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April 06, 2006
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: The Conversation that I Wish Had Happened
A few days ago, Tom Cruise was in Germany promoting Mission Impossible III, a film you’ll boycott if you have so much as an ounce of decency. Although Cruise didn’t have the following phone conversation with Katie Holmes, his pregnant girlfriend, who is expected to go into labor very soon, I like to pretend that they did have the following phone conversation.
Tom Cruise: Hey, Kate. It’s so good to hear your voice. My assistant said you needed to talk to me.
Katie Holmes: I do, Tom. I do. It’s really hard for me to tell you this, but-
Tom Cruise: Before you say another word, Kate, I just think it’s really important that you understand something. My assistant told me that you told him to tell me that “Katie was on the phone.” Kate, you know I don’t want you calling yourself “Katie” anymore. I hate it, Kate. I really hate it. I mean, honestly Kate, do you think I should stay in love with a woman who won’t even extend me the common courtesy of calling herself what I want her to call herself. You know, Kate. Nicole had this problem too. At first, I wanted her to call herself, “Moesha,” but she refused. Then, right before we got divorced, I told her that she needed to legally change her name to “Not as Famous as Tom Cruise,” but she refused to do that too, Kate. I don’t want you to refuse me, Kate. I’m not saying I’m anything like Kobe Bryant, but I don’t handle rejection well, Kate. Do you understand?
Katie Holmes: Um, yeah, Tom, I do. But, the reason I’m calling is because-
Tom Cruise: Let me stop you right there, Kate. You don’t know the real reason you’re calling. I’ve studied the real reason you’re calling and you honestly don’t have a clue. I know the facts, Kate. I’ve studied this stuff. You don’t know anything.
Katie Holmes: Um, sweetie, I think you’re going to be really mad at me, but-
Tom Cruise: If you’re going to tell me that you plan to make even a whisper of a sound during my child’s birth – I mean our child’s birth - it’s really going to disappoint me, Kate. I mean, you know how the Church preaches that infants should not hear any noises during their entry into this world. That’s largely why I decided against my publicist’s advice to have you give birth to my child - I mean our child, Kate – at a local rodeo. Please don’t make that face. I know you’re making that face, Kate. I can sense it over the fun. Kate, honestly, it was a slip of the tongue, I promise. You’ve got to believe me, Kate. It’s OUR child, not MY child, okay? (Yelling) I’M JUST SO EXCITED ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU, KATE, THAT I SAY STUPID THINGS SOMETIMES.
Katie Holmes: Um, Tom. Real quick, you should know that-
Tom Cruise: They need me back on the set, Kate. I’ve got to promote this movie to the Germans. God, the Germans. You’ve got to respect those people, Kate. They nearly wiped out an entire civilization of people. That’s dedication. The Scientologists could learn a lot from studying their methods. Anyway, I’ll try to schedule you in for a phone conversation on my way back to the States. Is that okay, Kate? I really need to go. (Yelling) I CAN’T WAIT TO BE WITH YOU WHILE YOU GIVE BIRTH TO MY CHILD, SILENTLY OF COURSE. Love you, Kate. Now say it back. SAY IT BACK, KATE!
Katie Holmes: Tom, I’ve decided to have an abortion.
Hey, it'd make for a fun Oprah!
Comments
Hahahha, that's pretty funny.
I'm still convinced that the whole pregnancy is fake. She's really got a bowling ball under there, and when the time comes they'll miraculously produce an infant they got from an unwed teenager.
Also, did you know that Leah Remini, who plays Carrie on King of Queens, is a huge Scientologist?
Posted by: teahouseblossom at April 6, 2006 03:01 AM
Now that is some quality fiction. Nice.
Posted by: jeh at April 6, 2006 09:56 AM
Suggesting an abortion in the third trimester... Fool, you really ARE going to Hell.
But again, save me a seat. I'm going to want someone amusing to sit next to me down there. :)
Posted by: The BLS at April 6, 2006 11:18 AM
