May 31, 2006
The Random Thoughts - They Just Keep on Coming
1. A man serving a life sentence for murdering his wife is asking a federal judge to order the state to pay for a sex-change operation. Yesterday, a psychiatrist testified that he believes Robert Kosilek will kill himself if the convicted murderer doesn’t receive the surgery. Is it just me, or is that kind of like a teacher “threatening” to give his students less homework if they keep misbehaving? In the spirit of the Soup Nazi, I hope the judge says, “Mr. Kosilek, NO SEX CHANGE FOR YOU!” Then the judge ought to give the inmate a rope just to show some compassion.
2. Speaking of judges, was there a better fictional one than Judge Smails from Caddyshack? “I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I OWED it to them.”
3. Repeat after me: “If I am in the left lane on a highway and see even a single car pass me, I will get the hell out of the left lane.” Why is this such a difficult concept for people to grasp? I don’t care if you’re going 90 mph. If the person behind you is going 95, you don’t belong in the left lane!
4. Last night, Elizabeth Taylor (the person, not Charlotte's slutty dog) went on Larry King Live to combat recent rumors that she’s nuttier than a bag of trail mix designed specifically for squirrels (i.e., she denied having Alzheimer’s). At one point, Taylor said, “Oh come on, do I look like I’m dying?” Before he could respond, King suffered a massive heart attack and was taken to UCLA Medical Center. When asked about the incident, Taylor said she was thrilled that her good friend was acquitted of child molestation. Then Taylor died. Nothing in this paragraph is true aside from the first two sentences. If you didn’t figure that out on your own, see my earlier advice for parents who brought their children to 10:15 p.m. showings of The Da Vinci Code.
5. Over the weekend, I managed to watch almost all of Notting Hill. It was surprisingly good and funny. Check it out.
6. Charles (he’s no longer “Charlie” - at least, not when he's anchoring the evening news) Gibson’s first two nights at the anchor desk on World News Tonight have gone fairly well. However, note to ABC News President David Westin: Come up with some new graphics. It’s Charlie’s, ugh, I mean Charles’ show now – his name ought to appear on screen right below WORLD NEWS TONIGHT.
7. Finally, apparently washing your front windshield on a highway when there’s a motorcycle directly behind you is not the Christian thing to do. Thanks for teaching me that trick, Papa Fool.
Posted by fool at 12:57 AM | Comments (2)May 30, 2006
The Wedding Experience: Why are You Talking to me as if We're Friends?
What’s the proper etiquette when you attend a wedding and run across a person so horrible that you would rather see her being led away in handcuffs on the evening news than actually have to converse with her?
In such a situation, I happen to believe that you should be polite, but keep things short. When two people share a mutual distaste for each other, I just don’t see the point of going through the motions as if you honestly care about the other person. Instead, why not just get in and get out?
For example...
Thinking Fool: Oh, hi, [Person whom I loathe more than Kobe Bryant]. [Bride] told me you would be here (which nearly caused me to jab a pair of scissors into my eyes). It really ended up being a great day for a wedding despite all the predictions for rain, huh? Well, I’m going to go mingle now (because talking to you is about as enjoyable as shoving toothpicks underneath my fingernails). I hope you have a safe journey home.
That’s how I tried to handle running into awful human being #1 at a wedding over the weekend. (No, I never dated awful human being #1; I just think she’s a horrible human being). Unfortunately, she just wanted to keep talking.
Awful Human Being: Oh wait, before you go, I've got so many questions for you!
Thinking Fool: (The perky routine works better for Katie Couric. You realize I absolutely despise you and think you’re a truly awful human being, yes?) I really should go say hi to [any other person in the room, but I’ll just throw out a random name]. I haven't talked to him yet.
Awful Human Being: So what are you doing with yourself these days? Where are you living? Where are you working? Did you graduate from law school yet? Tell me everything.
Thinking Fool: (I have it on good authority that you already know the answers to all of these questions. You asked a mutual acquaintance all about my life last night, so why are you asking me these things? You know I don’t like you. I know you don’t like me. Please leave me alone.) Yes, I graduated from law school last year and am working in D.C. for the federal government.
Awful Human Being: Oh, that’s so great. You know, my husband and I are moving to Northern Virginia very soon.
Thinking Fool: (Why are you telling me this? I have about as much interest in your life as I do in the World Cup.) That’s nice.
Guardian Angel (whom I don’t know) walks towards us.
Guardian Angel: Hey, [Horrible human being], how are you?
Thinking Fool exits stage left.
I don't get why people who don't like each other have to pretend like they really give a crap about the other person just because they happen to be at the same wedding. Be polite. Don't be phony.
Five more minutes of that conversation and I might have been blogging about a murder-suicide.
Posted by fool at 01:33 AM | Comments (3)May 26, 2006
An Open Letter to the South
Dear True Southerners (i.e. ones who hate Yankees),
On Monday, a 15-year-old girl led a protest against her school’s ban on Confederate flag clothing. The high school sophomore wants to be able to wear that type of clothing as a way to pay tribute to ancestors who fought on the Confederate side during the Civil War. Apparently, saying a prayer in their memory or visiting their gravesites or writing a poem or having sex with horses didn’t occur to her. Instead, she’d rather walk around her high school wearing a symbol that is saturated in racism, hatred, and oppression.
I don’t know if banning certain types of clothing is a particularly good idea. Freedom of choice is a very nice thing, even in high schools. What I do know, however, is that more than 140 years have elapsed since your ancestors lost the Civil War, and it’d be nice if you people actually recognized that fact.
It’s utterly absurd that the Jefferson Davis Highway is a major road in Northern Virginia. Hell, Germany might as well name its highways after Adolf Eichmann and Adolf Hitler. After all, like Jefferson Davis, I’m sure they had their good qualities too, right?
It’s completely ludicrous that in Virginia, (Robert E.) Lee-(Stonewall) Jackson day is a paid holiday the Friday before Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I guess you can’t honor one of "them" types without honoring two of your own too, right?
There are many great things about the South. At least, that’s what people keep telling me. However, your fixations with the Civil War and confederate flag are even more mind-boggling than Jennifer Garner’s decision to procreate with and marry Ben Affleck.
Just because something is part of your history doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing worthy of celebrating. Ted Bundy’s descendants probably don’t light a candle in his honor every year and think, “Well, sure he had some faults, but no one could sucker an attractive coed like good old Theodore!”
I know it’s hard to let go of your belief that all that is good with this country originated from the South and all that is bad came straight from the North. Thus, each day, I’d like you to look in the mirror and recite the following: “I grew up in the South and I love it. However, I love America even more. In fact, I love America so much that I will stop referring to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggression. All of my ancestors who fought in the Civil War are dead. I never met any of these people and I really shouldn’t feel so passionately about them. However, if I feel the urge to pay tribute to them, I will not put on a white robe and hood. Nor will I burn a cross or hoist a confederate flag from my pick-up truck. Instead, I will read a history book written by someone from the North or the West coast, write a short story about slavery from the perspective of a slave, or molest one of the farm animals, but only if papa gives me permission first.”
Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend.
Sincerely,
Thinking Fool
Posted by fool at 01:56 AM | Comments (2)May 25, 2006
More Random Thoughts before Bed
1. Within days of my post denouncing Elizabeth Vargas’ anchoring abilities, the fine folks at ABC News showed her the door. (I’d like to think I had something to do with that, but I’d also like to think that Jessica Alba has a shrine dedicated to me.) Vargas claims it was her decision to stop anchoring World News Tonight. According to her, she needs to spend more time concentrating on her pregnancy and being a mom, and apparently, being the World News Tonight anchor simply wouldn’t allow her to do those things. She might be telling the truth, but (voice going up an octave) I DON’T THINK SO! Did you happen to catch her statement at the end of Tuesday’s World News Tonight broadcast, in which she informed the audience that starting Monday, Charles Gibson would be taking over as the sole anchor? Vargas looked like was reading the teleprompter at gunpoint. Happy trails, Elizabeth.
2. It’s always fun to see how strangers stumble across this site. Yesterday, some moron searched ask.com for “what happens when dogs eat sugarless gum.” I couldn’t pinpoint what part of the world this particular individual is from, but my guess is Arkansas or West Virginia. Dogs eat other dogs’ poop. I’m sure old Fido can chew Trident from time to time and be just fine.
3. I have a loyal reader who visits this blog all the way from Australia. It's nice to have readers from the two greatest countries in the world.
4. Not only does TNT have better play-by-play announcers and studio analysts for NBA games, it has far superior music too. ABC and ESPN, do us a favor and exit stage left.
5. It’s one thing to search the web for what happens to dogs when they eat sugarless gum. It’s quite another to search Google for “castration scenes.” To the person in Italy who conducted that search, make sure we NEVER EVER meet.
6. Instead of building a fence along the Mexican border, how about hiring some engineers to design the Mexican Canal? True, it’d be a much more challenging project than the Panama Canal, but everyone seems to like how that one turned out. Plus, a canal would be prettier than a fence, though a fence would be just fine too!
7. Al Gore should win the Democratic Presidential Nomination in 2008. I often wonder how different our country would be if Gore had defeated President Bush in 2000. I don't know if we'd be in better or worse shape, but I'm sure we'd be in different shape. It's too bad time machines don't really exist. It'd be fun to be able to treat real life like one of those "Choose your adventure" novels, where you get to make different choices and see what would have happened had you gone another way.
8. The comment of the week comes courtesy of a recent law school graduate who graced me with his presence at lunch the other day. After I asked him whether he’s excited to be moving to the West Coast, he told me that he really hated the actual moving part, i.e. the packing, the cleaning, etc.
Thinking Fool: Do you have much left to do?
Recent Law School Grad: I’ve still got a lot of cleaning to do. And a lot of stuff has to be thrown away. After I do all of that, I can’t wait to take any remaining food to the street and burn it in front of a homeless person.
Sounds like a future public interest lawyer to me!
May 24, 2006
Another Memory from the Summer Associate Days: Exactly Why Did We Fill Out These Forms?
When I did the summer associate thing after my second year of law school, before we started working, the firm had all the summer associates complete a detailed questionnaire specifying our personal preferences. I don’t remember how many questions there were, but I’m pretty sure the only thing that wasn’t asked was whether we enjoyed masturbating. (Clearly, I did not design the form or that would have been question number one.)
There were scores of summer activities for us to do that ranged from playing golf to participating in a cooking class to attending concerts. One of the more intimate events involved two, and only two, summer associates having dinner with a few attorneys at a partner’s home. As you can probably surmise, the whole point of the dinner was to get to know the attorneys in a comfortable, non-rigid setting.
It was clear from the beginning that the summer partner (i.e. the partner who oversaw the entire summer program) and I got along smashingly well. That’s why I had a look of pure glee plastered across my face as I sauntered into her office the morning after my partner dinner.
Summer Partner: Hey, you had dinner at Partner X’s house last night, right?
Thinking Fool: I sure did!
Summer Partner: So, how was it?
Thinking Fool: (Grinning) Oh, it was nice.
Summer Partner: Hmm, well that’s good. (Pausing) Is there a particular reason that you’re smirking like an idiot right now?
Thinking Fool: No, no. No reason. (Pausing and smiling more) Well, actually, I was just thinking about stuff you had us do before we started working here.
Summer Partner: And you’re referring to what exactly?
Thinking Fool: You know those forms that we had to fill out indicating our preferences for activities, food, drinks, etc?
Summer Partner: Yeah. What about them?
Thinking Fool: What exactly was the purpose of having us fill those out?
Summer Partner: (Jumping on the sarcastic horse) Well, genius, if we know what you like to do and what you don’t like to do before the summer begins, we can schedule more events that you’ll enjoy and try to refrain from scheduling events that you won’t enjoy.
Thinking Fool: Oh, that makes sense, I guess. Actually, I kind of thought that’s what they were for, but after last night, I really wasn’t sure.
Summer Partner: Why, what happened last night?
Thinking Fool: Oh, nothing major. It was a very nice dinner. Long, but nice. (With a little more excitement in the voice) IN FACT, Partner X’s wife even made homemade CRAB CAKES! Now that was a REALLY nice treat, especially for the other summer associate and me!
Summer Partner: (A bit confused) Why, were they not good?
Thinking Fool: I don’t know. Neither of us eats seafood.
At least the sides weren't seafood. Plus, Wendy’s tasted pretty good on the way home.
Posted by fool at 12:25 AM | Comments (9)May 23, 2006
Those Boots were Made for Walking... But Just Not in D.C....
To the man who kept bumping into me on the Metro last night, perhaps you'd have a little more balance in the future if you actually refrained from wearing those idiotic cowboy boots. Last time I checked, we live in Washington, D.C., not Tombstone, Arizona.
Posted by fool at 12:51 AM | Comments (3)May 22, 2006
An Open Letter to Parents Regarding Children and Movies
Dear Parents Who Enjoy Bringing their Children to Movies,
Like millions of other Americans, I saw The Da Vinci Code over the weekend. Even though it’s pretty violent in certain parts, if you think little Johnny or Tyrone is old enough to see it, well, that’s your decision. After all, when I was in the single digit years, my parents let me watch Porky’s, the Friday the 13th movies, and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and I turned out somewhat well; so I’m hardly in a position to question what movies you should let your kids watch.
However, the difference between my parents and some of you is that Papa Fool and Mama Fool did not bring me to movie theaters to watch these films. No sir. I actually watched these movies at home.
This will shock some of you, especially the four geniuses with whom I shared a theater over the weekend, but it’s completely inappropriate to bring an infant child to a 10:15 p.m. showing of a 149-minute movie on a Saturday night, especially if the movie’s credits do not include any references to Pixar. For those of you who did not know this already, on behalf of my loyal readership and the rest of the population, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that you are complete idiots.
America does not need more idiots in the world and idiots tend to produce more idiots.
Thus, to Maria and José and Christine and Todd and all the other parents who brought their infant children to see 10:15 p.m. showings of Ron Howard’s latest film over the weekend, do me a favor. Make sure that every single time you guys have sex in the future, you use a condom, the pull-out method, and, if possible, the morning after pill too (you can never be too safe!). (It should go without saying that bonus points will be awarded to men who get vasectomies and women who get their tubes tied.)
If you’re Catholic and think you cannot comply with my request due to the Church’s position on birth control, trust me! Your duty to other movie-going patrons far outweighs your duty to the Pope. Send old Benedict an email if you don’t believe me. Oh, and while you're at it, ask him if he thought the The Da Vinci Code was as boring as I did.
Sincerely,
Thinking Fool
Posted by fool at 01:12 AM | Comments (6)May 19, 2006
Random Thoughts as the Fool Prepares for Bed
1. Does Elizabeth Vargas know she’s anchoring ABC’s World News Tonight and not Wake Up, Buffalo! or some other crappy show on a local television station? I’ve watched her the last couple nights, and have concluded that either Vargas is going on the air drunk, or she’s not even trying. She giggles more than a teenage girl on a date with the high school quarterback. Tivo, you may resume recording the CBS Evening News.
2. What percentage of high school quarterbacks do you think actually end up being desirable catches?
3. I’ve spent quite a bit of time reconsidering my decision not to work for a big firm. Working for the federal government supposedly includes two great perks: working fewer hours and doing stimulating work. Lately, not only have I been working big firm hours, I’ve also been about as stimulated as a hooker who got picked up by a midget. (This comparison only works if you assume the hooker does not have a midget fetish, which I think is a fairly safe assumption. However, I defer to hookers to correct me on this one.)
4. TNT’s announcers are WAY better than ESPN’s announcers. You’d think the world wide leader in sports would have the dynamite crews. It doesn’t.
5. Despite having a four episode backlog on my O.C. viewing, I managed to watch the second half of last night’s season finale. Rest in peace, Marissa Cooper, rest in peace! It’s a shame that it couldn’t have been Ryan who died instead. After three good seasons, Fox ought to pull a John McLaughlin on this show and say, “BYE, BYE!” The fourth season will be atrocious.
6. Speaking of McLaughlin, if you are at all interested in politics and don’t watch The McLaughlin Group, you should. It’s fantastic!
7. Would it be impossible for drivers in the D.C. area to actually acknowledge you when you do something nice for them? A simple wave of the hand indicating thanks appears to be a gesture reserved for the Western half of the United States.
8. Finally, to the person who stumbled across this site by doing a google search for “sex on fool,” if you really want to know, it’s pretty much like having sex with Brad Pitt... only different.
Posted by fool at 01:48 AM | Comments (7)May 18, 2006
The First and Last Paintball Experience
In junior high, one of my friends had his birthday party at a local paintball facility. If you’ve never played paintball, let me assure you that when you get hit by one of those things, it hurts like a bitch!
Before we played, the paintball club’s employees gave us a long speech about the rules of the game and all the safety procedures that we had to follow. One such rule/safety procedure was the ability to surrender if people got too close to you (I think they had to be within ten feet). This rule kept people from having to endure severe pain while still rewarding the other team by giving them the same amount of points that they would have received had they actually shot the opposing player.
Fast forward to game three.
Game three involved a whole new set of players who looked like they just got off a construction job, headed to the bar for a few drinks, and then came right to the paintball facility to “engage.” In other words, these were NASCAR fans.
Towards the end of the match, four of the NASCAR boys managed to surround an opposing player, who clearly did not want to be shot at near point-blank range. At least, that’s the impression I got when he fell to the ground and yelled, “I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!”
The foursome’s reaction?
“FUCK THAT!”
Needless to say, I didn’t stick around for a fourth game.
May 17, 2006
The NBA Playoffs - Almost as good as March Madness
During the regular season, I didn’t watch a single NBA game on television. Not one. Yet, here I am, losing quite a bit of sleep these days because of the NBA playoffs. Somehow, the playoffs have managed to lure me in just like the witch lured those two little fat bastard kids into her house in Hansel and Gretel. (If that’s not a perfect story about what might happen if you eat too much as a child, I don’t know what is. It's a pretty freaking scary story, ranking right up there with that prayer that kids say before they go to sleep in which they talk about dying before they wake up in the morning. I can understand if President Ford is saying that to himself before shuteye each night, but kids still in the single digit years? That’s got to be great for their psyches!) Anyway, the playoffs have been utterly amazing. If you’re even a marginal basketball fan, but are turned off to the NBA because of all the thug players, give the playoffs a try. For the first time in a very long time, the NBA really is FANTASTIC!
Posted by fool at 02:05 AM | Comments (1)May 16, 2006
A Blast from the Past: The Fool Family Goes to an Angels Game
Picture it, Anaheim, California, sometime in the early 1990s....
Papa Fool, Mama Fool, Brother Fool, Sister Fool, and I are sitting about fifteen rows behind the Angels’ dugout. There’s a runner on second base with two outs. As Angel shortstop Dick Schofield strolls to the plate, the public address announcer’s booming voice fills the stadium. “Now batting, the Shortstop, Dick Schoooooooofield!”
This is the moment Brother Fool and I have been waiting for! Papa Fool has taught us well.
Brother Fool: (Yelling) Come on, DICK!
Thinking Fool: (Also yelling in a voice that’s about as steady as Katherine Hepburn’s) Let’s go, BIG DICK!
Brother Fool: COME ON, DICK!!! USE YOUR BIG STICK, DICK!
Thinking Fool: USE YOUR LUMBER, DICK!!!!!
Brother Fool: DRIVE HER HOME, DICK!
Our maturity level hasn’t improved much over the last fifteen years.
Posted by fool at 01:02 AM | Comments (4)May 15, 2006
Playing at a Theater Near You (Unless You Live in a City that doesn't appreciate Movies!)
Hard Candy
The Gist: A pedophile uses the internet to “lure” a 15-year-old girl to his house for what he thinks will be a very enjoyable experience. Major Oops on his part!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: If D.C. Police had come to the theater where I saw this film and arrested the man who was watching the movie by himself. In my book, his mere presence constituted probable cause for something illegal (probably child molestation). The movie also should have been 15 minutes shorter, but it was good overall.
Who Should See This: (1) Pedophiles (so they are deterred); (2) Couples on a first date (it’s very romantic, especially if castration scenes get you in the mood); (3) Anybody who gets sick of reading about teenagers getting abused by people online.
The Verdict: One reviewer said both characters are such scumbags that it’s tough not to sympathize with the pedophile at times. The reviewer who said that is an idiot. B+.
Akeelah and the Bee
The Gist: Think Hoosiers, but substitute a little black girl from Compton for the all-white Hickory High basketball players and substitute a bunch of spelling bees for all those basketball games.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: If Javier (Akeelah’s very nice Woodland Hills friend) would have impregnated Akeelah (only because audiences would have been mortified), and if the Chinese kid’s dad would have gotten arrested for trafficking in child pornography (because that also would have been unpredictable). Also, Dennis Hopper in a cameo would have been nice.
Who Should See This: Anybody who wants to leave the theater feeling good about life!
The Verdict: Definitely worth seeing! Booger from Revenge of the Nerds is in it! How can you go wrong? B+.
United 93
The Gist: The events of September 11, 2001 as lived by those aboard United Flight 93, the one hijacked plane that never made it to its intended target.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Drags a bit in the middle; aside from that, it was perfect.
Who Should See This: You should.
The Verdict: I was on the fence about seeing this. After all, that day wasn’t exactly very fun. However, the film is definitely worth seeing. As Hannibal Lecter told Clarice, “GO NOW!” A-.
May 12, 2006
Another Child with No Shot: Coming Soon
“I didn’t think I’d get pregnant because it was my first time.”
~ A twelve-year-old chain-smoking, English girl who is due to give birth next month after getting knocked up at the tender age of eleven
“I’m not ashamed of my daughter at all – in fact, I’m proud of her for keeping her baby.”
~The twelve-year old girl’s mother, who is looking forward to becoming a grandmother
“I don’t usually advocate kidnapping, but if someone wants to swipe the unborn child as soon as it enters the world, you'd really be doing the kid a favor, especially if the mother plans to send the child to America to visit her Aunt Amber. In the alternative, who wants to join my pool predicting the age that the unborn child becomes a parent?”
~Thinking Fool, actually baffled upon reading this story
Posted by fool at 01:13 AM | Comments (4)
May 09, 2006
Commander in Chief goes Bye Bye!
I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but in D.C., there’s been a lot of speculation about why ABC’s Commander in Chief didn’t make it. (Barring a miracle, the show will not be back for a second season next fall.) I’ve been watching the show since the beginning, which means two things. First, I am an idiot. Second, I am qualified to end the speculation about what went wrong.
The show didn’t make it for the following simple reasons.
1. It was boring.
2. Geena Davis was so utterly unconvincing and unlikable as a president that she would have caused a majority of Americans to vote for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad if she were to face him in a head to head election. I’m serious. How she won an acting award for her role on this show will go down as one of the greatest mysteries in the history of the world. Yes, it will rank right up there with other greats like: “Where did we come from?”, “Why can’t you draw a picture of Mohammad without a bunch of crazy nutjobs issuing a fatwa?”, and “Did my daddy know when he stuck his thing in my mommy that they might get me?”
3. Ever Carradine, who played press secretary Kelly Ludlow, never took ANY of her clothes off in ANY episode. This would be like having Kobe Bryant attend your high school and NOT play basketball, i.e. it’d be a total waste of natural talent and spit in the face of nature. We all saw this demonstrated in real life in the movie Hoosiers.
4. The first gentleman, i.e. Geena Davis’ husband on the show, was no less annoying than Screech, Urkel, and Kimmie Gibler combined. At least those were characters in sitcoms. This guy was the biggest pussy in the history of television.
5. The show was awful.
6. Natasha Henstridge played Donald Sutherland’s Chief of Staff, yet she never took ANY of her clothes off in ANY episode. You cast the woman who made Species watchable for the sole reason that she got naked in that movie, yet you don’t let viewers catch even a glimpse of her in the nude. Oh silly me, I guess sex and politics are like oil and water – they just don’t mix. Where the hell would I ever get an idea that sex and Washington go together like Piglet and a slaughterhouse? (Is it just me, or did anyone else wish Rabbit or Pooh or Christopher Robin or some maniacal farmer would have killed Piglet at some point?)
8. The show was horrible. (Yes, I know I skipped 7. I couldn't think of a seventh reason.)
9. Geena Davis was dreadful as the president. If that's what a woman is going to be like in office, let's pass a Constitutional amendment to get rid of the 22nd Amendment and elect Bush to a third term. (Yes, she was THAT bad.)Posted by fool at 12:55 AM | Comments (5)
May 08, 2006
Next time, Perhaps He'll Sunbathe at the Beach!
With the exception of yesterday, it’s been absolutely gorgeous in the nation’s capital recently. Obviously when the weather is nice, more people like to do things outside, whether it’s eating lunch or playing softball or robbing hot dog vendors or selling crack.
Last week, as Coworker #1, Coworker #2, and I were strolling back from lunch, we noticed a young man sitting amidst dozens of other people who were enjoying the nice weather. The young man stood out from the rest of the crowd for one simple reason – he was the only member of the public who decided that wearing a shirt wasn’t for him.
Never in my life have I felt as prepared as I did at that moment. I waited until we were about fifty feet from the young man before I turned around and SCREAMED, “PUT YOUR SHIRT ON!” Thank you Papa Fool, Mama Fool, Sister Fool, Brother Fool, and the Deer Assassin. You have all taught me well.
Posted by fool at 01:05 AM | Comments (4)May 05, 2006
The Boycott Begins Today - Choose the Best Answer
1. Which of the following is morally superior to seeing Mission Impossible III this weekend?
A. Plagiarizing several passages from a book before signing your own book deal
B. Getting drunk and molesting a goat
C. Getting drunk and molesting an underage goat
D. Robbing a bank
E. Punching Kobe Bryant in the face
F. All of the above
May 04, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XV
Other Federal Government Employee: I heard a nasty rumor that you aren’t planning to attend the happy hour tonight.
Thinking Fool: That rumor would be correct.
Other Federal Government Employee: Really? How come you don't want to come out with us?
Thinking Fool: Because I don’t like any of you people.
Other Federal Government Employee: Oh. Well, that’s a pretty good reason.
Thinking Fool: Thank you.Posted by fool at 12:14 AM | Comments (3)
May 03, 2006
A Year in Review: The Best of Thinking Fool
When I started this blog, I didn't know how long it would last. Frankly, I still don't know how long it will last. Could be another month, could be another year, could be five years. I really don't know. What I do know, however, is that yesterday, the Thinking Fool turned one! This blog would not exist without you, the reader. So thank you! Thank you for visiting. Thank you for reading. Thank you for linking. And for God's sake, thank you for not encouraging Jimmy Carter to sue me.
And now, as promised, the following list constitutes the "Best of Thinking Fool" through the first 365 days.
Honorable Mention
Babies Shouldn’t Attend Graduation Ceremonies... (READER’S CHOICE)
My Run-In with the Chinese Diplomat (READER’S CHOICE)
One Female Prank Caller + Kobe Bryant + Mike Tyson = A Cautionary Tale (READER’S CHOICE)
Connie, Maury, Too Much Sex, and a Dumb President at MSNBC
But Pancakes are on the Menu
Golf, the I want to be like Ev Edition – Part 1; Part 2 (READER’S CHOICE)
The Thinking Fool and his Dad Go to Vegas: Chapter 1; Chapter 2
And Now the Thinking Fool's Top Ten Entries Over the Last Year!
#10 Conversations at Work: Volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12.
#9 I Guess I'm Just the Latest Person Suing the Catholic Church (READER’S CHOICE)
#8 Ideas for Negotiating Your next Lease – Threaten them with Porn
#7 An Open Letter from Amber Frey’s Daughter to Santa
#6 Coming out of the Closet – A Classmate’s Story (READER’S CHOICE)
#5 Dinner with the Family: Oh Captain, My Captain! (READER’S CHOICE)
#4 Harriet Miers’s Resignation Letter: The First Draft
#3 WDJT - What Does Jefferson Think? (Arm Bands Coming Soon)
#2 An Open Letter from Jimmy Carter to the American Public
#1 "All Aboard!" – I should have ponied up the cash for Amtrak: The Story
May 02, 2006
Happy Birthday, Fool!!!
The Thinking Fool is one year old today.
The "best of" list is coming soon. Very soon.
Unfortunately, work beat me up so badly yesterday that I thought about getting a restraining order. I figured it didn't do much good for Nicole Simpson, so it probably wouldn't do much good for me.
In the words of one of my favorite high school teachers, "Carry on!"
Posted by fool at 12:24 AM | Comments (6)May 01, 2006
Necesitas Hablar Ingles Pronto, Por Favor!
"I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English."
~President George W. Bush
The President finally got something right, though I would tweak his statement slightly.
"I think people who want to live and work in this country ought to learn English."
~Thinking Fool
Enjoy the first annual "America Braces Without Immigrants Day." Perhaps later in the week, our nation's hospitals can stage the first ever "No Health Care Will be Provided Unless You are a United States Citizen, Have Health Insurance, or Pay Cash Day."
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (12)
