« What's on Tap for Manana | Main | Random Thoughts on Easter Weekend – First Britney, Then Passover, and If You have Time, Some Quick Tips about Hollywood’s Latest Crop of Films »
April 13, 2006
One Female Prank Caller + Kobe Bryant + Mike Tyson = A Cautionary Tale
Remember when you were a kid and your mom caught you trying to set the neighbor’s house on fire? How did you feel and what did you do? You felt terrified and you APOLOGIZED profusely, that’s what! (If you were aware of the three traits that serial killers have in common as children, you also insisted that you no longer wet your bed and were never cruel to animals). Apparently a lot has changed since the time when I was a kid.
Over the weekend, a Buffalo teenage girl admitted making roughly 1,000 bogus 911 calls from her cell phone. Cue Lean On Me Principal Joe Clark’s angry voice.
“That’s ONE THOUSAND phony 9-1-1 calls that this young woman made. You know what that means? Do you? Do you, folks? That means that this young tramp can probably HARDLY READ!” (Well, it doesn’t necessarily mean that, but is there a better-delivered line from any movie than Morgan Freeman’s verbal caning of the faculty in Lean On Me?)
Kids are stupid and make mistakes. There’s no denying that. However, part of growing up is actually learning from one’s mistakes, not just shrugging your shoulders and not giving a damn. Unfortunately, this young woman doesn’t appear to give a damn. To the contrary, after being caught making the prank calls - one lasted an hour - she disrespected police and actually told them that she was going to keep making bogus 911 calls regardless of what happened to her. To quote GE Friend, "Ummmmm!?!?!?"
With this young woman's circumstances in mind, I offer you The Thinking Fool’s Updated Version of the Famous Tale about Not Crying Wolf starring the Female Teenage Prank Caller with Cameo Appearances by Kobe Bryant and Mike Tyson.
BUFFALO, NEW YORK. April 13, 2006. 5:23 p.m.
911 Operator: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hi, I need someone to come help me. I’m really in trouble.
911 Operator: What's the matter, hon?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: My cat chased a bird up a tree and I went up to get him, but I fell and my arm really hurts.
911 Operator: Your number is showing up as a cell phone. Can you give me your address so I can send an ambulance?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hahahaha! I fooled you again; it’s me! You’re like so stupid.
911 Operator: Young woman, you should NOT mess around with the 9-1-1 system. One day, it’s going to haunt you.
BUFFALO, NEW YORK. April 14, 2006. 4:30 p.m.
911 Operator: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hi, I’m really scared. Can you help me?
911 Operator: What's the matter?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: I was accidentally playing with some matches and I ended up lighting the string of my tampon on fire and I can’t put the fire out.
911 Operator: OH MY! Give me your address so I can send help.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hahahaha! It’s me again. You’re so stupid. That’s the 999th time I’ve tricked you!
911 Operator: Young lady, I don’t know why you continue to do this, but you’re going to end up regretting it.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Whatever! Like you’re lame and probably are fat and ugly too! Hahahaha!
BUFFALO, NEW YORK. April 21, 2006. 11:08 a.m. A local hotel where famous athletes are staying to recuperate from sports injuries and to judge the local beauty pageant.
Hotel Room Service Operator: Room service, may I help you?
Kobe Bryant: Yeah!
Hotel Room Service Operator: What can I get for you, Mr. Bryant?
Kobe Bryant: How bout a hot young blonde who likes to bend over chairs.
Hotel Room Service Operator: Okay, Mr. Bryant. That wasn’t funny the first time you said it, the second time you said it, or the seventh time you said it. And it’s certainly not any funnier now. Do you want any food?
Kobe Bryant: Haha! No, I’m good. Look, you all need to lighten up around here. None of those Colorado charges stuck. In fact, the only thing from that time that stuck was my pecker when I accidentally put it in a tub of rubber cement. Haha!
Hotel Room Service Operator: Goodbye, Mr. Bryant.
Kobe Bryant: Bye.
The Same Day. 1:24 p.m.
Hotel Concierge: This is the hotel concierge, Brian speaking. How may I help you?
Mike Tyson: Oh hi. This is Mike Tyson in the penthouse. I know this is an odd request, but do you know if there’s a local store that sells unicorns?
Hotel Concierge: Geeze, I don’t know, Mr. Tyson. I can certainly check. Do you have a particular size in mind?
Mike Tyson: Oh, not really. Just the normal size, I guess.
Hotel Concierge: Hmm, okay. Well, this is certainly an odd request, but I can do my best to track down some information and get back to you if that’s alright. May I ask if you’re thinking a stuffed animal or a ceramic figure or something else?
Mike Tyson: Sir, let me be very specific. I don’t want a make-believe unicorn. Nothing stuffed or ceramic or drawn. I want a living one. Do you understand?
Hotel Concierge: Very well, Mr. Tyson. Let me see what I can track down for you. (Click) (To other concierge) This guy’s fucking crazier than Darren Daulton and David Koresh combined.
The Same Day. The Hallway of the Top Floor. 11:22 p.m.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: I never thought I’d be able to get to the top floor of this hotel without a room key. WOW! Look at that. The penthouse door is open. I’ve got to see what’s inside. HOLY COW! It’s so beautiful. I’m so glad I came up here. I’m also glad I started taking medication that makes me say everything I think out loud even when I’m by myself like now!
The Same Day. The Pool. 11:23 p.m.
Kobe Bryant: Well, I’ll be a non-rapist in Colorado if that isn’t Mike Tyson. HEY MIKE! Over here!
Mike Tyson: Kobe Bryant, why the hell are you here?
Kobe Bryant: Ah, I had to get some work done on my knee. You know, I’ve got to stay in top condition to make sure my team stays in seventh place in the Western Conference. Last time we didn’t make the playoffs, it was largely my fault, and I ended up getting accused of rape! I’m not going to let that happen again.
Mike Tyson: You’re not going to allow yourself to get accused of rape again?
Kobe Bryant: No, I’m not going to allow myself to miss the playoffs again, you knucklehead.
Mike Tyson: Hey, Kobe, do you want to come up to my penthouse with me. I ordered a unicorn earlier today, and I told them to just deliver it to my room when it got in.
Kobe Bryant: You bet I do! And, if we’re lucky, we can even order some room service! They love me down there! But that’s not a surprise; everybody loves me!
The Same Day. The Penthouse. 11:27 p.m.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Wow, I wonder why nobody’s using this room. It’s so nice up here. I sure am glad that I dyed my hair blonde earlier today. I look just like that girl from Colorado that Kobe Bryant tried to rape. Hahahaha, I heard Kobe Bryant’s in town. That gives me an idea.
911 Operator: 9-1-1, What is your emergency?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hi, I really need your help. I’m stranded in a hotel room with Kobe Bryant and I think he’s going to do things to me.
911 Operator: Okay, just calm down. Tell me what hotel you’re at and I’ll send police right over.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: Hahahaha! I tricked you again, stupid! Hahahaha!
The Same Day. The Hallway of the Top Floor. 11:28 p.m.
Kobe Bryant: Damn, Mike. Why’d you make me hobble up all those stairs? We should have just taken the elevator.
Mike Tyson: Oh quit your whining, you pansy. Real men don’t take elevators.
Kobe Bryant: Well, don’t forget I’ve got a bad knee. Of course, that wouldn’t keep me from wanting to have a little Colorado fun if you know what I mean.
The Same Day. The Penthouse. 11:29 p.m.
Female Teenage Prank Caller: I can’t believe how stupid that lady at 9-1-1 is. She’ll fall for anything! I’m just going to see what’s in the mini-b... What the hell?
Mike Tyson: Holy bejesus! Look what we have here!
Kobe Bryant: (Smiling Wickedly) It’s a lovely young lady! Wow, you look like you should live in Colorado. (Dead-bolting door.)
Mike Tyson: I am so fucking pissed off. I expected to come up here and see a unicorn. But what do I see instead? A young beautiful woman!!! Someone must have said a spell and turned my unicorn into a woman! This is just unbelievably irritating. I’m madder now than I was in prison after I got convicted of raping a woman who was voluntarily in my hotel room.
911 Operator: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Female Teenage Prank Caller: I really am trapped in a hotel room with Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant. Please, please, please! I need your help!!!!
911 Operator: Well, you just enjoy yourself, Ms. Liar. (Click.)
FADE TO BLACK.
ROLL CREDITS.
THE END.
Comments
i want a unicorn
Posted by: ballsdeep at April 13, 2006 09:33 AM
For all the build up from yesterday, I am left unsatisfied. Let's hear more stories from your dad or stuff about the ex-brother in-law.
Posted by: poolorapond at April 13, 2006 11:21 AM
Check out this story on CNN. A boy called 911 after his mother collapsed and the operator scolded the boy thinking that the call was a prank. The boy called back two hours later and by the time help arrived, his mother had died.
Isn't that *#&@! up?
Posted by: foobar at April 13, 2006 12:26 PM
Ballsdeep, I want a unicorn too.
Poolorapond, I leave a lot of people unsatisfied. It's what I'm good at.
Foobar, I read that story last week. From what I gleaned, it doesn't sound like the mom would have made it. BUT, it's nice to know that Detroit is doing everything it can to embrace its reputation as one of America's worst cities.
Posted by: Fool at April 14, 2006 04:25 AM
I have nothing witty to say here, but I wanted you to know that I was impressed with your very intricate story. Extremely well done.
Posted by: Neel Mehta at April 15, 2006 02:45 AM
Thanks, Neel. Positive feedback is a good thing.
Posted by: Fool at April 15, 2006 12:11 PM
