June 30, 2006
Apathetic People, Rejoice!
In November, Arizona voters will decide whether to pass an initiative that would require Arizona election officials to pull one ballot at random after each major election. The state would then send that lucky voter a check for $1 million.
This idea is dumber than New Coke, Britney Spears, and Odie combined. If we're going to pay apathetic people to vote, we might as well pay stupid people to procreate. Hmm, I guess we already do that. It’s called welfare.
Posted by fool at 01:51 AM | Comments (6)June 28, 2006
Hoorah! Another One Bites the Dust
Last night, shortly before he was executed, Angel Maturino Resendiz, a train-hopping serial killer linked to at least 15 murders, said, “I deserve what I am getting.”
Amen to that.
Hasta la vista, Angel. Say hi to Tookie.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)June 27, 2006
Dear Abby Fool
I’ve been kind of bored with the whole law thing lately, so I’m thinking about applying to be an advice columnist. I don’t know if I’d be good at that job or if anyone would hire me, but I’d like to give it a shot.
Dear It’s Not You, It’s Meow,
First, your name is idiotic. Don’t ever write me again if you’re going to use that stupid name.
Second, remember that relationships are all about love and caring.
Third, your homeboy sounds like a real douche bag. Grow a backbone and tell Joe the Douche Bag that there is only room for one pussy in the bedroom, and its name isn’t Morris or Garfield. If that doesn't provide him with enough bedroom pleasure, he can go straight to hell.
Fourth, when Douche Bag Joe breaks up with you - and he will break up with you - try not to use food as a substitute for love. Meth is a much better choice, and it’s not as addictive.
Fifth, are you such a loser that you don’t have one friend who could have provided an answer to this idiotic question? Did you really have to write some stranger with a newspaper column to help you? You’re worse than a Dr. Laura caller.
Sixth, thank you so much for writing. My readers' letters are so special to me. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking about you and Joe and praying for a wonderful resolution and blissful future for you guys.
~Fool
If you have a question you’d like the Thinking Fool to answer, write him at ThinkingFool at gmail dot com.
Posted by fool at 12:07 AM | Comments (12)June 26, 2006
It Never Used to be this Hard to Talk to Someone
America West was never a great airline.
At times, its customer service department seemed like it was managed by descendents of the Mad Hatter. Its on-time performance always seemed about as steady as Muhammad Ali carrying a tray of water glasses. And unlike Continental (at least, the flights I’ve been on), the America West flight attendants never made you want to run to the bathroom to play with your special friend. (This, of course, was the airline’s biggest flaw in my opinion.) Yet, through all its faults, America West was always better than U.S. Airways.
Now the two airlines are one, and although I'm excited about the new routes, I worry that the plague of putridness that infected every aspect of U.S. Airways will destroy all of America West’s good parts.
Exhibit One: Since the merger, it’s been incredibly difficult to get a live employee on the phone. And when you do reach someone, half the time that person has no idea how to help you.
During his recent D.C. visit, Papa Fool was lounging on my couch watching a baseball game while I attempted to use frequent flyer miles to upgrade to first class on an upcoming journey to the West Coast.
Papa Fool: Did she put you on hold again?
Thinking Fool: Well, actually, she not only put me on hold again, this time she also transferred me to another person.
Papa Fool: Why?
Thinking Fool: I’m not positive about this, but when you asked me earlier why she put me on hold, I think she heard me tell you, “Hell if I know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if her coworker is fingering her right now.”
Two observations. First, perhaps I should invest in a phone that has a “mute” function. Second, if she did hear me (and I don’t think she did – the hold music was playing (can they hear you when the hold music is playing?)), I wonder if she felt embarrassed by her coworker’s actions. I know I would.
Posted by fool at 12:59 AM | Comments (3)June 21, 2006
Back soon...
Too bad, Kobe! Congratulations, Heat.
Been a rough week. I shall resume regular posting soon.
June 19, 2006
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ooooooooooooooo-ke
Sometimes it’s tough to select winners for certain awards. That is not the case today. Phil Mickelson, on behalf of all of us at ThinkingFool.com, I’d like to congratulate you on being the recipient of the 2006 Boston Strangler Choker Award. Although it goes without saying, a crack-addicted homeless man couldn’t have made poorer decisions than you did during yesterday's U.S. Open. Good luck in Britain. For your sake, I hope that tournament doesn't come down to a matter of strategy.
Posted by fool at 01:39 AMJune 15, 2006
An Open Letter from Stanley “Tookie” Williams to St. Peter
Dear St. Pete,
It’s been more than six months since they executed me, man. Aren’t you guys ever going to let me in?
For crying out loud, I wrote children’s books. Children's books for Christ’s sake!
Shit, tell J.C. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.
Fuck, I’m never getting in, am I?
Tookie
Posted by fool at 12:39 AM | Comments (11)June 14, 2006
"We figured you'd donate more money if we called you at home."
It’s Sunday morning.
The phone rings.
It’s early.
I’m not entirely pleased that the phone is ringing this early on a Sunday morning.
Thinking Fool: “Hello?” (A second of silence elapses. It’s that familiar second of silence that is immediately followed by a sudden surge of background noise, alerting me to the fact that some bastard telemarketer is on the other end of the phone line.) “Hello?” Why don’t you just hang up before talking to these screwballs?
Habitat Dude: “Hi, is [Thinking Fool] there?”
Thinking Fool: Wow, he didn’t butcher my name. Between telemarketers and Safeway cashiers, my name usually gets butchered like Nicole Brown Simpson was twelve years ago. Has it really been twelve years since O.J. nearly decapitated her? I still remember sitting in the kitchen and eating some salsa as the “CNN Breaking News” graphic crawled across the television. I can't believe Fred Goldman's father hasn't killed that bastard. “Who is this?”
Habitat Dude: “This is [Bozo] from Habitat for Humanity. Are you [Thinking]?”
Thinking Fool: “Yes, I am.” Usually I get antsy when someone calls me “Mr. Fool,” but dare I say that’s how this son-of-a-bitch should be addressing me at this juncture.
Habitat Dude: “Hi, [Thinking]. First, I want to thank you very much for supporting Habitat for Humanity in the past. Your support has really meant a lot to us and enabled us to do great things. Second, I want to”
Thinking Fool: Damn, this guy sounds more hyper than a fourteen-year-old guy whose smoking hot female teacher just passed him a note informing him that he should get to know her from the inside out. “Let me stop you right there. See, I donate money when I can to various charities, including yours. But whenever a charity calls me at home, it really irritates me. So much so that I usually don’t donate to that charity again for a very long time. Thus, if you promise to delete me from your database and also promise never to call me again, I’ll continue to give money from time to time in the future.”
Habitat Dude: “I totally understand and respect that Mr. Fool.”
Thinking Fool: Good, that means he’ll leave me alone. Hmm, he’s calling me “Mr.” all of a sudden. Sounds like the type of guy who dreams about fingering his sister. I wonder where he’s from.
Habitat Dude: “Before I let you go, I want to tell you about a special opportunity.”
Thinking Fool: Wait a minute. Did he just not get the verbal memo? As for the special opportunity, let me guess. Some sponsor has agreed to match all contributions dollar-for-dollar over the next few weeks.
Habitat Dude: “A Habitat sponsor has agreed to match contributions from generous individuals like yourself over the next several weeks.”
Thinking Fool: Damn, I’m good. If only I were this good at my job. WOW! My toenail looks really weird. I’ve been scared to clip them after that ingrown disaster several months ago, but the big one definitely needs a trim.
Habitat Dude: “So, for every dollar you contribute-”
Thinking Fool: This might be one of the dumbest bastards I’ve ever talked to. You can definitely tell that he’s touched a cousin if not his sister. Yet, he’s very friendly, a quality I find endearing. Lord knows his job has to suck more than a high school cheerleading squad on prom night. I wonder if his sister is a cheerleader. Oh hell, I don’t care. I just want to take a nap. “Hmm, I guess I wasn’t clear before or you weren’t listening. Please don’t call me at home anymore. These calls anger me. Thank you.” Click.
I should have told him about the Jimmy Carter entry.Posted by fool at 12:35 AM | Comments (7)
June 13, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XVII
After a fellow employee emailed me some feedback about a recent proposal (he wanted me to lengthen a portion of it), Coworker #1 suggested responding in the following manner: “Thanks, but I was trying to keep that aspect of the proposal short... like your dick!”
Just because I didn’t implement the suggestion doesn’t mean I didn’t like love it.
June 12, 2006
An Alternate Reality
From Friday's Express.
Yeah, because meeting on a dating site is far more stigmatizing than meeting in an online game discussion group called "The Cloudmakers."
That type of logic could result in a young couple being added to the list of people who should not procreate. To add or not to add, that is the question!
Posted by fool at 01:05 AM | Comments (9)June 09, 2006
Playing at a Theater Near You...
The Break-Up
The Gist: A purported romantic comedy that is actually quite dark and depressing as we watch a pretty, somewhat uptight woman (who used to ride Brad Pitt like a pony in real life) and a funny, selfish man (who appears to have followed Brad Pitt’s role in real life) break up. Neither person wants to leave their lakefront condo; thus, we get to watch them fight like O.J. and Nicole (minus the physical violence and near decapitation) and apparently are supposed to laugh throughout the film.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: If the movie had been consistently funny instead of being spottier than a teenage girl’s underwear. (Okay, so that’s probably not the most appropriate analogy, but it’s funnier than referring to a Dalmatian, yes?)
Who Should See This: (1) Any man who wants to see Jennifer Anniston’s backside; (2) You if you’re incredibly bored and have seen all the other movies; (3) Any person who hates Brad Pitt and/or Angelina Jolie.
The Verdict: There are some very funny parts, especially between Vince Vaughn and his bartending friend. But if you want to watch a good fight, just rent Rocky II and fast forward to the final match. C.
The Omen
The Gist: Woman gets pregnant. Woman gives birth to stillborn child. Woman’s husband doesn’t tell her she lost the baby. Instead, husband adopts a son at the hospital who ends up being the spawn of Satan. Surprisingly, the spawn of Satan is not a very nice person. Who would have thought?
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: An abortion before Damien entered the picture or raising Gregory Peck from the dead and casting him as one of the priests or just not remaking the film.
Who Should See This: Anybody who didn’t see the original and who doesn’t have a membership at Blockbuster, Hollywood Video, Sam’s Adult Movies, Netflix, etc.
The Verdict: Yes, I dozed off while watching this remake, but I saw enough to know the original is more compelling. Also, apparently shhing the three people in the back of the theater who talked more than that stupid donkey from Shrek is inappropriate. “Don’t you shh me. I’ll damn well talk if I want to.” If only they had been al-Zarqawi’s spiritual advisors. D+.
June 07, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XVI
Coworker #1: (To Me) Well, I'm going to pull out of this conversation just like your father should have pulled out of your mother 26 years ago.
To catch up on earlier conversations at work, click the numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15.
Posted by fool at 12:29 AM | Comments (2)June 06, 2006
"I hopped across the Pond and found Pond SCUM!"
In Sunday’s Washington Post, there was an article about the increase in internet romances between the United States and Britain. Apparently, once in a while, a woman is foolish enough to hop on a transatlantic flight to surprise her U.K. “fiancé” by knocking on the door of his house only to have the man’s wife answer! (I'm sure that's a nice treat for both women.)
A U.S. Embassy employee offered up some pretty good advice for Americans who fall in love online with people across the pond: Never send money, and at a minimum, talk to the person on the phone before you come. (I would add a few other nuggets of wisdom like: The Lord loves a working man, don't step in shit, and never trust whitey, but I digress....)
Although the embassy employee's advice seems on point, if this is the type of information that is not part of your common sense, you've got problems. To be more specific, if you have ever journeyed across an ocean to surprise your chat "lover/significant other/whatever” before (at a minimum) talking to him or her on the phone first, it is with great pleasure that I officially add you to the list of people who should not be allowed to procreate.
Posted by fool at 01:31 AM | Comments (3)June 05, 2006
Courtesy of My Friend Who is Living in Beautiful Detroit
At a hearing last week before a trial court in Detroit, the defendant was accused of trying to gain access to the petitioner’s house by climbing through a window that was accessible from the roof.
Judge: Do you use drugs?
Defendant: Yes.
Judge: What drug?
Defendant: Crack cocaine.
Judge: Did you climb through [petitioner's] window?
Defendant: No. That don't make no sense. Why would I do that? I ain't into that Romeo and Juliet shit.
I would have dismissed the case at that point, but apparently the judge wasn’t convinced by the crackhead's flawless logic.
Posted by fool at 12:06 AM | Comments (2)June 01, 2006
Walking Back from the Wedding
Over the weekend, as I wandered back to my hotel room, I found myself in an elevator with three gregarious people who had clearly attended a different wedding at the same hotel.
Random Other Guy: Hey, did you go to a wedding too?
Thinking Fool: Yes.
Random Other Guy: Which one?
Thinking Fool: The [Bride’s Name/Groom’s Name] one.
Random Other Guy: Oh, that’s not the same one that we went to. (Pausing) So was yours any good?
Thinking Fool: Well, the ceremony was super nice, but the reception was really REALLY weird.
Random Other Guy: (Intrigued) How so?
Thinking Fool: Well, it turns out that the groom’s uncle is a pedophile who just got out of prison. About an hour into the reception, he got this ten-year-old boy naked on the dance floor and started molesting him in front of everyone, and, well, that just really weirded everyone out.
At this point, the Random Other Guy started laughing while his female companions simultaneously exclaimed, “Ewww! You can’t be serious!”
Random Other Guy: (Seconds later, as we’re all walking off the elevator.) Man, that was good, really good. (Shaking my hand) Very well done.
Thinking Fool: Thank you. Have a great night.Posted by fool at 01:25 AM | Comments (6)
