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February 09, 2006
An Open Letter from Jimmy Carter to the American Public
My fellow Americans,
I come to you today to admit something that I’ve never admitted before.
As you know and as I now admit, I was one of the worst presidents in the history of the United States. By any measure, America simply sucked while it was under my watch. In fact, it’d be an accurate statement to say that under my leadership, our fine nation sucked even more than my wife Rosalynn did after I confessed in a Playboy interview that I had impure thoughts about other women. I’ve never admitted this publicly, but after that article appeared, my lovely wife did everything she could to keep me thinking about her instead of, as she put it, “Those young, big-breasted, tan-legged, disease-spreading, hussy whores.” For a couple weeks, the non-stop blow jobs did the trick. They caused me to look at Rosalynn in a whole different light because, well, I don’t want to get too personal, but it had been a long time since she had used her mouth to play with this peanut farmer’s nuts and stick.
I want to apologize for that last paragraph. It was a digression that shouldn’t have been made, yet for some reason, I’ve decided to let the paragraph stand. Rosalynn, I apologize.
During my administration, America suffered high unemployment, high inflation, high interest rates, high gas prices, a hostage crisis in Iran, and numerous other things that made me a complete and total failure. Lest you misunderstand, I was not just a failure professionally, but also one personally. In other words, one of the reasons Rosalynn didn’t want to play with my nuts was because I hadn’t made her orgasm since our second wedding anniversary. Even then, my lovely wife later told me that she had been thinking about a film she had seen the night before that starred a young Ronald Reagan. My friends, I do not miss that man.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t fix any of our nation’s problems. The reason for this is simple. I don’t have even a slight understanding of how the world actually operates. Hell, I can’t even make my wife orgasm and Lord knows she’s given me plenty of opportunities to try.
Despite being utterly clueless, I’m sure you’ve noticed that I try to open my trap every opportunity I get. Even if I were a twenty-year-old gay man, I don’t think it’d be possible to open my mouth as much as I do. Do you remember when I cornered President Clinton and got him to let me negotiate with the North Koreans to keep them from developing nuclear weapons? As you know, the North Koreans now have nuclear weapons. This pretty much summarizes my abilities as a leader.
The only thing I’ve really been successful at is building homes for poor people. Aside from that, I’m pretty much a waste of carbon.
Recently, at the funeral for Coretta Scott King, Dr. Martin Luther King’s wife, I attacked President Bush even though it was a completely inappropriate occasion to do so. I simply cannot help myself.
That is one of the reasons why I agree with Don Imus, who used his radio program to describe me in the following manner: “Not only was [Carter] an awful president, he is an awful person. I don’t care how many Habitat homes he builds or what the hell he does. He’s an angry, petty, little schmuck. What a horrible human being.”
I AM a horrible human being.
And unfortunately, in more ways than one, I am a petty, little schmuck.
I am as bad an ex-president as I was a president. Hell, even Clinton and Bush Sr. get along with each other, yet both would rather sodomize a diseased goat than have a conversation with me. If I were them, I have to admit that I think I’d feel the same way.
To the late Coretta Scott King, I’m sorry for acting like an imbecile at your funeral. I’m even sorrier that you actually shook my hand and endorsed me for President of the United States. Without your support, I don’t think I would have ever gotten to live at the White House. There’s no doubt that an America without a Jimmy Carter Presidency in its history would be a much stronger America. May God forgive you for helping me get elected.
My fellow Americans, this will not be the last time you hear from me. I am like a bad case of herpes – I just keep coming back, especially when you don’t want to hear from me. Fortunately for you, like herpes, I eventually go away at death.
Yours truly,
Jimmy Carter
James Earl Carter, Jr.
39th United States President
P.S. – Rosalynn is so disgusted with me that she won’t even let me crawl on top of her if I promise to wear my Ronald Reagan mask.
P.P.S. - Pro-lifers, if my parents had aborted me, I never would have been president. Think about that for a few minutes.
Comments
That was hilarious, Fool. Nice work.
Posted by: jeh at February 9, 2006 09:34 AM
maybe public figures should have clauses in their wills stating that they do not wish their funerals to include a) a speech by jimmy carter, and b) a standing ovations.
Posted by: gator girl at February 9, 2006 02:21 PM
Gator Girl, you're on to something brilliant! The standard will should include a clause not allowing Jimmy Carter to attend a person's funeral. People would have to opt-out of this, but you know as well as I do, that nobody would!
jeh, gracias, amigo.
Posted by: Fool at February 9, 2006 11:50 PM
I was too young to remember Carter so this only makes a fraction of sense to me...
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at February 13, 2006 04:27 AM
Hmmm, you may have finally convinced me to check out Don Imus. I had no idea he was so perceptive. Oh, and to "Finished.Law.School".... study up on your recent history!!!! This man is still around trying to influence the world you live in... ignorance is no defense.
Posted by: Lo at February 16, 2006 12:10 PM
You should be VERY ashamed of yourself.
It takes a very low and ignorant person to make a mockery of one of our nation's finest.
You have no class.
Posted by: Jenna at January 16, 2007 07:37 PM
