July 28, 2006
Tinkering with the Resume
I’ve been tinkering with my resume lately and am considering including a section at the bottom of it to help differentiate me from other job applicants.
SKILLS, INTERESTS & HEROES
Basic Spanish, Writing, Politics, Movies, George Washington and Clarence Thomas (But only if what Anita Hill said about him is true).
I haven’t determined if this would make me more marketable or not, but I'm leaning towards the "more marketable" camp.
Posted by fool at 12:57 AM | Comments (6)July 27, 2006
To Accept or Reject the Defense? That is the Question!
Five years ago, Andrea Yates killed all five of her children by drowning them in a bathtub. Yesterday, a Texas jury refused to convict her of murdering her kids, finding her not guilty by reason of insanity instead. I fully accept that Yates was crazier than a European soccer fan during the World Cup when she killed her children. But I question whether the insanity defense has worn out its welcome in American jurisprudence. Will society truly be better served by housing Yates in a loony bin for an indefinite period of time than it would be by throwing her in prison for the rest of her life? I don't think so.
Posted by fool at 01:21 AM | Comments (6)July 26, 2006
The Thoughts - They don't get much more Random than This!
To all bar exam takers, good luck on day two, unless, of course, you’re a horrible human being. Then very little luck to you...
Speaking of luck, earlier this week, Coworker #1 and I saw Anna Marie Cox, the original Wonkette, grabbing lunch at Quizno’s. She dined alone. Coworker #1 often feels like he’s dining alone when he dines with me. Can’t say that I blame him...
What I can blame is Last Comic Standing’s television audience. The majority of people who watch this show are clearly apathetic morons. That’s the only way to explain how Roz got voted off. She was easily one of the top two comics on the show, especially since Chris (Willy Wonka) has faltered of late. Not since Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV-positive has there been such an incredible one-person tragedy. Good luck, Roz.
Speaking of tragedies, the world’s most entertaining dictator might need to ask Calista Flockhart for eating advice. Since July 7, Saddam Hussein and three of his co-defendants have been staging a tragic hunger strike, surviving solely on water, coffee, and vitamins. Unlike his June hunger strike, which lasted a whopping one meal, this time Saddam appears to be serious. 
(Surprisingly, the hunger strike’s goal is actually noble. Saddam wants the U.S. to provide increased protection for his defense attorneys, who have gotten picked off more times than Peyton Manning has during big playoff games.) I don’t know about you, but if Saddam can stay on the “Calista” diet for the next few weeks, I think Gemini Pharmaceuticals would be nuts not to sign him to a multimillion dollar deal to be the company’s spokesman for Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. I know I’d buy them, but then again I already do.
What I’ll never knowingly buy is anything that would help add money to New York Giant Quarterback Eli Manning’s coffers. In case you have forgotten, in 2004, Eli Manning was the snot-nosed jerk who threatened to sit out an entire football season if the Chargers actually had the audacity to draft (and keep) him with their number one pick instead of trading him away. Eli pulled this little stunt days after the U.S. government announced that Pat Tillman had died in Afghanistan. Though Tillman ended up being killed by friendly fire, the fact that he walked away from an NFL career to fight for his country is nothing short of breathtaking. Eli, on the other hand, got the willies from the mere thought of being paid money to play football in San Diego. I wonder if he’d like playing in Baghdad more. It’d be nice if someone arranged that!
Posted by fool at 02:10 AM | Comments (2)July 20, 2006
Can't We All Just Get Along? Apparently not.
Call me crazy, but if our government wants to listen to this guy’s phone calls, it’s perfectly okay with me. Also, as a side note, I wonder if Allah's supporters will ever ask him to get a move on. All we hear about is how Allah and his will are going to kick Israel's ass. I'm no world scholar, but I'm pretty sure that for the last sixty years, when it comes to Israel, the Jews have been the New York Yankees while the Muslims have been the Hackensack Bulls.* Either Allah's rehabilitating an injury to his "destroy Israel" muscle or his will isn't what it used to be.
*Kudos to anyone who gets the movie reference. R.I.P., Jerry Orbach, Richard Pryor, and John Candy.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (12)July 19, 2006
The National Enquirer Apologizes to Britney? Say it Ain't So!
Yesterday, the National Enquirer apologized to Britney Spears for publishing two stories that claimed that her marriage to Kevin Federline was over.
"Contrary to what our articles might have suggested, we now accept that their marriage is not over and they are not getting divorced. These allegations are untrue and we now accept Britney's position that the statements are without foundation. We apologize for any distress caused."
Spears quickly accepted the Enquirer’s apology and then issued her own apology “to every person in the world for staying married to my loser husband and letting him knock me up again.” Spears later added, “I should have let Justin T knock me up. Now there’s a real man who happens to have a very cute penis.”
When asked to respond, Cameron Diaz said she had “no comment” about Spears’ remarks, but then stated, through her publicist, “I don’t have time to worry about that trashy bitch. I’m still trying to get Ben Stiller’s come out of my hair.”
Well, that story certainly took a twist I didn’t expect.
Posted by fool at 12:19 AM | Comments (2)July 18, 2006
Bar Exam, Anyone?
It’s a Monday night in late July. You’re holed up in a hotel room praying like you’ve never prayed before. For the last twelve hours, you’ve been an absolute basket case. You’re not sure what a death row inmate feels like in the days leading up to his execution, but you can’t imagine it’s much worse than how you feel now. You’ve had trouble eating recently, but today has been especially difficult. As soon as you glance over at the room clock, you can feel the beads of sweat starting to build on your forehead.
“It is really true?” you wonder. “Do I only have ten more hours before this damn thing begins?”
You’ve had an entire summer to learn the information, but for whatever reason, you find yourself pacing frantically in your room, wondering how the hell you can possibly pass. You check the alarm clock for what must be the twentieth time. You set the alarm on your phone just in case and leave the ringer on, hoping like hell that one of your idiot friends doesn’t call you in the middle of the night.
You take a pill out of its case and swallow it with the aid of some overpriced bottled water. You let out a huge sigh before resting your head on the pillow. Before you close your eyes, you stare straight at the ceiling and actually say, “Please let me sleep tonight, God. Please.” You’ve had more contact with the man upstairs in the last twelve hours than you’ve had in the last twelve years. A used car lot hasn’t seen as much bargaining as your room.
You stand up and check the alarm clock again. It still looks like it’s in perfect working order. You wonder if you should turn off your phone. If the alarm clock doesn’t work, the wake-up call should. “Oh the hell with it,” you think. “Better safe than sorry.”
For the next fifteen minutes, your mind is racing faster than Mario Andretti. “Does he even race anymore?” you wonder. “I’d love to be a racecar driver.”
Your thoughts continue to be sporadic, yet slow down in pace. Ah, yes. The Ambien is finally starting to kick in. Within minutes, you’ll be asleep for good.
You've never been this nervous. Why can't you have one extra day?
Welcome to the night before day one of the bar exam.
BAD NEWS: If you're taking the July bar exam, you're going to have a rough night next Monday.
GOOD NEWS: Rough night aside, you can definitely pass!
BETTER NEWS: Even if you've fallen way behind this summer, there's still one week to absorb a ton of information. Use this week to ensure that you pass! Make sure you read every essay in your Bar/Bri book as well as every answer. That simple exercise will help tremendously. Don't freak out on test day. You don't have to be perfect! You can do this!
BEST NEWS: You don't live in Southern Lebanon.
Posted by fool at 12:43 AM | Comments (10)July 17, 2006
Fun at the G-8
In case you missed it, the following transpired during a break at the G-8 summit.
Reporter: Mr. President, why won’t China take a more aggressive approach in dealing with North Korea?
President Bush: You know, I have absolutely no idea why China has been dragging its feet on this one. After all, her nation’s leaders know a nuke-u-ler North Korea is not a good thing for the region or the world, so, honestly, I’m completely puzzled. What I do know, however, is that for the first time since I became president, I’m really happy that it’s common to refer to countries using feminine pronouns such as “she” and “her,” instead of masculine ones, because China has been acting like a real pussy lately. Vladimir, that goes for your country too.
Not sure if those remarks will help matters at the G-8, but the president's got my total support on this one.
Posted by fool at 01:42 AM | Comments (3)July 13, 2006
Maybe they wouldn't Change the Channel if you Changed the Set!
Does anyone else think The Late Show with David Letterman ought to get a new backdrop? When you consistently find yourself losing to the other guy, perhaps actually making some aesthetic changes to your show would be a good idea. I’m not saying a new set would be a panacea for Letterman’s ratings woes, but the current backdrop is inferior to Leno’s in every way and seems more tired than a goat in a particular Western Kentucky University frat house.
Posted by fool at 06:46 AM | Comments (4)July 12, 2006
"You shouldn't treat your Son like that." "Oh, don't worry about him; he's a Retard!"
If you are the parents of a mentally retarded teenager and your family finds itself vacationing in Washington, D.C., may I suggest that you don’t dress your mentally retarded child in a CCCP t-shirt, especially if the rest of the family is decked out in USA t-shirts! If you’re going to treat him like that, you should have just aborted the poor kid when you had the chance. On the other hand, thank you for standing on the right side of the Metro escalators. That was greatly appreciated.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (9)July 11, 2006
An Open Letter from Kim Jong-il to the American People
Dear American People,
Your leader do not get me. He look at me and see Sweet and Sour Shrimp. This anger me because Sweet and Sour Shrimp is Chinese dish, not Korean. Plus, Sweet and Sour Shrimp not wear cool shades like me. Thus, if you must compare me with food, I much more like Korean Barbecue Beefcake than anything Chinese.
Your president say I launch long-range missile as act of provocation. This not true.
Your president have more difficulty pronouncing “provocation” than I do. I find this very funny. Your John Stewart also laugh about this. I find him very funny too, except for when he laugh at me. That not funny.
You should know that I not launch Taepodong 2 long-range missile to provocate. Why I do this? Chinese bastards already tell me that if shit hit fan, I no get Nike shoes no matter how hard I beg. I like my Nike Shoes. Air Jordan very popular with Korean women. Shoe help me get ladies. Threats of murder and torture also good at getting ladies, but I think they respond more to shoe. Because I cannot risk upsetting Chinese and losing Air Jordans, trust me, I not seek to provocate.
So why I launch missiles if I no provocate? In truth, there is one simple reason.
I had bet with Korean scientist that if Iran lost World Cup match, I either had to dress up in chicken costume or let him launch long-range missile. I am world leader. I cannot dress up in chicken suit. So when Iran lost, I had to launch missile. You would have done same I’m sure.
By the way, when Taepodong 2 not work, I execute scientist. I would have execute him even if missile had work, but it much better excuse when missile fail.
But main reason I write you today is to tell you that despite abysmal failure of recent long-range missile test, I no have incredibly small penis. I don’t want you think that. In truth, my penis quite large, especially by Asian standards. I hold Korean record for longest penis. True, I no Shaq or Ron Jeremy, but I also no Chinese man or average Korean. Please don’t think otherwise. Also, I not crazy.
Sincerely yours,
K-Ji
Kim Jong-il
July 10, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XVIII
Last week the boss was in California enjoying some relaxing time in the sun. On Thursday around 12:30, he called to talk with his secretary. She was out to lunch (in more ways than one), so I temporarily took over phone duties. Apparently before heading to lunch, the boss’ secretary told the boss that she would send him an email containing a very important person’s contact information. She was supposed to do this before grabbing a bite to eat, but forgot. Thus when the boss called, I rummaged through the secretary’s desk, found the necessary contact information, and relayed it to the boss. In all, it took me less than two minutes.
When the boss’ secretary returned from lunch, I told her what happened. It was almost as if I had just cured cancer.
Boss’ Secretary: Fool, thank you so much for covering for me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I owe you big time! Seriously! If there’s anything I can do for you, just name it.
Coworker #1: (To me via instant message) Tell her you'd consider it even if she quits right now.
At last check, she has neither quit her job, nor smoking.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AMJuly 07, 2006
Playing at a Theater near you...
Superman Returns
The Gist: After screwing around in space for half a dozen years, Superman is back and this time he’s a horny stalker. Well, that’s not totally true, but the man of steel certainly has a thing for Lois Lane and wouldn't mind oiling her engine with some of his super fluid. Oh, he also tries to stop Lex Luthor from killing lots of people in a “creative” land acquisition deal. By "creative," I mean "stupid."
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: In most Western nations, it has become customary practice to snip off a portion of baby boys’ penises. It’s a shame that director Bryan Singer didn’t snip off more than just a little figurative foreskin from this film. At just over 2.5 hours, Superman Returns feels longer than Shaq in a sexy midget (this is from the midget’s point of view, of course). And although Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor) and Parker Posey (Lex Luthor’s sidekick) deliver excellent performances, Gene Hackman and Ned Beatty were better. Much better.
Who Should See This: If you love Kevin Spacey, Superman, or simply must stay current with all things pop culture, venture to your local megaplex. For the rest of you, go rent Superman or Superman II. Both films are far better than this one.
The Verdict: There aren’t enough cool scenes to save this stinker. D+.
The Devil Wears Prada
The Gist: Andy, a young, college-educated, aspiring female journalist takes a job as an assistant to Miranda Priestly, the incredibly powerful editor of a fashion magazine and the absolute diva of all divas. Think your boss is a Pendejo? Trust me, he or she doesn’t have a damn thing on Miranda. For nearly a year, we observe Andy deal with Miranda and watch her grow from a fashion-challenged woman with lesbian tendencies into a fashion-trend-embracing cokehead. (I made up the lesbian tendencies and cokehead stuff. I'm sorry.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: If Andy would have actually had some lesbian tendencies from which she was “cured” by the end of the film, it’d be interesting to see if the religious right would advocate on behalf of bitchy bosses and fashion. A slightly stronger plot definitely would have helped. Also, a single gunshot wound to the head of each of the three women sitting immediately behind me would have been nice. I think a bullet in the brain is the only thing that would have shut them up. There really should be “I’m going to talk throughout the entire movie” theaters and “I’m going to keep my mouth closed even if Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba propositions me during the middle of the movie and tells me the offer is only valid in the theater while the movie is playing” theaters.
Who Should See This: Unless you’re completely homophobic (there are some gay characters – it’s fashion after all) or don’t like seeing movies or think the preview looks atrocious, you should.
The Verdict: Meryl Streep is amazing and she alone makes the movie worth seeing. B+.
July 06, 2006
A Sharia Skateboard: Good idea?
Over the weekend, I saw a teenager with the following words plastered across the front of his t-shirt: “Skateboarding is not a crime.” Legislators of America, I believe you've been challenged.
July 05, 2006
Yo, NASA! We've got a new project for you.
Brother Fool: Did you hear about the asteroid that was close to hitting Earth?
Thinking Fool: Yeah.
Brother Fool: Do you think there’s any chance that it was on a collision course with us, but that NASA did something to deflect it?
Thinking Fool: NASA can barely get a space shuttle off the ground. Do you really think it could successfully deflect the trajectory of an asteroid?
Brother Fool: We can certainly hold out hope. Then again, if a medium-sized asteroid were to hit the Middle East, that’d solve a lot of the world’s problems.
Thinking Fool: If only NASA could make that happen!
Here’s my question. If an asteroid wiped out the United States, the Islamofascists would undoubtedly praise Allah for exacting revenge on the Great Satan that is America. But what if an asteroid wiped out the Middle East?
Radical Islamist #1: Oh my goodness! Do you think we’ve been wrong this whole time? Is God really not on our side?
Radical Islamist #2: Don’t be ridiculous. He was targeting the Jews and we were just collateral damage.
Radical Islamist #1: Praise Allah!!Posted by fool at 01:19 AM | Comments (3)
