embarrassment that more people didn’t think I was attractive enough to touch. With that in mind, let me take you back to a time when I was in the first grade.

My teacher was a physically attractive woman (see above comment about lack of touching (in case you were wondering)), but a little odd. Her biggest concern seemed to be about students wasting food, which led to a rather insane policy. In a nutshell, her policy was simple - if you didn’t eat everything in your lunchbox, you were to bring the uneaten food home; so your parents would know what you liked and didn’t like. Under no circumstances were you to throw food away. If you did, there would be consequences.

We learned about this rule on the first day of class. To the best of my memory, the rule was never repeated until about four months later when Mrs. F caught a student violating the rule. On that particular day, a young girl named Samantha threw away a portion of an apple turnover. Mrs. F saw Sammy do this (or now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure some little bastard actually told on Sammy - what a horrible human being); so Mrs. F made Sammy take the food out of the garbage and EAT it. I kid you not. The woman made a first grader eat food out of the garbage for violating a rule that we had been informed of on the first day of class, but one which had never been mentioned since. (God forbid first graders actually forget something.) Clearly, we were dealing with a whack-job.

To her credit, the whack-job helped me learn how to read. What she did not help me do was learn what a “couple” meant. Instead, she taught the class that a "pair is two" and "a couple is three." Well, I don't know about you, but I generally believed what my teachers taught me, especially at that age; so I steadfastly thought that a "couple" was synonymous with "three" until my dad set me straight. To this day, I'm bitter that she never touched me.

The revelation took place when my dad and I were ordering food at a Jack-in-the-Box drive-through-window. My dad asked me what I wanted, and I told him, “Two tacos.” (I also ordered some other stuff – most likely fries and some sort of drink, but the rest of the order is completely irrelevant to the story and I honestly don’t remember what I ordered. If that portion of the story is something you’d really like to know, may I suggest walking barefoot from wherever you are to the Yukon Territory.) Needless to say, when my dad looked at the drive-through intercom and said, “We’d like a couple of tacos,” I nearly fainted.

Thinking Fool: (Quite worried) No dad! I only want two tacos, not three!

Papa Fool: (Pulling the car forward) I ordered you two.

Thinking Fool: No, you didn’t. You ordered me a “couple.”

Papa Fool: A “couple” is two.

Thinking Fool: No, it’s not. It’s three.

Papa Fool: Where the hell did you learn that bullshit?

Thinking Fool: At school, from my teacher.

Papa Fool: I’m paying HOW much fucking money to send you to this place? Hmm, well that’s interesting. You’ll just have to trust your dad on this one. A couple is two.

Thinking Fool: (Skeptical) Hmm, okay. (Thinking, "You realize I'm going to have to verify this!")

Mrs. F only lasted another year before she got knocked up and drifted off the school’s radar. I’m pretty certain she wasn’t knocked up by a student – certainly not by a first grader – but I can’t confirm that. I hated first grade.

Posted by fool on December 12, 2005 12:23 AM

Comments

Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at December 13, 2005 09:10 PM