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August 22, 2006
An Open Letter to Flight Attendants and Fellow Airline Passengers
Dear Flight Attendants and Passengers Seated Next to Me on Airplanes,
AIRPLANE FOOD NEVER TRUMPS SLEEP. Thus, if you see me sleeping on a plane, please do not poke me with your fingers to ensure that I am awake when the meal is served. In fact, the next time you do this, even if done in good faith, I will poke you back (in your eye) with a pencil and also accidentally urinate on your shoes just to drive the point home.
If I were a starving child in Somalia or a Labrador retriever, I would undoubtedly forgo a few winks of sleep in favor of a few bites of food. I also would probably eat my own poop, at least if I were a Lab, but that is not relevant for our purposes.
Airline food is a notch above leftovers from a homeless shelter. Airline sleep, on the other hand, is more valuable than Allah's supply of virgins (they've been in high demand lately). Now that you know these simple truths, please behave accordingly. Otherwise my streak of not peeing on people's shoes will be ended, and that would not be a good thing.
Fondly,
Fool
Comments
Has this been a continuous streak since you were just a wee boy, or did it just begin recently? In other words, did it only just recently begin anew?
If so, I hereby order you to reveal your identity so that we can all ensure that we avoid sitting within pee range of you on a plane.
Posted by: Moi at August 22, 2006 08:34 AM
Dear Fool,
Thank you for your insightful feedback. The TSA has been alerted and you will now be selected for 'special screening' for each and every flight you take in the future. Also, your name has been added to the Bus, Train, and Cabbie Watch list. We hope you will enjoy the cavity search before you board our aircraft and will be so 'enlightened' that you will be unable to fall asleep. Hopefully you will fly with us again and we can introduce you to our Air Marshal, he's really a good man with a taser.
Sit Back, Relax, and will bring you some ice for the pain caused by the rectal probe,
Your Flight Attendant
Posted by: thenambypamby at August 22, 2006 09:11 AM
Really?? Someone poked you to test for interest in airplane food?? First of all, I didn't even know they were still SERVING airplane food. Secondly, what would make anyone think that you would prefer that CRAP to sleeping the flight away??
Posted by: LawNut at August 22, 2006 11:37 AM
Who in their right mind would miss a meal of boiled chicken and pre-packaged rehydrated potatoe salad? A mad-man, thats who!
Also, congrads on your long streak of not peeing in anyone's shoes, you are the standard I strive to live up to. :)
Posted by: First Year at August 22, 2006 08:46 PM
Remember that short-lived Hooters Airlines that was going on for a while? Do you think they served their wings in-flight? If so, wake me up for that shit!
Posted by: LB at August 23, 2006 07:45 PM
i like airplane food and i like when the air hostess wakes me up so i can eat my airplane food. does that make me a sicko?
Posted by: donna fantastica at August 23, 2006 08:04 PM
I will poke you back (in your eye) with a pencil and also accidentally urinate on your shoes just to drive the point home.
I thought you weren't allowed to bring fluids onto a plane.
Posted by: Neel Mehta at August 24, 2006 02:15 AM
hey TF, i'm having problems posting a comment on your most recent post. i dunno if it's me (entirely possible), you, or some vast right-wing conspiracy (highly probable) . . . is there any way to fix it, by chance? gracias. oops, i mean, thanks. :)
Posted by: LM at August 25, 2006 10:55 PM
