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July 11, 2006
An Open Letter from Kim Jong-il to the American People
Dear American People,
Your leader do not get me. He look at me and see Sweet and Sour Shrimp. This anger me because Sweet and Sour Shrimp is Chinese dish, not Korean. Plus, Sweet and Sour Shrimp not wear cool shades like me. Thus, if you must compare me with food, I much more like Korean Barbecue Beefcake than anything Chinese.
Your president say I launch long-range missile as act of provocation. This not true.
Your president have more difficulty pronouncing “provocation” than I do. I find this very funny. Your John Stewart also laugh about this. I find him very funny too, except for when he laugh at me. That not funny.
You should know that I not launch Taepodong 2 long-range missile to provocate. Why I do this? Chinese bastards already tell me that if shit hit fan, I no get Nike shoes no matter how hard I beg. I like my Nike Shoes. Air Jordan very popular with Korean women. Shoe help me get ladies. Threats of murder and torture also good at getting ladies, but I think they respond more to shoe. Because I cannot risk upsetting Chinese and losing Air Jordans, trust me, I not seek to provocate.
So why I launch missiles if I no provocate? In truth, there is one simple reason.
I had bet with Korean scientist that if Iran lost World Cup match, I either had to dress up in chicken costume or let him launch long-range missile. I am world leader. I cannot dress up in chicken suit. So when Iran lost, I had to launch missile. You would have done same I’m sure.
By the way, when Taepodong 2 not work, I execute scientist. I would have execute him even if missile had work, but it much better excuse when missile fail.
But main reason I write you today is to tell you that despite abysmal failure of recent long-range missile test, I no have incredibly small penis. I don’t want you think that. In truth, my penis quite large, especially by Asian standards. I hold Korean record for longest penis. True, I no Shaq or Ron Jeremy, but I also no Chinese man or average Korean. Please don’t think otherwise. Also, I not crazy.
Sincerely yours,
K-Ji
Kim Jong-il
Comments
hehe. good work. also, you should do a CTRL + F on that piece, and find and replace all "r"s with "l"s, and vice versa. you know, to make it truly authentic. :P
Posted by: LM at July 11, 2006 01:20 AM
It was great to hear from you Kim. Interesting letter, and very thought provocating.
Posted by: Sidebar--for the other half at July 11, 2006 07:30 AM
I probably should have added "ba-dum-bum" or perhaps "I'm here all week--tell your friends" to the end of my comment above--just to convey thta I was being facetious.
Funny letter, btw.
Posted by: Sidebar-for the other half of the human race at July 11, 2006 11:53 AM
It's the heartfelt letters from those despotic leaders that just take the edge off of their childish actions.
I wonder if he is 'ronery'?
Posted by: thenambypamby at July 11, 2006 12:37 PM
That guy is a freaking nut job. Very scary.
Posted by: LisaBinDaCity at July 11, 2006 12:50 PM
Dear Mr. Kim: somehow you are strangely reminiscent to me of my tae kwon do master.
Posted by: teahouseblossom at July 12, 2006 10:43 PM
