January 31, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume VIII (Congratulations...Dad?!?!?)
After nearly nine months of waiting, a coworker on another floor and his wife are the proud parents of a baby girl. Because we’re all fine individuals with humongous hearts who try to do the right thing, the Boss’ Secretary, Coworkers #1, #2, #3, and I have been racking our brains trying to figure out what kind of gift we should buy for the new daddy’s little girl.
Coworker #3: I think we should buy her a shirt. All babies need clothes.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I don’t know; that’s not really that creative. Plus, parents can get weird when you try to buy their kids clothes.
Boss’ Secretary: (Off somewhere puffing on a cigarette)
Coworker #1: We could always go with a gift certificate to Baby Gap. That way, they could pick out the outfits.
Thinking Fool: I think we should pay for a paternity test.
So far, we’re still undecided, but I’m arguing vigorously for the paternity test. On the off chance that it's not his kid, wouldn't it be better for him to learn this now? He doesn't want to face an Amber Frey situation.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)January 30, 2006
Why the NCAA Will Never Hire Me: Volume II
Over the weekend, I happened to attend another women’s college basketball game. (For the record, I get paid to attend these things. It’s not like I wake up on a Saturday morning and think, “Today, I could go watch women’s college basketball, relax in my apartment and do nothing, OR stab myself in the eye with a pencil! Hmm, I think I’ll go watch some basketball.") As you might recall, my first idea for a new promotion fell on ears deafer than Helen Keller, Ludwig van Beethoven, and that lady who was on ER (and who always seems to sign the National Anthem at Super Bowls) combined! (That’s pretty damn deaf.) Anyway, to my surprise, this promotion wasn’t received very well either.
Thinking Fool: (During a timeout, to an Athletic Department employee while the cheerleaders performed some stupid routine) Since you didn’t like my idea about the Victoria’s Secret promotion, I thought I’d come up with something else.
Athletic Department Employee: (Sarcastically) I can hardly wait.
Thinking Fool: What if you got Planned Parenthood to sponsor a contest in which two fans came to center court and had to guess the total number of abortions the cheerleading squad has had? You could apply Price is Right Rules, meaning the closest guess without going over would win. Plus, you could even-
Athletic Department Employee: Okay, you can stop now.
Thinking Fool: (Acting genuinely surprised) What? You don’t like it?
Athletic Department Employee: Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s appropriate at this school.
Thinking Fool: Is this a Catholic university?
Athletic Department Employee: No.
Thinking Fool: Well, I see no problems then.
If you couple this promotion with the distribution of some Planned Parenthood flyers and maybe even throw in a few condom samples, maybe it's just me, but I think the student body starts attending more women’s basketball games.
As previously mentioned, universities, I am available.
Posted by fool at 12:32 AM | Comments (1)January 27, 2006
The BEST of Thinking Fool - Volume 1
Because the readership for this blog has increased quite a bit since its early days (that’s an excellent thing – spread me around!) AND because I need to study more over the next few weeks (that’s not a good thing) AND because most new readers don’t seem to want to rummage through all my old entries, from time to time, I plan to run a “Best of Thinking Fool.” This should be limited to one or two days a week at most, but for those who are addicted to the Fool, gotta give you something to take care of your fix.
Thus, I take you back to May 5, 2005 to give you a Thinking Fool classic: Ideas for Negotiating Your Next Lease – Threaten Them with Porn!
******************************************************
I am currently negotiating a short-term lease with the property manager of my apartment complex, hoping to pay far less than the absurd month-to-month rate recently suggested by management. After one day of negotiating, we're pretty close to reaching a deal, largely because management has come way down from its initial ludicrous offer. Why am I telling you this and why should you care?
ANSWER: Because fearing that management would play hardball, I generated some great ideas (okay, one so-so idea) on how you can negotiate with your landlord with no less force than that displayed by Stalin at the Yalta Conference. (Like Stalin, you might even do so well that you end up controlling half of Europe!)
Let's pretend my negotiation with management was not going well and that the property manager wanted to play hardball. I can envision the following exchange taking place:
Thinking Fool: Isn't there any possible way you can come down from that price? I've been a loyal tenant for the last three years and always pay my rent on time! Doesn't that mean anything?
Management: Nope. If you don't pay our asking price, we're going to rent your place to someone else. (Said while smiling of course.)
Thinking Fool: But if you don't sign me to a new lease, my apartment might be vacant for awhile, and that would cause you to lose money!
Management: You have a very nice apartment. It won't be hard to rent it out.
Thinking Fool: It might be hard to rent it out if I refuse to let you guys show it until I vacate the premises.
Management: You have to let us show your apartment. It's in your lease.
Thinking Fool: Hmm, maybe I ought to look at my lease at some point in time. (Fool pauses and pretends he is thinking.) Tell you what, I'll take your word that I must allow you to show others my apartment (I have no idea if this is actually in my lease, but kind of doubt it). Are you CERTAIN that you can't offer me a lower price?
Management: Mr. Fool, you're wasting my time here.
Thinking Fool: Well, I don't want to waste your time. I'm sorry we couldn't come to an understanding. (Fool starts walking out of the leasing office, but pulls a Columbo and comes back and starts talking like Columbo, even magically donning a trench coat and cigar!) Oh, Ms. Property Manager, there's just one more thing. Do you need anything from the store?
Management: Pardon me.
Thinking Fool: The store, do you need anything from the store?
Management: No, thank you, Mr. Fool.
Thinking Fool: Well, if you change your mind, let me know because I'm heading out in a few minutes. I don't even know why I'm telling you this - it's definitely embarrassing - but, in the next hour or so, I'm going to go to the nearest Border's and purchase every pornographic magazine on sale.
Management: I don't need to know this.
Thinking Fool: You're completely right, I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. I apologize. (Walking out, but quickly turning around) Well, it's just that, I really am going to buy every magazine that features naked pictures. I don't care if those pictures are of naked women or naked men or even naked men and women together. If the store sells it, I'm going to buy it! Anyway, I really should get going. (Walking out again, but turning around!) Oh, but there's just one more question. You don't happen to know where I can get some good masking tape, do you?
Management: Mr. Fool, seriously, I need to get going.
Thinking Fool: Well, you see, the reason I ask about the tape is that I'm planning to tear out all of the naked pictures from the magazines so I can tape them to the walls in my apartment. By the time I'm finished, you won't be able to close your eyes in my apartment and not see porn. (Walking out, but quickly turning around!) You know, in thinking about this, I'm not so certain that people who see my apartment are going to be real eager to rent it. (Pausing, satisfied with his performance!) Anyway, I've wasted enough of your time. . . . I'm truly sorry. If you need anything from the store, just let me know. I'm planning to leave in about fifteen minutes.
Management: We might be able to come down on our initial price a little bit.
Thinking Fool: You don't say?
If somebody successfully tries the above approach, maybe we can get it in the next edition of Getting to Yes!
January 26, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume VII
My coworkers and I didn't attend the recent "Sensitivity in the Workplace" classes because we figured there was really no point. After all, we're a pretty sensitive bunch already, don't you think?
Coworker #1: (To me via instant message) Let me know what you think about this email that I plan to send out. “Hello, all. In accordance with our policy of making the office work more smoothly, I request that certain people not talk to me again. These people are as follows: [The Boss’ Secretary]. That is all. Have a nice weekend.”
Thinking Fool: Seems fine to me. Send away.
Yet another reason to love the coworkers! (Click on the numbers if you'd like to know reasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.)
Posted by fool at 12:08 AMJanuary 25, 2006
Why the NCAA Will Never Hire Me
Recently at a very boring women’s college basketball game, I leaned over to one of the university’s athletic department employees and offered what I thought was a pretty good suggestion.
Thinking Fool: You know, there aren’t that many people at this game. Maybe to make things a little more exciting, you should implement a new promotion.
Athletic Department Employee: What do you have in mind?
Thinking Fool: Well, sometime in the second half, the public address announcer should read an announcement that goes something like this: “Congratulations to #44 from [Visiting School’s name]. You are the Victoria’s Secret Hottest Woman on the Court. You and a lucky fan will receive a $50 gift certificate from Victoria’s Secret. [Home University’s name] would like to thank our friends at Victoria’s Secret for helping us recognize the Hottest Woman on the Court.”
Athletic Department Employee: (Extremely sarcastically) Yeah, I’m sure the NCAA would have absolutely NO problems with that.
Thinking Fool: Well, if you’re worried about Title IX issues, just make sure you have a similar promotion at the men’s games.
Universities, I’m available.
Posted by fool at 12:34 AM | Comments (2)January 24, 2006
Kobe Bryant, the Thinking Fool Congratulates You!
The Thinking Fool would like to take this opportunity to congratulate horrible human being Kobe Bryant for a remarkable Sunday.
Not only did Kobe score 81 points on Sunday, the second most points ever scored in an NBA game, Kobe also... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?... he also managed NOT to rape any women on Sunday. That's right! Bryant didn't force himself on any women (that we know of) over the weekend! If you ask me, that's quite the double feat for the Kobester!
Kobe is making great strides and should be commended for his improvement as a human being. (Note to idiots, I am being sarcastic.)
Congratulations, Kobe Bryant! You are the Thinking Fool’s Horrible Human Being of the Week!
January 23, 2006
WDJT - What Does Jefferson Think? (Arm Bands Coming Soon)
Instead of scratching their heads trying to figure out what the founding fathers intended when they wrote the Constitution, don’t you think it’d be more practical, not to mention entertaining, if the Supreme Court just added John Edward (or any other famous psychic) to the payroll? Think about it. Every time there was a question of legislative intent, Edward could "cross over" to the world of the dead, channel the founding fathers, and help the Supreme Nine figure things out.
Chief Justice Roberts
: Do you think you can tell us what they meant by “Cruel and Unusual?”
John Edward
: I’m sensing a T... and a... what looks like an X... NO! Not an X.... It’s a J.... Yes, it’s definitely a J.... I’m also getting the impression that this person lived in the South.... Hmm, yes, yes! Definitely! He lived in the South.... Something’s telling me that he enjoyed having sex with slaves.... In fact, I think he might have gotten one pregnant.... He also enjoys inventing things.... Umm, right now, he’s working on a new invention.... It’s going to be a cross between a typewriter and-
Justice Scalia
: FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CAN YOU GET ON WITH IT?!?! You’re talking to Thomas Jefferson, you fuckin moron! We don’t need to know whether he wipes his ass or what invention he's currently cooking up in the afterlife. Just tell us whether the bastard thinks strapping a crazy person in the electric chair really is cruel and unusual.
(Turning to the Chief Justice) You know, this fucker wastes more of our time than Ginsburg and Souter combined. We CAN’T get rid of them. We CAN get rid of him.
Put some cameras in the courtroom while this is all going down and dare I say, it’s a television hit in the making!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (2)January 20, 2006
Fun at Work: This Stuff Doesn't Happen at My Office (Not to my knowledge at least)
Earlier this week, a friend sent me the following text message:
I have something to brag about regarding certain activities recently engaged in within the physical confines of my office. Don’t tell anyone. {evil grin}
Anyone want to guess what “certain activities recently engaged in within the physical confines of my office” means? My hunch tells me “knitting,” but that's actually kind of strange because I really can't picture my friend as a knitter. Nevertheless, if I learned anything from watching Beverly Hills Cop, it's that you should always go with your hunches. (Oh, and never get caught letting another man stick a banana up your tail pipe. That was a pretty critical part in the movie as well.)
Hmm, sex knitting at work... The only thing that sounds better than that is sex knitting in the library (preferably the one at my law school). I think I’ll go touch myself now.
January 19, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume VI (If I keep this up, someone's going to have to buy me a guide to Roman Numerals!)
When you read this, keep in mind that sometimes Coworker #1 refers to the Boss’ Secretary as “The Wrath.”
Thinking Fool: (Via instant message to Coworker #1) One of my favorite moments at this job was when the office manager came down to ask me something. After I answered her question, I held out some soap and a small candle. The office manager asked me what I was doing, and I replied, “Everybody who comes into my office gets to leave with something. So take your pick, would you like the soap or the candle?” She seemed quite surprised, but took the soap, thanked me, and went on her way.
Coworker #1: (Via instant message to me) Yeah, that was definitely good. When we destroy the Wrath’s life, that will also be a good moment.
Yet another reason to love the coworkers! (Click on the numbers if you'd like to know reasons 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.)
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)January 18, 2006
Suffering the Wrath from an Evil Woman – Thanks for Backing me up, Boss!
In college, I served as the editor of a local trucking company’s intra-office newsletter. It was a great part-time gig, especially for a college kid, and I made some pretty interesting friends, not to mention excellent cash! I also met some horrid human beings, including “Medusa,” the executive assistant to the company’s president. Medusa was the type of person who had the most insincere fake smile imaginable. You know the type. She was the type of person who would flash you a smile while she plunged an ice pick in the back of your skull. As I said, you know the type.
Medusa: (Tracking me down in the hallway) "Fool, I’m glad I found you. I’m very upset with you.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) Oh great. I’ve heard about this woman. Let the verbal sodomy session begin.
Medusa: “I want to know why you didn’t include a picture of [name of some lady] in the latest newsletter. You included a picture of a different employee, but not of [name of some lady].”
Thinking Fool: “Well, the picture you sent me of your friend was in a really weird format. It wasn’t a jpeg or gif or even a bmp. For whatever reason, the size of the file was enormous and our publishing program didn’t have enough memory to actually include the file in the document and still print it successfully. It literally stalled the printer. Since we were on deadline, I included a picture of a different employee, but if you’ll send me another picture in a better format, I’ll be happy to include your friend in the next issue.”
Medusa: (Peering into my eyes like she was looking into my soul) “I just think it’s absolutely horrible what you did. You should feel ashamed. This woman’s been with the company for thirty years and you didn’t even have the decency to include her in the company newsletter. I think that’s awful.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) How can a person be with a company for thirty years when the company has only existed for ten? (Saying) “Well, Medusa, it’s not that I didn’t feel she was worth mentioning. I just couldn’t get the picture to work.”
Medusa: “You should be ashamed. That’s all I have to say. I’m going to talk to the company president about this.”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) This lady's fucking crazy.I hope she doesn't try to kick me in my testicles.(Saying) “Ok. Well, as I said, if you have a correctly-formatted picture, I’ll be happy to include your friend in the next newsletter.”
Medusa: “No, it’s too late for that. I’ve said what I wanted to say.”
Thinking Fool: “Ok. Again I’m sorrythat you're such a wretched creature!"
About an hour later, I had my daily meeting with my boss, who was, without a doubt, the best boss I ever had and ever will have.
Thinking Fool: “Boss, Medusa chewed me out today for not including a picture of her friend in the latest newsletter. She said she’s going to talk to [the company president] about it.”
Thinking Fool’s Boss: “Fool, she's a total cunt. Don't worry about her."
Thinking Fool: “Umm, are you sure?"
Thinking Fool’s Boss: “I'm sure she's a cunt, and I'm sure you shouldn't worry about her. (Two second pause) Hey, have you seen any good movies lately? I'm thinking about seeing something this weekend."
What a boss!
Posted by fool at 12:35 AM | Comments (5)January 17, 2006
First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage - Oh, the hell with that Crap, Just let me get you Pregnant using this nice Turkey Baster!
*** Editor's Note *** To nobody's surprise, especially "thenon-nutsofriend," eBay removed "eBay Andrew's" auction. Fear not, readers! I fixed the link to take you directly to his personal homepage! Cheers! - January 18, 2006 - 9:37 P.M. EST
Any physically fit, preferably white women “capable of a very high GPA at a very good college” want to get pregnant the old-fashioned way? And by "old-fashioned way," I mean meeting a guy through eBay, talking to him over the phone a few times, maybe even meeting him in person, and then getting down to business, i.e. having a medical professional artificially inseminate you with your future children's father's semen! If this sounds like your cup of tea, there are two things you should know. First, eBay Andrew might be the guy for you. Second, you're an idiot!
Obviously, Andrew is headed straight to my list of people who should never procreate. And yes, it troubles me that I feel compelled to add Andrew to the list of people who should never procreate when his sole reason for being on the list is his strong desire to procreate. (If nothing else, at least the guy could actually want to have sex with the future mother of his children.) By the way, if you want to procreate with Andrew, consider yourself added to the list as well. I'm going to go pound my head into a wall.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (4)January 13, 2006
Waiting to Get Married: Idiot Style
From Wednesday’s Express...
Bengals fans waited 15 years for their team to return to the playoffs, finally seeing the drought end with Sunday’s game against the Steelers. But one couple waited all those years for something else.... Sandy and Jim Reed’s first date was the Bengals previous playoff game, in 1991. Years ago, they decided they’d let fate decide when they would be married, agreeing to tie the knot the next time the Bengals were in the playoffs. On Sunday – 15 years after their first date – they finally held their ceremony in the stadium parking lot with fellow fans two hours before the game. Guests at the wedding sang the Bengals’ fight song.
Add Sandy and Jim Reed to the list of people who should never procreate.
Posted by fool at 12:03 AM | Comments (5)January 12, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume V
The boss’ secretary recently managed to fall down a flight of stairs and kick her family’s dog in the process. We can't confirm whether alcohol was involved, but we definitely know that the dog ended up losing some of its teeth. Naturally, this became the topic of conversation the other day.
Coworker #2: After all the ill will we’ve hoped for, don’t you guys feel kind of bad about what happened?
Coworker #1: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! That’s an absolutely HORRIBLE thing to say! We NEVER wished ANY ill will on that dog.
One more reason to love my coworkers! (Click on the numbers if you'd like to know reasons 1, 2, 3, and 4).
January 11, 2006
Marion Barry Gets Robbed and Reinforces my Belief that We Never Want Liberals in Charge of the Criminal Justice System
Last week, former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry gave some young thugs money to help him bring in his groceries. About ten minutes later, the delinquents returned to the apartment and robbed Barry at gunpoint.
Nice kids, huh?
Hiz honna’s response to the robbery is amazing.
“I don’t want these kids to be punished. I want to try to help them.”
Excuse me while I gag harder than Lindsay Lohan on a dinner date with Shaq! (You do realize there are two reasons why she could be gagging, right?) The only help these guys should receive is hearing the clank of their prison cell doors shutting for the first time. If that doesn’t rehabilitate them, nothing will.
I’ve got a newsflash for all the bleeding hearts out there. If a teenager is committing armed robberies to make a little extra cash, the odds of this person becoming a productive member of society are about as good as the odds of Kobe Bryant writing a New York Times bestselling book entitled, “How to Treat Women (with a Foreword by Ted Bundy).”
Just to remind all interested parties, D.C. is the place where citizens elected Barry to a fourth mayoral term even after he got caught on videotape smoking crack cocaine with a woman at a local hotel and did six months in the joint as a result! Oh, but lest we forget, “The bitch set [him] up!”
Note to Congressmen: Let’s not grant D.C. voting rights in Congress anytime soon ever! Oh, and while I'm at it, any chance that half of you could just stop taking bribes? Try it for a year. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back.
January 10, 2006
In Honor of His Birthday, My Favorite Papa Fool Story!
In honor of his birthday, I'd like to share my all-time favorite Papa Fool story. Yes, I like this one even more than Papa Fool's interaction with a nasty Little League parent, his recent confrontation with the Vegas cab driver, and his ability to get me my drink before it melts. Without further ado...
Picture it, Pinetop, Arizona, July 1993, 9:00 p.m. Two 15-year-old males enter the Lion’s Den, a local bar/restaurant, which happens to serve amazing cheeseburgers. They want to order cheeseburgers and fries to go. After standing at the edge of the bar for nearly three minutes, the female bartender, a woman who wouldn’t know what a pedicure was if you bought her one, finally acknowledges one of the boys.
Bartender: (Sternly) May I help you, young man?
Thinking Fool: Yes, may I order two cheeseburgers and two orders of fries to go?
Bartender: How old are you two?
Thinking Fool: Fifteen, ma’am.
Bartender: You’re not allowed to be in here at this time of night without an adult.
Thinking Fool: Oh, okay. I’m sorry.
The two young men leave the Lion’s Den and stroll about two hundred feet to a Circle K. For whatever reason, the pay phone is not charging to make local calls, so the Thinking Fool decides to use the yellow pages for the first and last time to track down the number for the Lion’s Den.
Bartender: Lion’s Den, may I help you?
Thinking Fool: Hi, may I please place an order to go?
Bartender: Is this the young man who was just in here?
Thinking Fool: Yes, it is.
Bartender: You can’t come in here, son.
Thinking Fool: I know, ma’am. My mom went to go drop off a movie and is going to be back in five minutes. She’ll be the one who picks up the food.
Bartender: Well, I don’t think so.
Thinking Fool: Fine. Forget it.
Fast forward about an hour. Papa Fool was driving back to Phoenix that evening and called to see how things were going. We told him about our attempt to secure food from the Lion’s Den. He decided it was time to make a call.
Bartender: Lion’s Den, may I help you?
Papa Fool: May I please speak to the manager.
Bartender: Well, Billy’s not here right now. Is there something I can do for ya?
Papa Fool: Ma’am, did two young men come into your establishment tonight to order food and did you refuse them service?
Bartender: Well, yes, but they were underage.
Papa Fool: I see. Did they proceed to make a telephone call to place a to-go order, and did you once again refuse them service?
Bartender: Well, yes, but I thought they were joking.
Papa Fool: Well, ma’am, they weren’t joking and one of those boys happens to be my son. My name is Red Jenkins and I work for the Food and Drug Administration. I want you to tell your owner to get all of his affairs in order because next week, my partner and I are coming up there, and we’re personally closing you down.
Bartender: Well, wait a minute, I-
Papa Fool: Ma’am, don’t argue with me. My name is Red Jenkins. I work for the Food and Drug Administration. Next week, I’m coming up there, and I’m closing you down.
Nothing like making the small-town folks sweat for a few days.
Happy birthday, Papa Fool!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (3)January 09, 2006
A Letter that Really Didn’t Need to be Sent
Over Christmas, I was rummaging through some stuff at my parents' house when I stumbled across a letter that still makes me laugh to this day! I don't know what genius decided to send me this, but clearly that person is a complete and total moron. I guess it could have been worse. They could have written a letter congratulating me on finishing dead last!
Click the picture to make the letter bigger if you’d like to see what the hell I’m talking about. I've added some special commentary on the letter itself!
January 06, 2006
Connie, Maury, Too Much Sex, and a Dumb President at MSNBC
Starting tomorrow, Maury Povich and Connie Chung, husband and wife since 1984, will team up to host a weekend show on MSNBC, the network that NBC and Microsoft desperately wish they had aborted before it was born. When announcing the new program, Rick Kaplan, the morbidly obese president of MSNBC, said, “Connie Chung and Maury Povich are two of the most extraordinary talents in television and we are absolutely thrilled to have them at MSNBC.”
A person would have to be simultaneously high on crack and heroin to describe Connie Chung and Maury Povich as “extraordinary talents on television.” “Connie and Maury” are to “extraordinary television talents” what “George and Dick” are to “extraordinary post-war planners.” It just ain’t so. But, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised given that Kaplan is the genius who brought Tucker Carlson to the MSNBC family. If you’ve never caught Tucker’s program, it blows more than a Russian hooker in D-Troit.
Chung’s most recent television gig ended in 2003 when CNN kicked her to the curb and replaced her with the far more attractive, yet dreadfully boring Paula Zahn. For those of you who didn’t follow the story of Chung’s firing, let me provide some background. CNN fired Chung because Chung’s program was horrible. There’s your background.
Unfortunately and to my utter shock, Chung’s husband has been ON the air for a VERY long period of time. He hosts what is without a doubt may be the worst daytime talk show in the history of television.
Although I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it, one day last summer, I touched myself several times thinking about a midget watched nearly an entire Maury episode. This particular show's topic was something like, "We're going to help determine whether this man is your baby's father!" In other words, several guests had that often difficult-to-answer question: “Who the fuck’s my baby’s daddy?”
I don’t want to start a culture war, but let’s clear something up right now. If you don’t have a VERY good idea of who impregnated you, like, “Oh, it’s either X or Y or maybe even Z because I was super drunk that one night,” you are a complete slut and should have your tubes tied tomorrow to ensure that you won’t have your seventh child this year; are you listening, Amber Frey? it’s probably time for you to start evaluating some of your life choices, i.e. to accidentally drive off a cliff before you spread more disease than a rat in fourteenth-century Europe. Please note, if you are a Victoria’s Secret model, nothing derogatory written on this blog, no matter how applicable it might seem to you, EVER actually applies to you.
Some of the “women” on Maury’s show actually managed to have sexual intercourse with a dozen “men” in three weeks. In the spirit of Lean On Me Principal Joe Clark, “That’s a DOZEN COCKS in THREE WEEKS! And not one of these bastards can sing our school song! NOT ONE OF THEM!” (If you haven't seen Lean on Me, you should.)
Does this strike anyone besides me as being a few dicks too many? I mean, eleven is obviously understandable, but TWELVE? Unless you’re a prostitute, urologist, or circus performer, twelve tallywhackers over a three-week period of time is simply too many tallywhackers.
That certainly doesn’t excuse the sorry degenerates who put their members in these women. Seller’s market or not, if you’re a guy and stick your thing in a vile creature that has had eleven other things exploring its inner confines within the last twenty days, you’ve got more problems than a Japanese Jew in Tehran.
Clearly, anybody who has ever appeared on Maury’s show, including Maury himself, should be added to the list of people who are banned from procreating.
Maury is a man who has pretty much devoted the last decade of his life to hosting a program that is dreadfully horrible while his wife has failed in job after job after getting the boot from CBS. Nevertheless, MSNBC President Rick Kaplan thinks these two people are going to be the next great thing in cable news?
Excuse me for a second while I call the Smiling Jew to tell him that I’m going to throw up.
****UPDATE, Saturday, January 7, 2006 - Noon: I just watched the premier episode of Connie and Maury's new show. It's absolutely hideously dreadful. Maury needs to stick with paternity tests and Connie needs to stick with doing whatever it is she does every day. Bring back Sharon Tay and MSNBC at the Movies!
Posted by fool at 01:18 AM | Comments (8)January 05, 2006
Adventures at Work: Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder Never Had it So Good
On Tuesday morning, my boss’ secretary realized that she had made a pretty poor choice about what to wear to work that day. She popped her head into Coworker #3’s office to vent to the only other female in our office.
Boss’ Secretary: “You know what I just realized, [Coworker #3]? You can see my bra through my shirt!”
Thinking Fool: (Thinking) “Someone just put a gun to my head right now and pull the trigger before she comes in here.”
Much to my dismay, yet not to my surprise, the boss’ secretary appeared in my office within a minute.
Boss’ Secretary: “[Thinking Fool], can you see my bra through this shirt?”
Thinking Fool: (Answering without looking) “No.”
Boss’ Secretary: “Are you sure?”
Thinking Fool: (Answering without looking) “Positive.”
Boss’ Secretary: “You're not even really looking.”
I never realized there were actually benefits to being blind.
Posted by fool at 12:05 AM | Comments (6)January 04, 2006
"All Aboard!" - I Should have ponied up the cash for Amtrak: The Story
Securing a free ride from BWI to DC at 10:30 on a Monday night is not an easy task. After Monday night's experience, I'm not certain it's a task worth pursuing in the future.
Much to his credit, the Smiling Jew agreed to pick me up at BWI airport on Monday night. For those of you who don’t live in the Washington D.C. metro area, BWI is to Reagan National what Frederick’s of Hollywood is to Victoria’s Secret, i.e., it’s simply inferior in all aspects, except price!
It was 10:33 when I entered the Smiling Jew’s car. I thanked him profusely for making the trek from Cleveland Park to the purgatory of airports. After all, only great friends will pick you up at BWI, especially late at night, and your eternal thanks should be showered upon them.
The first twenty minutes of our drive were pretty uneventful. The Smiling Jew served as my personal Chris Berman and Brian Williams, catching me up on the day's news and sports scores.
Then, the smell of trouble started to permeate the air.
“I don’t feel that well.”
I didn't think much of those words at the time, but within five minutes, the Smiling Jew had gone from telling me that he would never eat at California Tortilla Factory because he had a stomach ache to, are you ready for this? Throwing up in one hand while steering the car with the other! 
Even Chunk couldn't make this up!
I don’t know about you, but before Monday, I had never been a passenger in a vehicle where the driver violently vomited WHILE driving the vehicle. That takes a tremendous amount of focus! Bless his heart, the Smiling Jew attempted to use his hand as a container for his vomit, but needless to say, after the first hurl, that worked about as well as the prosecutors in the O.J. Simpson trial.
Even though we eventually pulled over at RFK stadium (and somehow avoided being murdered), the driver’s side of the Smiling Jew’s car pretty much looked like a throw-up storm had passed through town while his windows remained wide open.
I drove us home from there.
Perhaps I should take the train next time.
Posted by fool at 01:09 AM | Comments (4)January 03, 2006
"All Aboard!" - I Should have ponied up the cash for Amtrak: A Preview
Getting a free ride from BWI airport to DC at 10:30 on a Monday night is not an easy task. Quite frankly, after last night's experience, I'm not certain it's a task I will pursue in the future. Details tomorrow...
If anyone needs me, I'll be in the shower for about six hours.
Posted by fool at 12:09 AM | Comments (1)