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January 30, 2006
Why the NCAA Will Never Hire Me: Volume II
Over the weekend, I happened to attend another women’s college basketball game. (For the record, I get paid to attend these things. It’s not like I wake up on a Saturday morning and think, “Today, I could go watch women’s college basketball, relax in my apartment and do nothing, OR stab myself in the eye with a pencil! Hmm, I think I’ll go watch some basketball.") As you might recall, my first idea for a new promotion fell on ears deafer than Helen Keller, Ludwig van Beethoven, and that lady who was on ER (and who always seems to sign the National Anthem at Super Bowls) combined! (That’s pretty damn deaf.) Anyway, to my surprise, this promotion wasn’t received very well either.
Thinking Fool: (During a timeout, to an Athletic Department employee while the cheerleaders performed some stupid routine) Since you didn’t like my idea about the Victoria’s Secret promotion, I thought I’d come up with something else.
Athletic Department Employee: (Sarcastically) I can hardly wait.
Thinking Fool: What if you got Planned Parenthood to sponsor a contest in which two fans came to center court and had to guess the total number of abortions the cheerleading squad has had? You could apply Price is Right Rules, meaning the closest guess without going over would win. Plus, you could even-
Athletic Department Employee: Okay, you can stop now.
Thinking Fool: (Acting genuinely surprised) What? You don’t like it?
Athletic Department Employee: Yeah, somehow I don’t think that’s appropriate at this school.
Thinking Fool: Is this a Catholic university?
Athletic Department Employee: No.
Thinking Fool: Well, I see no problems then.
If you couple this promotion with the distribution of some Planned Parenthood flyers and maybe even throw in a few condom samples, maybe it's just me, but I think the student body starts attending more women’s basketball games.
As previously mentioned, universities, I am available.
Comments
What about Marlee Matlin? I've never seen something so lame: an actress who sells herself as "the deaf actress." I can understand midgets playing midgets (like the guy from The Love Boat and The Man With the Golden Gun, for instance), because I mean if you want to have a midget character in a movie he has to be played by a midget. BUT SOMEONE COULD FAKE BEING FUCKING DEAF. I fake being deaf every time some broad is nagging me. You think Russell Crowe could pull off playing a deaf character? I mean the guy played a schizophrenic genius Nobel Prize winner (and should have won the Oscar for it)... but NO if a deaf character is needed you HAVE to find someone who is actually deaf. Crowe couldn't pull that shit off. NO FUCKING WAY. Find a deaf guy, QUICK, and have him play the lead in a $125M motion picture. Fucking Hollywood.
Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at January 30, 2006 01:09 AM
