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March 21, 2006

I Guess I'm Just the Latest Person Suing the Catholic Church

I've been thinking about suing the Catholic Church for quite some time. I've always been sort of embarassed, but I've finally done what needs to be done and put my thoughts into a complaint, which I plan to file soon. To view the actual complaint, click on the smaller version below. In the alternative, feel free to just keep reading.

THINKING FOOL,
Plaintiff,

v.

CATHOLIC CHURCH,
Defendant.

INTRODUCTION

1. Plaintiff THINKING FOOL attended a Catholic high school for four years.

2. While in high school, plaintiff befriended several priests.

3. Among other things, plaintiff went to movies, dinners, and lunches with said priests and remained in contact with them after graduating from high school.

4. At no time did any priest touch, attempt to touch, or even suggest that he’d like to touch plaintiff in an inappropriate way.

5. After reading about the massive abuses conducted by clergy throughout the world, plaintiff has spent numerous nights agonizing over the fact that no priest ever touched, attempted to touch, or expressed an interest in touching him.

6. No priest even tried to slip plaintiff a roofie despite having numerous opportunities to do so.

7. As a result of these actions, plaintiff has suffered severe emotional distress, including, but not limited to, a significant decrease in self-confidence.

CONCLUSION

8. WHEREFORE, plaintiff THINKING FOOL asks this Court to provide him with monetary relief to compensate him for the emotional damages he suffered when he was INTENTIONALLY NOT molested by any Catholic priests.

9. WHEREFORE, plaintiff THINKING FOOL also requests a written letter of apology from the Catholic Church for severe emotional damages suffered when no priest touched, attempted to touch, or suggested touching plaintiff in an inappropriate way.

# # #

Right now, I'm representing myself. However, if any attorneys are interested in representing me, I'm open to the idea. Obviously, I want to make these bastards pay.

Posted by fool on March 21, 2006 12:41 AM

Comments

Sick. But genius.

Posted by: thenambypamby at March 21, 2006 09:41 AM

Awesome. Regardless of your counsel, however, I worry that your ass is gonna get 12b6'ed out of any courtroom.

*shaking her head* I can't believe that you're going to sue the Catholic Church for NOT touching you. I may have to link this. :)

Posted by: The BLS at March 22, 2006 01:10 PM

Reminds me of the old joke ...

Diocesan Bulletin:

If you want to report being molested by a priest, call 800-123-4567.
If you want to be molested by a priest, call 900-123-4567.
The cash flow so far has been positive.

Posted by: Dan at March 23, 2006 05:32 PM

Ha! Hadn't heard about the old Diocesan Bulletin joke. That's awesome.

Posted by: Fool at March 23, 2006 11:37 PM