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February 02, 2006

The Fool and the Karate Teacher: If Only I Knew Then What I Know Now

When I was seven, Mama Fool and Papa Fool thought it’d be a good idea if my brother, sister, and I took karate lessons. My brother was pretty good at it. I was not.

The studio where we took lessons was a karate/boxing combo operation. Thus, when we were trying to learn how to get out of a choke hold (a really practical thing for a seven-year-old to know), the boxing students were in a ring sparring with each other. Needless to say, I got distracted at times and actually watched the boxing students spar every once in awhile. This did not make my asshole teacher happy. He had two methods of communicating. Yelling and yelling harder. (Imagine the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket.)

Karate Teacher: FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
Thinking Fool: Those guys boxing.
Karate Teacher: YOU’RE HERE TO LEARN KARATE! DO YOU WANT TO BOX?
Thinking Fool: I don’t know.
Karate Teacher: BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO BOX, FOOL, I CAN ARRANGE FOR YOU TO BE PUT IN THAT RING RIGHT NOW AND YOU CAN FIGHT ONE OF THOSE BOXERS IN THERE!
Thinking Fool: They’re about five years older than I am, you moron; I may be young, but I’m not a complete idiot. By the way, is it necessary for you to yell ALL the time? Umm, no, I guess I don’t want to box.
Karate Teacher: THEN YOU BETTER START PAYING ATTENTION IF YOU WANT TO LEARN HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF.
Thinking Fool: You know what. I’m seven fucking years old, you asshole. Seven! I haven’t even fully reached the age of reason yet, so could you do me a favor and stop screaming at me like some sort of lunatic? How the fuck did you end up as a karate teacher anyway? Is that what you dreamed of doing with your life when you were growing up? And by the way, if you really think as a seven-year-old boy, I’m going to be able to defend myself against John Wayne Gacy and company using some stupid karate move that you’re going to show me, then you’re a complete idiot. Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll pay attention more.

There aren’t many moments in my life where I wish I had a rewind button. The interaction with the Karate Teacher was certainly one of them.

Posted by fool on February 2, 2006 12:18 AM

Comments

I tried karate when I was younger. I sucked at it as well. Damn that Daniel-son and his karate kid bullshit. I should have known it was all smoke and mirrors and hollywood mumbo jumbo.

I tried rugby when I was in college. I was much better at rugby than karate. At least until I fractured my clavicle...

Posted by: Finished.Law.School at February 2, 2006 11:17 AM

ok now i've wasted about an hour of my evening trying to catch up on this site...good job...lots of fun but i'm afraid of yet another distraction!

Posted by: bride-to-be at February 17, 2006 06:45 PM