December 06, 2005
"The Saddam Hussein Show" - NBC Thursdays, After Joey
Did you see the latest picture of Saddam Hussein? 
It’s nothing short of fantastic! I don’t like to support brutal dictators any more than the average person, but I'm making an exception with Saddam - this guy's great! Some network executive should ink this boy to star in his own reality television show ASAP! If you think Ozzy, Anna-Nicole, or Nick and Jessica provided entertainment, I guarantee you that you'd adore "The Saddam Hussein Show."
Don't believe me? Tell me you don't find the following amusing, or at least interesting.
Example #1: Yesterday, the lunatic former dictator told his trial judge, “I am not afraid of execution.” That’s good because the last time I checked, the odds of Saddam NOT being executed were around 15,000,000 to 1. (I guess there’s a chance he could have a heart attack and die before a rope snatches the life out of his body.) There's just something really cool about a man, who was too scared to die going down in a blaze of glory like his sons (at least they had some guts), talking about his inevitable execution. If you brought in Dr. Phil for a few segments of this, I promise an absolute homerun (and maybe even a few tears!).
Example #2: Yesterday, Saddam also displayed his enormous lifelong skill of knowing how to treat people in ways that will ensure his continued good fortune when he threatened his trial judge by saying, “When the revolution of the heroic Iraq arrives, you will be held accountable.” It’s one thing to threaten the trial judge when there’s a jury deciding your fate. It’s an entirely different matter to threaten the trial judge when there is NO jury involved in your case. (True, the trial judge is only one of several judges who will determine Saddam’s fate, but regardless, threatening one of the key decision-makers doesn’t strike me as wise, though it’s clearly enormously entertaining!) Before he's executed, Saddam should do the world a favor by writing a book about treating people well. He certainly has mastered that skill. Hell, maybe he and Tookie Williams can get together and co-author a children's book. Tookie's already been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize; there's no reason Saddam can't join Tookie's ranks.
Example #3: Don’t forget that last week Saddam complained to the same trial judge about having to walk up four flights of stairs (the horror) because of a broken elevator in the courthouse. When the judge replied that he would tell the police about the elevator, Saddam became enraged. “I don’t want you to tell them. I WANT YOU TO ORDER THEM!" If this man is ever medicated before a court appearance, it will be a sad, sad day for the world.
Look, I don’t care that the guy butchered countless souls. In my book, the guy is entertaining. Don't get me wrong, I still look forward to the day Saddam bids farewell to our world. I just want him to have his own reality television show before he meets Allah. That's why if I were running the Peacock Network, I'd order my executives to work something out with Saddam’s people immediately. And if the show ended up being a ratings juggernaut (and there’s no doubt in my mind that it would be a ratings juggernaut), I'd tell my network executives to follow the program with a reality show about O.J. Simpson! If there's any justice in the world, the Juice's program would end the same way Saddam's would - with a televised execution of the show's star. Now let's grab a bite to eat.
