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January 06, 2006

Connie, Maury, Too Much Sex, and a Dumb President at MSNBC

Starting tomorrow, Maury Povich and Connie Chung, husband and wife since 1984, will team up to host a weekend show on MSNBC, the network that NBC and Microsoft desperately wish they had aborted before it was born. When announcing the new program, Rick Kaplan, the morbidly obese president of MSNBC, said, “Connie Chung and Maury Povich are two of the most extraordinary talents in television and we are absolutely thrilled to have them at MSNBC.”

A person would have to be simultaneously high on crack and heroin to describe Connie Chung and Maury Povich as “extraordinary talents on television.” “Connie and Maury” are to “extraordinary television talents” what “George and Dick” are to “extraordinary post-war planners.” It just ain’t so. But, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised given that Kaplan is the genius who brought Tucker Carlson to the MSNBC family. If you’ve never caught Tucker’s program, it blows more than a Russian hooker in D-Troit.

Chung’s most recent television gig ended in 2003 when CNN kicked her to the curb and replaced her with the far more attractive, yet dreadfully boring Paula Zahn. For those of you who didn’t follow the story of Chung’s firing, let me provide some background. CNN fired Chung because Chung’s program was horrible. There’s your background.

Unfortunately and to my utter shock, Chung’s husband has been ON the air for a VERY long period of time. He hosts what is without a doubt may be the worst daytime talk show in the history of television.

Although I’m slightly embarrassed to admit it, one day last summer, I touched myself several times thinking about a midget watched nearly an entire Maury episode. This particular show's topic was something like, "We're going to help determine whether this man is your baby's father!" In other words, several guests had that often difficult-to-answer question: “Who the fuck’s my baby’s daddy?”

I don’t want to start a culture war, but let’s clear something up right now. If you don’t have a VERY good idea of who impregnated you, like, “Oh, it’s either X or Y or maybe even Z because I was super drunk that one night,” you are a complete slut and should have your tubes tied tomorrow to ensure that you won’t have your seventh child this year; are you listening, Amber Frey? it’s probably time for you to start evaluating some of your life choices, i.e. to accidentally drive off a cliff before you spread more disease than a rat in fourteenth-century Europe. Please note, if you are a Victoria’s Secret model, nothing derogatory written on this blog, no matter how applicable it might seem to you, EVER actually applies to you.

Some of the “women” on Maury’s show actually managed to have sexual intercourse with a dozen “men” in three weeks. In the spirit of Lean On Me Principal Joe Clark, “That’s a DOZEN COCKS in THREE WEEKS! And not one of these bastards can sing our school song! NOT ONE OF THEM!” (If you haven't seen Lean on Me, you should.)

Does this strike anyone besides me as being a few dicks too many? I mean, eleven is obviously understandable, but TWELVE? Unless you’re a prostitute, urologist, or circus performer, twelve tallywhackers over a three-week period of time is simply too many tallywhackers.

That certainly doesn’t excuse the sorry degenerates who put their members in these women. Seller’s market or not, if you’re a guy and stick your thing in a vile creature that has had eleven other things exploring its inner confines within the last twenty days, you’ve got more problems than a Japanese Jew in Tehran.

Clearly, anybody who has ever appeared on Maury’s show, including Maury himself, should be added to the list of people who are banned from procreating.

Maury is a man who has pretty much devoted the last decade of his life to hosting a program that is dreadfully horrible while his wife has failed in job after job after getting the boot from CBS. Nevertheless, MSNBC President Rick Kaplan thinks these two people are going to be the next great thing in cable news?

Excuse me for a second while I call the Smiling Jew to tell him that I’m going to throw up.

****UPDATE, Saturday, January 7, 2006 - Noon: I just watched the premier episode of Connie and Maury's new show. It's absolutely hideously dreadful. Maury needs to stick with paternity tests and Connie needs to stick with doing whatever it is she does every day. Bring back Sharon Tay and MSNBC at the Movies!

Posted by fool on January 6, 2006 01:18 AM

Comments

Posted by: Heimhenge at January 6, 2006 01:04 AM

Posted by: Fool at January 6, 2006 01:15 AM

Posted by: Finished.Law.School at January 6, 2006 10:56 AM

Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at January 6, 2006 06:08 PM

Posted by: The BLS at January 6, 2006 07:26 PM

Posted by: Conway Caine at February 4, 2006 01:13 PM

Posted by: Fool at February 5, 2006 01:48 PM

Posted by: loraine brown at April 9, 2006 02:14 PM