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June 14, 2006
"We figured you'd donate more money if we called you at home."
It’s Sunday morning.
The phone rings.
It’s early.
I’m not entirely pleased that the phone is ringing this early on a Sunday morning.
Thinking Fool: “Hello?” (A second of silence elapses. It’s that familiar second of silence that is immediately followed by a sudden surge of background noise, alerting me to the fact that some bastard telemarketer is on the other end of the phone line.) “Hello?” Why don’t you just hang up before talking to these screwballs?
Habitat Dude: “Hi, is [Thinking Fool] there?”
Thinking Fool: Wow, he didn’t butcher my name. Between telemarketers and Safeway cashiers, my name usually gets butchered like Nicole Brown Simpson was twelve years ago. Has it really been twelve years since O.J. nearly decapitated her? I still remember sitting in the kitchen and eating some salsa as the “CNN Breaking News” graphic crawled across the television. I can't believe Fred Goldman's father hasn't killed that bastard. “Who is this?”
Habitat Dude: “This is [Bozo] from Habitat for Humanity. Are you [Thinking]?”
Thinking Fool: “Yes, I am.” Usually I get antsy when someone calls me “Mr. Fool,” but dare I say that’s how this son-of-a-bitch should be addressing me at this juncture.
Habitat Dude: “Hi, [Thinking]. First, I want to thank you very much for supporting Habitat for Humanity in the past. Your support has really meant a lot to us and enabled us to do great things. Second, I want to”
Thinking Fool: Damn, this guy sounds more hyper than a fourteen-year-old guy whose smoking hot female teacher just passed him a note informing him that he should get to know her from the inside out. “Let me stop you right there. See, I donate money when I can to various charities, including yours. But whenever a charity calls me at home, it really irritates me. So much so that I usually don’t donate to that charity again for a very long time. Thus, if you promise to delete me from your database and also promise never to call me again, I’ll continue to give money from time to time in the future.”
Habitat Dude: “I totally understand and respect that Mr. Fool.”
Thinking Fool: Good, that means he’ll leave me alone. Hmm, he’s calling me “Mr.” all of a sudden. Sounds like the type of guy who dreams about fingering his sister. I wonder where he’s from.
Habitat Dude: “Before I let you go, I want to tell you about a special opportunity.”
Thinking Fool: Wait a minute. Did he just not get the verbal memo? As for the special opportunity, let me guess. Some sponsor has agreed to match all contributions dollar-for-dollar over the next few weeks.
Habitat Dude: “A Habitat sponsor has agreed to match contributions from generous individuals like yourself over the next several weeks.”
Thinking Fool: Damn, I’m good. If only I were this good at my job. WOW! My toenail looks really weird. I’ve been scared to clip them after that ingrown disaster several months ago, but the big one definitely needs a trim.
Habitat Dude: “So, for every dollar you contribute-”
Thinking Fool: This might be one of the dumbest bastards I’ve ever talked to. You can definitely tell that he’s touched a cousin if not his sister. Yet, he’s very friendly, a quality I find endearing. Lord knows his job has to suck more than a high school cheerleading squad on prom night. I wonder if his sister is a cheerleader. Oh hell, I don’t care. I just want to take a nap. “Hmm, I guess I wasn’t clear before or you weren’t listening. Please don’t call me at home anymore. These calls anger me. Thank you.” Click.
I should have told him about the Jimmy Carter entry.
Comments
Good for you. I have a problem being so straightforward with these jerks. Although I did manage to piss off a guy who called twice from the NY Philharmonic last week.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at June 14, 2006 08:19 AM
I have two foolproof ways to either get rid of telemarketers in the future, or at least have fun trying:
1) Grab the nearest reading material you have when a telemarketer rings - it doesn't matter what it is (could be a label, an advertisement, a novel, anything w/ words.) Next, every time a question is asked, respond in a tone that appears responsive to the question, but use one sentence or phrase from the random reading material.
An example conversation:
Q: Is there anyone in the household between the ages of 18 and 35?
A: At this point we find it appropriate comment upon our method of analysis in determining this issue.
Q: Excuse me?
A: The briefs before us are ripe with maxims . . .
2) Hand the phone off to a young child. I like to give mine to our 2 1/2 year old son.
The point of these methods are to
a) have fun (I always end up laughing) and
b) make THEM hang up!!!
Posted by: fermanator at June 14, 2006 09:03 AM
I have a cell phone and only a cell phone. A land line was a rip off last time I checked. Telemarketers can't call me on my cell phone by law. I hope that never changes.
Although I still get spam email...
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at June 14, 2006 05:07 PM
this is why I:
a. Don't have a home phone
b. Didn't answer the phone when I did
c. Play games to outwit them if I ever did
d. Curse at them until they gave up and hung up (You'd be amazed at the abuse they'll take)
e. pick-up and hang-up within 2 seconds
f. Did I say not answer the phone?
As my father has said, 'Just because it's ringing, doesn't mean you have to pick it up'
Sunday morning. Bro, you gotta remember to unplug the phone before bed. It's the most sane advice I can give.
Posted by: B at June 15, 2006 04:44 PM
I had a somewhat bizarre encounter with a telemarketer recently:
Telemarketer (A young woman, I am guessing around 16): “Hello, would you be willing to spend a few minutes taking a radio survey?”
Me: “Sure.” (I view answering telemarketers as a community service.)
T: “What is your age, race and gender?”
ME: “31 year old white male.”
T: “Excellent. I am going to be asking you a few questions related to your radio listening habits.” (Since white males between the ages of 25-40 are a pretty key advertising demographic people always seem to want to know my opinion, which is a bit ludicrous as I have never been a big spender of disposable income on anything outside video games and porn.)
ME: “Shoot.”
T: “How often do you listen to the radio each week?”
ME: “Probably 10-15 hours.”
T: “What radio stations do you listen to most often?”
ME: “NPR and C-SPAN radio.”
T: “Uh, NPR?”
ME: “Yes, National Public Radio.”
T: “I see, and what music stations do you listen to.”
ME: “Hmmm… Well, I don’t really listen to music stations. NPS occasionally plays music between segments and has a bluegrass show on the weekends.”
T: “So you listen to bluegrass?”
ME: “Well, no… But I listen to a station that plays bluegrass occasionally; I just turn it off when the bluegrass is on.”
T: “Have you listened to any music stations at all in the past 6 months.”
ME: “Hmmm… Uh…. No.”
T: “Which radio station are you most likely to listen to on your commute to work in the morning, (at which points she lists off a bunch of popular music stations I have never heard of and cannot remember)?”
ME: “None.”
T: “The question is which are you MOST likely to listen to, not what do you actually listen to…”
ME: “I am aware of that, however I am unsure what music these stations play and do not know what frequency they occupy. Seeing as I have set two presets on my car radio, C-SPAN and NPR, the chances of me listening to a ‘popular’ radio station in the next six months are practically nil barring some form of possession or mind control.”
T: “You never listen to ANY music on the radio?”
At this point in the conversation I realized that my behavior was so far out of what this teenager considered normal that she had a hard time believing what I was saying.
ME: “No.”
T: “Umm, Ok, uhh you see the problem is that National Public Radio isn’t on my list of choices, so I’m just going to put down that you don’t listen to the radio.”
ME: “What? I listen to the radio all the fucking time? NPR is listened to religiously by thousands of people, how can that not be on your list? That’s absurd.”
T: “I can only do what the program lets me do.”
ME: “Well can’t you talk to someone about the inaccuracy of the program?”
T: “Umm I don’t know, I don’t think so. In any event thank you for taking the survey and have a nice day!”
Click.
I suspect that she was worried her superiors might be wondering why she had a 15 minute discussion on radio listening habits with someone who apparently never listened to the radio. God I’m old
Posted by: Jason C at June 19, 2006 08:36 AM
Jason C,
I feel your pain. That telemarketer's family member was equally shocked when I only listed talk stations. They've called me twice in the last year.
Fool
Posted by: Fool at June 19, 2006 09:07 AM
Wow, I wish I had seen this when you posted it. I think these are a great lesson in how surveys and polls rig the results by the questions. I have learned that if I answer truthfully when asked my age the response is almost always "That's all. Thank you for your time" so now I say I am a 25 year old.
Posted by: Lo at July 11, 2006 11:49 AM
