Thinking Fool

« Conversations at Work: Volume IX | Main | But Officer, I promise! We weren't going to have Sex with that Goat! »

February 17, 2006

A Pet Peeve: The Use of “I” and “Me” – Let's Use Some Cucumbers to Straighten this Out!

Since I’m trying to learn as much as I can in preparation for the bar exam, I feel like this is a good time to make you suffer too. Unlike the stuff I'm trying to learn, hopefully what's offered in this blog entry will be something that you'll actually remember for the rest of your life. It might not make you rich or even get you action in the sack, but rest assured, you'll be a better person for reading this entry. On the other hand, it's quite possible that you will not be a better person after reading this entry. Shall we continue?

This is the only post I’ll ever write about grammar (unless I decide to write another post about grammar in the future. Very committal of me, yes?). I realize this invites widespread mocking whenever I screw up a grammar rule or two, but that’s fine with me. In fact, let it be known right here and now that the Thinking Fool will never be upset if you post a comment or send an email (ThinkingFool at gmail dot com) pointing out a grammar/spelling error on the Thinking Fool’s site. With that stated, let the lesson begin.

“I” might be the most misused word in the English language. In fact, over the last decade, more and more people, from newscasters to politicians to bloggers to homeless people to midgets to TEACHERS (argh!), have jettisoned proper “I” usage in favor of blatantly wrong “over-usage.” (This irks me even more than the media’s insistence on adding “gate” to any scandal. See, e.g., Travelgate, Memogate, MonicaGivesThePrezAHummerGate. After all, the Watergate scandal was not a scandal about WATER. It was a scandal that involved breaking into a building that happened to be named WATERGATE! Thus, why the hell we add “gate” to every scandal is quite ridiculous. It’d be like calling the Nixon break-in Watergategate.)

The problem: People, especially “educated” ones, think “I” sounds “smarter” than “me.” People like to sound smart (unless they’re trying to convince a judge that they’re too dumb to be executed). See Atkins v. Virginia, 536 U.S. 304 (2002). Hence, when people have to make a decision as to which word to use, if any uncertainty exists in their minds, people are going to go with “I” over “me.” And why not, everyone else does it, right? Well, if everyone else was having sex with Victoria’s Secret models, would you do that too? Hmm, probably not the best hypothetical I could muster.

The example: “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and (I/me).” (What they want us to do with that cucumber is a complete mystery, but you know just how sick and twisted those old bastards are.)

Now, the correct answer is “me!” “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and me.” However, you know as well as I do that you hear several people say things like, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you and I.”

“I” is WRONG in that instance! Don’t use it like that! For the love of God, don’t do that!

If you find yourself confused or think you’re misusing “I” and “me,” don’t fret. After all, not only does the Baby Jesus still love you (even if you haven’t accepted him), your deficiency in this area is easily remedied.

Here’s a simple trick to help determine whether you should use “I” or “me.”

Just say the sentence without the other word.

“Just say the sentence without the other word? Huh?!?!?! Fool, you sound crazier than John Hinckley at a Jodie Foster book signing!”

Let me teach by showing, rather than by telling. (I always thought "showing" rather than "telling" was how my sexual health classes should have been taught, especially if I had any say on who was teaching the classes!)

Here’s an example.

If you’ve got a sentence like the above-mentioned one, simplify it by splitting it up into two sentences.

1. “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for you.”

2. “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for (I/me).”

In the second sentence, which word would you use, “I” or “me?” Well, obviously you know that saying “I” would make you sound like a communist from Russia. And because nobody wants to sound like a commie bastard, of course you’d say, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones bought a very long cucumber for me!” You’d never use “I” in that situation.

Right???

RIGHT!!!

So, why the hell would you use it simply because another word gets added to the sentence?

Correct response: You SHOULDN’T!

Let’s try another one.

“Sheila and (I/me) went to the store to buy a very long cucumber.”

Split the sentence up into two sentences.

1. “Sheila went to the store.”

2. “I went to the store” OR “Me went to the store.”

You know as well as I do that “Me” didn’t go anywhere, so “I” is correct. Thus, the sentence should read as follows: “Sheila and I went to the store to buy a very long cucumber.” (Sheila seems to be good friends with the Joneses, which scares me slightly.)

How bout this one?

”Our friends are going to invite you and (I/me) to a cucumber demonstration.” (I don’t know what the hell that means, but it sounds quite interesting.)

1. “Our friends are going to invite you to a cucumber demonstration.”

2. “Our friends are going to invite (I/me) to a cucumber demonstration.”

In this instance, our friends aren’t going to invite “I” anywhere. They’re going to invite “me!” Thus, “Our friends are going to invite you and me to a cucumber demonstration.” (Hopefully, Heidi Klum is one of our friends. Hell, she can even bring Seal if she wants.)

The same rules apply to the use of he/she/him/her.

”Ted really wants (he/him) and (she/her) to go to the party.”

1. “Ted really wants (he/him) to go to the party.”

2. “Ted really wants (she/her) to go to the party.”

Well, of course Ted wants HIM to go to the party. He also wants HER to go to the party. Thus, “Ted really wants him and her to go to the party.” (Hopefully he doesn’t plan to slip either of them a roofie.)

Finally, try this one.

(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda and (he/him). (Yoda might like that!)

1. “(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda.”

2. “(She/her) is going to beat the living crap out of (he/him).”

SHE is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda. (Little green bastard deserves it!) SHE is also going to beat the living crap out of HIM. Thus, SHE is going to beat the living crap out of Yoda and him!

Lesson over. Hope it was instructive for someone. For the rest of you bastards, have a nice weekend. And if you hate this post, take solace in the fact that the next six days of my life are going to blow more than...

a group of second graders at a chewing gum convention.

(What, were you expecting a different analogy?)

Posted by fool on February 17, 2006 12:09 AM

Comments

Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at March 4, 2006 02:51 AM