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July 07, 2006
Playing at a Theater near you...
Superman Returns
The Gist: After screwing around in space for half a dozen years, Superman is back and this time he’s a horny stalker. Well, that’s not totally true, but the man of steel certainly has a thing for Lois Lane and wouldn't mind oiling her engine with some of his super fluid. Oh, he also tries to stop Lex Luthor from killing lots of people in a “creative” land acquisition deal. By "creative," I mean "stupid."
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: In most Western nations, it has become customary practice to snip off a portion of baby boys’ penises. It’s a shame that director Bryan Singer didn’t snip off more than just a little figurative foreskin from this film. At just over 2.5 hours, Superman Returns feels longer than Shaq in a sexy midget (this is from the midget’s point of view, of course). And although Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor) and Parker Posey (Lex Luthor’s sidekick) deliver excellent performances, Gene Hackman and Ned Beatty were better. Much better.
Who Should See This: If you love Kevin Spacey, Superman, or simply must stay current with all things pop culture, venture to your local megaplex. For the rest of you, go rent Superman or Superman II. Both films are far better than this one.
The Verdict: There aren’t enough cool scenes to save this stinker. D+.
The Devil Wears Prada
The Gist: Andy, a young, college-educated, aspiring female journalist takes a job as an assistant to Miranda Priestly, the incredibly powerful editor of a fashion magazine and the absolute diva of all divas. Think your boss is a Pendejo? Trust me, he or she doesn’t have a damn thing on Miranda. For nearly a year, we observe Andy deal with Miranda and watch her grow from a fashion-challenged woman with lesbian tendencies into a fashion-trend-embracing cokehead. (I made up the lesbian tendencies and cokehead stuff. I'm sorry.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: If Andy would have actually had some lesbian tendencies from which she was “cured” by the end of the film, it’d be interesting to see if the religious right would advocate on behalf of bitchy bosses and fashion. A slightly stronger plot definitely would have helped. Also, a single gunshot wound to the head of each of the three women sitting immediately behind me would have been nice. I think a bullet in the brain is the only thing that would have shut them up. There really should be “I’m going to talk throughout the entire movie” theaters and “I’m going to keep my mouth closed even if Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba propositions me during the middle of the movie and tells me the offer is only valid in the theater while the movie is playing” theaters.
Who Should See This: Unless you’re completely homophobic (there are some gay characters – it’s fashion after all) or don’t like seeing movies or think the preview looks atrocious, you should.
The Verdict: Meryl Streep is amazing and she alone makes the movie worth seeing. B+.
Comments
I watched the Devil Wears Prada with my girlfriend and a few of her friends. It was definitely one of the better films that I have seen in recent years.
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at July 7, 2006 05:26 PM
I hated the Devil Wears Prada book, and I've sworn never to see the movie. I think the author lacks talent and I think she's the one laughing all the way to the bank.
Oh, and sorry, but you're wrong about male circumcision in the West. The U.S. is the only major Western country wherein more than 50% of the male population is routinely circumcised for non-religious reasons. And that number is rapidly shrinking. In most of Latin America, it's never done. In the UK, the circumcision rate is something like 2%. And in Canada, the percentage was less than 50% in the 1960s and is believed to be much lower now.
Sorry, I wrote a paper on this once so I'm a repository of facts on male circumcision! :o)
Posted by: teahouseblossom at July 7, 2006 11:26 PM
Teahouseblossom, Wait a minute, the United States is not the only Western country? My world just crumbled. :-) Fool
Posted by: Fool at July 7, 2006 11:47 PM
Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert was in serious condition at Northwestern Memorial Hospital on Sunday following an emergency operation to repair complications from an earlier cancer surgery.
If he can't continue with his job, FOOL may replace him...
You just saved me 4 more hours.
Posted by: W at July 8, 2006 09:58 AM
every penis I have ever seen had had a circumcision. I have been to Canada, I have been to South America, I have even been to Europe and every cock I saw looked the way the lord intended, free of excess skin on top. Tea, I do not know where you get your facts from, but my source is very reliable and very large.
Posted by: pretty at July 8, 2006 01:28 PM
Pretty,
What is your sample size? For a statistically accurate sampling you would proabably need a sample size of at least 200 cocks per region.
So unless you were employed at a urologists, a massage parlor, or were EXTREMELY popular your ancedotal evidence may be faulty.
Of course, it also depends on the context in which you saw the cocks. Circumcision may be skewed to a particular economic (probably wealthier) demographic.
Posted by: Jason C at July 8, 2006 11:56 PM
I finally watched Superman and I was surprised, it was not as bad as I thought it would be... Although I do not approve of who they casted for Lois Lane, her forehead is WAY TOO BIG and aside from that she simply does not fit the role well.
Posted by: Finished.Law.School at July 9, 2006 09:16 PM
