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March 01, 2006
The Law Student & Intramural Basketball: A Prick and Roll
Refereeing basketball games is something I’ve done off and on since college and unlike my current full-time job, it’s something I wish I could do on a daily basis. Thus, when an opportunity recently arose to referee some intramural basketball games, I jumped at the chance. (I didn’t literally jump, but if you needed clarification on that point, to quote Papa Fool, “You’re an idiot.”)
So there I was on Monday night refereeing an intramural basketball game between two law school teams. In other words, there were more egos in that gym than sexually transmitted diseases in Venice Beach.
In the middle of the second half, an offensive player drove to the lane and fell to the ground after a defender (Green Six) bumped into him. Thus, I blew my whistle, raised my arm to indicate that I was calling a foul, and told the scorer to charge a foul to “Green Six.” Sounds reasonable, yes? Well, not according to Green Six! That happened to be his fifth foul (meaning he was done for the game) and he was about as pleased with that fact as O.J. Simpson was when he tried to decapitate his ex-wife. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – how O.J. Simpson is still alive is absolutely bewildering to me.)
Green Six: (In a voice that even Helen Keller could hear) THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT! YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK!
Fortunately, unlike O.J., Green Six didn’t have a knife. Unfortunately, my partner was quicker than I was and assessed a technical foul before I could! (Yes, I’ll admit, calling technical fouls is part of the fun of refereeing.)
As Green Six threw his jersey to the ground and began walking off the court and out of the gym, he continued to express a rather strong dissatisfaction with the call.
Green Six: (Still in his Paul Bunyan voice) YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST FUCKING REFS I’VE EVER SEEN! YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK!
Bet you can’t guess what happened? Oh sure you can – technical foul #2, this time it came courtesy of the Thinking Fool!
When we administered the technical free throws (2 for each technical foul), one of the charming lad’s teammates seemed confused about why so many free throws were being shot. After all, it’s rare to see four free throws back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
Thinking Fool: Well, your teammate got his first technical for dropping the F-bomb. And then he got his second one for asking me to suck his dick. This may come as a surprise to all of you, but I don’t want to suck his dick.
I can’t speak on behalf of my refereeing partner, but I’m pretty sure he also had no interest in performing fellatio on Green Six. Maybe he’ll give us another opportunity at a future game.
Comments
You are the worst ref ever, you fouled me out of a game for punching rong, that's not a foul.
Want to ref a game between georgetown and gw's jew groups? We can pay you with pretty much free range to offend as many people as possible.
Posted by: fat jew at March 1, 2006 02:32 AM
I never got to come watch you ref a game, which I think (as apathetic as I am towards basketball and as much as I despise most involvement with it) would have been fun to do. Maybe you should come to NY and start doing this at NYU's law school. It would probably be even more of a trip.
Posted by: jeh at March 1, 2006 09:42 AM
I hope you're a better ref than you were as an intramural commissioner. In high school you let friends of members of one of the competing teams ref the games so they ended up being real fair & impartial. If you think this comment is not sarcastic have papa fool smack you in the head.
Posted by: anonymous high schoolmate at March 2, 2006 02:11 PM
I was wondering if you could please tell me who your best-ever officiating partner was, and also your feelings about the "offensive player out of control" doctrine.
Posted by: Oregon Tillamook at March 4, 2006 02:48 AM
I refereed with a guy in law school. He was pretty good. I don't call offensive fouls unless the offensive player spits in the defender's face AND shoes the defender in the nuts.
Posted by: Fool at March 5, 2006 12:51 AM
