August 31, 2006
Playing at a Theater near you...
Little Miss Sunshine
The Gist: A little girl and her family travel across the country in a decrepit VW van so she can take part in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty contest, a contest which she has about as much chance of winning as Matt Leinart does of remaining celibate the rest of the year. (Until the media reported that his [ex-]girlfriend was pregnant, I always assumed he was saving himself for marriage. Didn’t you?) Her family consists of a sex-crazed, outspoken grandfather (Alan Arkin), a wannabe motivational speaker/author father (Greg Kinnear), a teenage brother who takes a vow of silence to focus on his goal of getting into the Air Force (random kid who looks like one of the Columbine shooters), and a gay uncle who just tried to kill himself after losing his job as a professor for stalking a student (Steve Carell).
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing. This one is great. It’s laugh out loud funny. I want to see it again. You will too.
Who Should See This: You should unless you're a complete and total jerk.
The Verdict: Best film of the year. A.
Invincible
The Gist: Mark Wahlberg and his fellow South Philly friends have lives that would make the Pope consider sanctioning suicide. (Maybe my job isn’t so bad after all.) They play regular tackle football games (no pads) against patrons from a rival bar and bloody themselves up more than a pirate with a penchant for using his hook in the bedroom. When Dick Vermeil (Greg Kinnear) comes roaring into town, he offers Philadelphians the chance to try out for their beloved Eagles. After much prodding, Mark Wahlberg does exactly that, and what do you know, he overcomes the odds and makes the team.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: There’s a street football scene towards the middle of the movie that is more melodramatic than an entire month’s worth of programming on Lifetime. Aside from that, this film is surprisingly good from start to finish. It sure as hell doesn’t make you want to live in South Philly though! What a dump!
Who Should See This: Football fans, Mark Wahlberg fans (he's getting up there in age, but still looks like he could model Calvin Klein underwear for eternity), Greg Kinnear fans (he's one of the most underrated actors alive), and anyone else who wants to see your standard inspirational film.
The Verdict: A surprisingly good effort. A-.
August 30, 2006
If Only I could Always Sit Next to People Like This...
On a recent flight, I had the luxury of sitting next to a highly successful businessman who fixes companies for a living. He told me a story that you can’t help but love.
A few years ago, the successful businessman was in a fancy D.C. restaurant having dinner with a friend he hadn’t seen in a few years. Seated a few tables away was none other than a United States Senator. The senator was surrounded by his posse, and apparently they were louder than Amber Frey in the fifteenth minute of a first date.
After about ten minutes of hearing nothing but noise, the successful businessman strolled over to the senator’s table.
Successful Businessman: Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt, but my friend and I haven’t seen each other in a few years and are trying to enjoy a nice dinner, but are having difficulty doing that because you guys are really loud. Do you mind keeping the noise down just a bit? We’d really appreciate it.
Apparently, the senator did not appreciate the successful businessman’s words and decided to pull the “senator” card.
Senator: (Looking disgusted and shocked) Do you know who I am?
Successful Businessman: (Nodding his head) Yeah, I do know who you are. (Pausing for a second) And you know what? FUCK YOU. Be quiet!
According to the successful businessman, that's all it took for the senator and company to keep the noise level down!
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (7)August 28, 2006
The Random Brain Drain: An Emmy Evening, A Deplorable Diva, Virgin Variety, and More!
APPARENTLY I’m not the only one who thought spoofing an airplane crash was inappropriate during last night’s Emmy Awards in light of the fact that a commercial airplane crashed in the United States early Sunday morning. What say you?
IS THERE a more horrible person than Cami from Laguna Beach? My God, if her parents watch television and are happy with how their daughter has turned out (assuming MTV has portrayed her somewhat accurately), they ought to be sent to southern Iraq wearing “Sunnis Kick Ass” t-shirts. At least Kendra, Cami’s evil friend, is somewhat physically attractive. Cami, on the other hand, doesn’t bring a single thing to the table and probably couldn’t even get any of the men from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator programs to pay her a visit. (The latter is probably true because she’s over the age of 14, but that's irrelevant; she's still a rotten person.)
WHEN THE martyrs die (after flying airplanes into buildings or blowing up innocent civilians), are all the virgins that await them in heaven Muslim women or does Allah mix it up a bit? The Fool definitely needs some serious religious scholars to field this one.
IF YOU visit this site even semi-regularly, you are well aware of how close I am with Papa Fool. Just so you get a more complete picture, Mama Fool and I are every bit as close. No Fool could have better parents. Both of them know how I feel. Now you do too.
IF I HAD been directing the Emmy telecast last night, although I would have scrapped the airplane crash sequence at the beginning of the show, I would have kept everything else. Last night’s program was the best awards show I have ever seen. Jay Leno, feel free to retire early so Conan can take over pronto. Conan, feel free to anoint me successor to your program. Mohammad, feel free to make a return visit to Earth to tell your cheering section to lighten up a little bit. Scientists, feel free to invent a time machine so I can go back in time and take a different job out of law school.
LATER in the week, reviews of Little Miss Sunshine and Invincible. Until then, may your Monday be as marvelous as Marvin Hagler unless you're a child molester. Then, may a pit bull mistake your penis for a "Beggin' Strip."
Posted by fool at 12:29 AM | Comments (14)August 24, 2006
A Screaming Time
True or False?
There is never a reason for a boss to publicly berate an employee in the workplace by screaming so loudly that everyone within half a mile can hear the verbal sodomization.
My answer to that question is true, which is one of many reasons that my employees will enjoy working for me when I'm a boss. (If I'm never a boss, I guess I'll look back and wonder if I should have been a screamer.)
Posted by fool at 12:41 AM | Comments (12)August 22, 2006
An Open Letter to Flight Attendants and Fellow Airline Passengers
Dear Flight Attendants and Passengers Seated Next to Me on Airplanes,
AIRPLANE FOOD NEVER TRUMPS SLEEP. Thus, if you see me sleeping on a plane, please do not poke me with your fingers to ensure that I am awake when the meal is served. In fact, the next time you do this, even if done in good faith, I will poke you back (in your eye) with a pencil and also accidentally urinate on your shoes just to drive the point home.
If I were a starving child in Somalia or a Labrador retriever, I would undoubtedly forgo a few winks of sleep in favor of a few bites of food. I also would probably eat my own poop, at least if I were a Lab, but that is not relevant for our purposes.
Airline food is a notch above leftovers from a homeless shelter. Airline sleep, on the other hand, is more valuable than Allah's supply of virgins (they've been in high demand lately). Now that you know these simple truths, please behave accordingly. Otherwise my streak of not peeing on people's shoes will be ended, and that would not be a good thing.
Fondly,
Fool
August 17, 2006
Randomness: Kidnapping, Sluttypants, Dr. Uninspiring, the Chinese Diplomat & America's Got Talent
UNLESS you’ve been in a coma, you’re undoubtedly aware that Israel and Hezbollah have entered into a ceasefire that will probably last slightly longer than the high school chess club president on prom night. This particular ceasefire certainly isn’t keeping some of the degenerates in the Middle East from acting like lowlifes (i.e. like my ex-brother-in-law). On Monday night, a group of terrorist thugs kidnapped two Fox News journalists, and as of this writing, no demands or ransom requests have been made. That concerns me. Usually these guys are quick to ask someone, on behalf of Allah of course, to release eight hundred suicide-bomb-loving prisoners in exchange for captured hostages. But this time, there hasn’t been a peep. So keep your fingers crossed that Steve Centanni and Olaf Wiig don’t become the stars of Chopping Off The Infidels’ Heads, Part XVI. Here’s to also hoping that Muhammad will appear in all of his followers’ dreams and encourage them to switch from the very alluring beheading fetish to an Asian fetish.
SPEAKING of some type of fetish, is “Sluttypants” a good nickname for a significant other? One of my neighbors apparently thinks so. He also thinks it’s cool to leave notes for “Sluttypants” taped to the front door of their apartment in plain view to all passersby. I haven’t read any yet, but I’m certainly tempted.
I'M ALSO tempted to seek a second medical opinion. Riddle me crazy, but don’t you think a reasonably prudent orthopedic surgeon would actually take x-rays before removing a patient’s cast or at least before issuing a proclamation that the patient’s broken bone is completely healed? Over the last few months, Dr. Uninspiring has caused me to develop a fine appreciation for what so many unsuspecting bastards must feel like when my degenerate ex-brother-in-law ends up treating them at their local Emergency Room. I guess I should take some solace in knowing that if I ever need to file a personal injury case against Dr. Uninspiring, I shouldn’t have any problem proving that he breached the basic duty of care.
UNFORTUNATELY, I also won’t have any future problems with the Chinese Diplomat. Much to my chagrin, he and his wife no longer live in my apartment complex.
ONE OF the more complex questions I’ve asked myself this summer is how I got sucked into watching America’s Got Talent. For better or worse, I’ve been a regular viewer since the first night. As an invested viewer who watched last night’s final competition, I think I’ll have a heart attack if Quick Change ends up winning the million dollar prize tonight. For those of you who don’t watch the show, “Quick Change” is a two-person act that basically involves a woman changing clothes in record time while a guy stands around and thinks about touching himself. I’ve seen this act in person when it’s been the halftime show at some NBA games. Don’t get me wrong, what Mr. and Mrs. Quick Change do is impressive the first time you see it. And I’m certainly all in favor of the woman in the act teaching all women how to get in and out of clothes as quickly as she does. However, how these two screwballs made it into the final ten acts on America’s Got Talent is a total mystery to me. A pedophile priest couldn’t ride his favorite altar boy as hard as these two have ridden their act into the ground.
August 15, 2006
Giving Props where Props are Due
I don't think I've ever created a post just to link to another blog, but this particular entry over at Barely Legal is simply phenomenal. What a tale!
Posted by fool at 09:26 PM | Comments (4)I wonder if Barry Manilow Wrote a Song about This
Sister Fool and I often find ourselves reminiscing about life at our elementary school.
Thinking Fool: Do you think there’s ever been a person who has gotten angrier than Mr. P used to get during Music class?
Sister Fool: (Laughing) Oh my God! He used to get furious!
Thinking Fool: Looking back, can you blame him? We were pretty bad.
Sister Fool: True. I just remember how huge his testicles were.
Thinking Fool: Yeah, that...what?
Apparently Mr. P's tight khaki pants showed off his kickball-sized balls. In the words of Johnny Carson, "I did not know that."
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (1)August 11, 2006
One month until the five-year Anniversary
In the world's war against terrorism, to profile or not to profile? That is the question.
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (7)August 09, 2006
"My Name is Joe, and I'm incapable of accepting defeat."
Last night, Senator Joseph Lieberman conceded the U.S. Senate primary to fellow Democrat Ned Lamont. Even though that ought to be the end of Lieberman, the Connecticut senator vowed to run for reelection as an independent on the November ballot, and all polls indicate that he’ll probably win the general election.
I like Senator Lieberman and generally favor independents. However, this guy needs to learn how to live life without completely hedging his bets. First it was the 2000 election when he simultaneously ran as the Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate and for the United States Senate. Now, he loses to a fellow Democrat in the primary; so he vows to carry on as an Independent.
The voters have spoken, Joe. You lost. It’s time to go home. For the love of God, it's time to go home. (Also, Mel Gibson said he doesn't like you.)
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (9)August 08, 2006
Emptying the Random Junk from the Trunk (of my brain)
Yesterday Cuban officials acted like a bunch of whiny idiots on My Super Sweet 16, bragging that they had achieved a peaceful succession of power. I don’t want to completely rain on the Cuban officials’ parade, but getting excited about having a peaceful transition of power in 2006 is sort of like getting excited about having electricity or indoor plumbing. (For all my readers in West Virginia, disregard that last sentence; you should continue to be proud of every advance your state makes.)
Why do British people usually have mouths filled with teeth that are more crooked than Richard Nixon, Kenneth Lay, and Duke Cunningham combined? It’s very distracting to give directions to a person who looks like she has a bear trap in her mouth.
Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Peter Jennings' death. The void he left has not been filled. R.I.P., Peter.
A study released yesterday indicates that teenagers who regularly listen to music containing lyrics with explicit references to casual sex are more likely to initiate sexual intercourse and take part in other sexual activity compared with students who don’t listen to such music. Did we really need a study to tell us this? The next thing they'll tell us is that kids who smoke, have tattoos, and drink frequently are more sexually active than priests. (Catholic bashers, consider that a knee-high softball slowly drifting to the plate.)
One parting thought, wouldn’t the world be a much better place if all women sported ponytails? Of course, this question is rhetorical because we all know the answer is a resounding YES!
August 07, 2006
As Charles Grodin put it in Midnight Run, “These people depend on tips for a living!”
Overhead at brunch yesterday...
Twentysomething-Year-Old Woman #1: (Fumbling with the bill) Let’s see, the total is $28. Let me see if I have enough cash.
Twentysomething-Year-Old Woman #2: Here, I have ten that I can put in.
Twentysomething-Year-Old Woman #1: Oh great! That gives us $31 total. That’s plenty, right?
Twentysomething-Year-Old Woman #2: Definitely! But you know what? I think we should leave an extra dollar just because unlike most places in this city, this place never tries to rush you out. Plus, our waitress was really good today.
Twentysomething-Year-Old Woman #1: Sounds good.
I wish these two philanthropists were being sarcastic, but considering their conversation and actions, they really think leaving a three dollar tip on a $28 bill (roughly 11%) is good while leaving 4 dollars (roughly 14%) is phenomenal. To summarize my feelings on the situation, had the waitress pulled out a shotgun and murdered them, I would have testified on her behalf (as long as she didn’t get any blood on me).
Seriously, I’ve noticed a string of horrendous tipping lately, so it’s time for a little public service announcement on behalf of waiters and waitresses nationwide. A 20% tip is pretty much the standard these days. If they’re barely competent, then you might want to leave 15%. If they are absolutely atrocious (i.e. you notice some pubic hair in your food), then consider leaving 10%. But if everything goes smoothly, tip at least 20%. If you can’t afford to leave that much, don’t go out. Otherwise, people will realize that you’re a cheap bastard.
Posted by fool at 01:23 AM | Comments (23)August 02, 2006
Mel Gibson: The Original Statement
Yesterday Mel Gibson released a statement apologizing for his actions during a recent DUI arrest. Due to amazing connections, ThinkingFool.com has managed to acquire Gibson's original statement, i.e. the words he wrote before his publicist started editing. Gibson's original comments appear in bolded type. It's really amazing to see how much editing his publicist had to do.
It’s really a shame to admit this, but since I’ve already pretty much let the cat out of the bag, I might as well make it crystal clear: without Jews the world would be a wonderful place. There I said it. There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark.
My father always told me that Jews do wicked things, and yet I’m supposed to apologize to the Jews and that Jew cop for embracing the truth. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.
Because I’m famous, I have banged a lot of women just by opening my mouth. Actually, now that I think about it, those women had their mouths open for longer periods of time than I did. Someone make sure to bring me a beer soon. [Don’t keep the beer line in the statement unless you think it makes me sound more human.] I am a public person, and when I say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my words carry weight in the public arena.
Using fame to get laid is amazing, but being famous really sucks when people get pissed off at you for saying stuff everyone believes. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words.
Take the Catholic Church for example. It’s been a fucking mess ever since Vatican II. Before that, the Church’s ideals were much more admirable, particularly because the Church wasn’t remotely tolerant of the Jews. The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life.
Not to jump off on a tangent, but do you know that I honestly cry every time I see a Jew baby, knowing that he or she will grow up to be a no good, thieving Jew inspired by the Devil? Every human being is God’s child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children.
Seriously, that absolutely breaks my heart. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite.
But what can you really do about it? Not a damn thing. You can’t change the Jews, the Asians, or the Blacks. They’re going to do what they want to do. I am not a bigot.
And don’t even get me started on the Mexicans. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.
Back to the point, I don’t need the stupid Jews to make any money. I’m not just asking for forgiveness.
For crying out loud, don’t they have enough gold bars stashed away in their closets without trying to ruin my career? What I wouldn’t give to be able to meet some of the richest Jews and steal their money just like they steal hard working people’s money every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.
I admit that driving drunk wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever done, but I didn’t crash my car, so I’ve demonstrated that I can drive drunk safely, so you people ought to just back off. I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone.
I’ll tell you one thing. The best thing about being drunk is that you can say what you think without the normal worries of how people will interpret your words! I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery.
Actually, in my heart of hearts, I know I didn’t do a damn thing wrong over the weekend. Not one damn thing. It’d be different if I hurt someone. But think about it, would you rather drive next to a drunk Mel Gibson or a sober Asian woman, or God forbid, a Lexus-driving Jewish American Princess? Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help.
I bet the country embraces my comments just like they embraced Senator Bulworth. Hmm, that was a fucking movie character, wasn’t it? Crap, I can’t think of a better comparison. [Fix this line up, guys. Think of someone better than Bulworth.] I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable.
[Think of some Jew joke and insert it for me, guys. I’m tired and need a drink.] But I pray that that door is not forever closed.
To close, just remember something. I’m a blockbuster movie man, yet I’m supposed to believe that people are going to get upset because of a few insightful, cutting comments about the Jews? What a crock! This is not about a film.
The next thing you know, someone will tell me that people will get upset if I draw a portrait of some Christ-killing Jews. Nor is it about artistic license.
Well, guess what. I don’t give a damn. Let the Jews be angry. This is about real life and recognizing the consequences hurtful words can have.
Lord knows they start all the wars everywhere anyway. It[’]s about existing in harmony in a world that seems to have gone mad.Posted by fool at 02:40 AM | Comments (15)
August 01, 2006
But if his Doctor Said That, How do You Explain This?
I'm very confused. In May, the doctor who heads Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro's medical team said Castro would live to be 140 years old. Now it appears that Castro is gravely ill. Castro is just days away from celebrating his 80th birthday, which is an impressive milestone, but 60 years short of age 140. So, if he's going to live to be 140, how exactly can he be this ill at age 80? I just don't understand. If my incompetent, degenerate ex-brother-in-law made the original diagnosis, the story would make more sense. Short of that, I'm baffled.
Posted by fool at 01:47 AM | Comments (4)