« And Justice for All... or at least ONE! | Main | Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: The Conversation that I Wish Had Happened »
April 05, 2006
In the Spirit of Tax Season, How Not to Deal with the IRS - A Case Study: Satellite Guy v. Internal Revenue Service
Papa Fool enjoys watching sports even more than Michael Jackson enjoys playing “Priests and Altar Boys.” (Don't you think Milton Bradley could make a fortune if it'd develop such a board game?) Thus, for the last two decades, the family room of the Fool residence has looked more like a mini-version of the ESPN Zone than something you’d expect to find in a suburban dwelling.
For years, “Satellite Guy” took care of all the household’s television needs. Now, he wasn't any ordinary satellite installer. To the contrary, Satellite Guy was an eccentric man as versed in Shakespeare and theater as he was in electronics and sports. He could discuss Jeffersonian democracies as easily as he could talk about Baywatch. In other words, he was incredibly fun to talk to. I'll never forget the day that he got off on a tangent about the IRS. It actually turned out to be the last time I ever talked to him.
Satellite Guy: You know, I got a deficiency notice from the IRS the other day, and it just made me so angry.
Thinking Fool: Why?
Satellite Guy: Well, because I’m a small business owner and I pay a lot of money in taxes, but these bastards, I swear, they just want to suck you for every penny you have. They think just because you own a business, you must be a millionaire! The other day, I got this letter that says I owe X amount more in taxes and that if I don’t pay it by such and such a date, I’m going to owe interest and penalties. It just totally pissed me off.
Thinking Fool: So what’d you do?
Satellite Guy: I did what every American who pays taxes should do. I took the form that they enclosed, wrote “Fuck You” across it, and mailed it back to them.
At this point, complete shock saturated my face. I mean, seriously. Who writes, “Fuck you” on a tax form and mails it to the IRS?
Thinking Fool: Umm, aren’t you scared they’re going to come after you?
Satellite Guy: Are you kidding? Look at this logically. I pay a lot of money in taxes each year. If they want to prosecute me, they’ll put me out of business. That’s money they’re going to lose in revenue each year, and instead, they’d have to actually pay to house me in prison. Now how do they win under that scenario?
As shocking as this may be, a few months later, Satellite Guy’s business phone was disconnected and he was nowhere to be found. My family thought we had heard the last of him, but several years later, my mom received a random phone call on her cell phone while she was working.
Mama Fool: Hello.
Satellite Guy: [Mama Fool], guess who this is.
Mama Fool: You know, I’m really busy at work right now. Can you just tell me?
Satellite Guy: It’s [Satellite Guy].
Mama Fool: [Satellite Guy], really? Wow!!! I didn’t expect to hear from you!
Satellite Guy: Why, what did you think happened to me?
Mama Fool: Honestly, I figured you were in jail.
Satellite Guy: Well, I’ve had to lay low for awhile.
Three years have passed since Satellite Guy called my mom. My brother and I still don’t know what “I’ve had to lay low for awhile” means. We just are certain that we don’t ever want to be in a position where we have to use that phrase to describe our current circumstances.
Comments
That guy is the working man's hero.
Posted by: The Attractive Nuisance at April 5, 2006 05:44 PM
Maybe he went to Mexico...
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at April 5, 2006 09:55 PM
