Thinking Fool

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April 14, 2006

Random Thoughts on Easter Weekend – First Britney, Then Passover, and If You have Time, Some Quick Tips about Hollywood’s Latest Crop of Films

1. Upon hearing the news about Britney Spears’ baby cracking his skull, am I the only one who thought, “Damn, I wish I would have included that kid in my ghoul pool picks this year.” Don’t get me wrong; I hope Sean Preston grows up to be a well-adjusted, healthy adult. Unfortunately, the odds of that happening are about the same as the odds of the Iranian people nominating President Bush for the "Ayatollah Khomeini Man of the Year" award.

2. As a non-Jew, I’m not all that familiar with the rituals associated with Passover. Fortunately for me, Coworker #1 gave me the lowdown. “We hire some homeless Hispanic man to stand on a cross so we can laugh at him. Then we plan some bank meetings. And finally, if we have time, we eat.” Good to know.

3. If you plan to see a movie this weekend, you probably could care less what I think about Hollywood’s latest offerings. If that’s the case, stop reading. For the rest of you, the following movies are playing in the D.C. metro region, which leads me to believe that most of them are playing where you live.

Take the Lead
The Gist: Antonio Banderas teaches a bunch of hooligans about life through ballroom dancing.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Jessica Alba and some sex scenes.
Who Should See This: (1) Women who would like to ride Antonio Banderas like a pony, (2) Men who would like to ride Antonio Banderas like a pony; and (3) Anyone who loved Save the Last Dance.
The Verdict: Not great, but not horrible either. If it’s between this and suicide, go with this. C.

V for Vendetta
The Gist: An Englishman dons a mask and blows things up in totalitarian England. Natalie Portman joins him along the way and looks dynamite with a shaved head.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not a whole lot.
Who Should See This: Everyone but children and radical Muslims (we don’t need to give them any more ideas).
The Verdict: Definitely worth seeing. John Hurt is phenomenal as the totalitarian Chancellor. (For another excellent John Hurt role, rent From the Hip). A-.

Failure to Launch
The Gist: Matthew McConaughey won’t move out of his parents’ house, so his mom and dad hire Sarah Jessica Parker to help their grown boy leave the nest.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: A good and less predictable script.
Who Should See This: (1) Women and Men who’d like to mount Matthew McConaughey and/or Sarah Jessica Parker; (2) adult children who won’t grow up.
The Verdict: Matthew McConaughey has made a lot of romantic comedies. This is by far the worst. D+.

Inside Man
The Gist: A good old fashioned bank robbery movie that leaves the audience confused at times and intrigued at others.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: A more compelling reason for the owner of the bank to be concerned that his safety deposit box would be discovered. (I don’t want to ruin this for anyone who hasn’t seen the film, but not even Lenny from Of Mice and Men would have kept what was in the owner’s safety deposit box. Plot stupidity!)
Who Should See This: Everyone who likes Spike Lee films and everyone who likes bank robbery films.
The Verdict: Surprisingly good! I’m two for two with recent Spike Lee films. Now, if only Oliver Stone could learn how to make good movies again. I would have given this movie a higher grade had the bank owner not acted like Paris Hilton at a Mensa meeting, but props to Spike and company for entertaining me for two hours. B+.

Thank you for Smoking
The Gist: A satire about some joker who is a lobbyist for the tobacco industry.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: (1) More sex scenes with Katie Holmes just to piss off Tom Cruise; (2) More jokes – it wasn’t over the top enough to be that good.
Who Should See This: (1) Everyone in D.C. who wants to be part of the cultural “elite” and (2) smokers.
The Verdict: Not worth the hype. Better luck next time, guys. Thanks for the handjob. C-.

Brick
The Gist: A teenage girl gets killed and her ex-boyfriend tries to figure out what happened to her. He and all the other teenagers talk like they’re in a 1940s detective movie. Sound like a cool concept? It’s not.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: A different script, a different cast, a different director, and an abortion before it ever got made.
Who Should See This: Your sworn enemies (recommend it to them only).
The Verdict: Absolutely Awful. I haven’t seen one this bad in a long time. I lasted thirty minutes, and this is one time I’m proud to say that I didn’t last as long as most people! If you choose to see this, you ought to have your sexual organs removed. F.

Posted by fool on April 14, 2006 04:06 AM

Comments

Posted by: la lawyer at April 14, 2006 05:24 PM

Posted by: wc at April 14, 2006 06:44 PM