September 28, 2006
The Answer is...
Thinking Fool: I'll take Miscellaneous for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: Answer: This sucks more than a fluffer on a porn set.
Thinking Fool: What is moving from one apartment to another apartment, Alex?
Alex Trebek: Correct!
Now that one friend canceled on me, I have approximately 48 hours to find a person or two to help me move from the District of Columbia to Northern Virginia. I should have hired movers. I also should have moved when most of my law school friends still lived in the District!
Posted by fool at 12:50 AM | Comments (7)September 26, 2006
Thanks for the Inspiration, Larry (King)
APPARENTLY Steven Tyler has Hepatitis C. I know this is upsetting for Aerosmith fans, but wouldn’t it be a bigger story if Steven Tyler did NOT have Hepatitis C?
FROM THE “In Case You Missed it File...” Last week, an Istanbul Court acquitted Elif Shafak, a leading Turkish author (who also happens to be an assistant professor at the University of Arizona) of “insulting Turkishness” in a novel that touches on the mass killings of Armenians during the waning years of the Ottoman Empire. Ms. Shafak was prosecuted under Article 301 of Turkey’s penal code, which apparently isn’t down with insulting all that is Turkey. The Turkish Prime Minister – though pleased with Shafak’s acquittal (so he says) – tacitly approved the law by stating, “Criticism is one thing, insulting is another.” To quote Romy (or was it Michelle?) from that horrible movie, “Umm, okay!” Some Turkish lawyers (these are lawyers, so presumably they are educated and actually have jobs) burned a picture of Shafak in protest of her acquittal outside the courthouse. Building a giant dome around the entire Middle East never seemed so feasible! This would be a good service project and should be done right after we build a fence along the Mexican border.
SPEAKING of the Mexican border, did you catch Desperate Housewives on Sunday? I did and it left me feeling quite optimistic about this season. In fact, it left me with the exact opposite feeling that I have about the Middle East. On that cheerio note, toodaloo! (Click the word in case you don't know how to use toodaloo in a sentence).
Posted by fool at 01:13 AM | Comments (2)September 22, 2006
Playing at a Theater Near You... (Unless You want to see the Second Movie and Live in a Small Town/Red State)
The Last Kiss
The Gist: A 29-year-old dude (Zach Braff – I had never heard of this joker before I saw this movie) who loves his beautiful girlfriend (nobody has ever heard of her even after this movie) finds himself scared to death after she gets pregnant because he realizes that he’s really growing up and worries that his entire life will be devoid of surprises from here on out. Meanwhile, a younger, beautiful girl (Rachel Bilson – Summer from The OC) lets him know that she is quite interested in getting to know him, if not in a complete Biblical sense, at least in a “this is not appropriate because I might touch you in an inappropriate place at some point in the future” sense. Throw in great performances from Tom Wilkinson, Blythe Danner, and a ton of younger actors, as well as an awesome script that is laugh-out-loud funny yet realistic at the same time, and what do you know, you’ve got one hell of a movie!
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Nothing. This one is great. I overheard a bunch of college students panning the movie as I left the theater, so perhaps you have to be closer to 30 than 20 to truly enjoy it. Nevertheless, I thought it was entertaining from start to finish. Even the presence of an Affleck brother (Casey) did not detract from this film. (Ben's presence probably would have destroyed it.)
Who Should See This: You.
The Verdict: Excellent! Now I must see Garden State to see if this Zach Braff joker has two superb works under his belt. A.
This Film is Not Yet Rated
The Gist: Ever wonder how the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) really rates movies (i.e. R, PG-13, NC-17, etc.)? Well, neither did I, but after reading a review in a local paper, I figured it’d be fun to find out. This documentary exposes the highly secretive process of rating movies as being, well, highly secretive and apparently not that consistent. The raters also seem far more concerned about young people seeing sex than they are about young people seeing violence. Shocking, I know. (The sky is blue too in case you didn’t know that.)
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Just about everyone who appears on camera is on the “MPAA Sucks” team. However, no one offers any great solutions about how to create a better ratings system. Thus, a solution would have been nice.
Who Should See This: If you like Michael Moore-style films, then you’ll undoubtedly like this one. Jack Valenti haters should also see this (the film makes Valenti seem about as incompetent as Donald Rumsfeld and about as evil as Osama Bin Laden). Obviously, anyone who is curious about the MPAA should venture to a theater as well. Finally, John Waters is absolutely hysterical when he is interviewed. That man needs to stop directing and start starring! If you enjoy him, go to the theater for his discussion about felching!
The Verdict: Without any solutions, it just seemed like a bunch of whining jackballs towards the end. Nevertheless, it was entertaining for the most part, and I didn’t feel like slitting my wrists at any point during the film, which is always a good thing. B-.
September 21, 2006
Call me a Thinking Bulimic because it's time to Purge the Random Thoughts from my Head!
1. WITH ALL of NASA’s problems, do you still think we should refer to really smart people as “rocket scientists?” At this point, isn’t that sort of an insult?
2. CONVERSATIONS AT WORK: Volume XXI
Coworker #1: Today the intern asked me why I hated her. (Three seconds of silence.) I didn’t have a good answer.
That’s because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Yes, Coworker #1 has a sensitive side.
3. I WATCHED Studio 60 on Monday. It’s one of NBC’s alleged great hits this season. If the first episode is as good as it gets, this one has about as likely a chance of becoming a hit as I do of becoming a female prostitute.
4. PREDICTION TIME: The Republicans will retain control over both houses of Congress. (If my prediction comes true, the Democrats ought to just give up for good.)
5. MORE POPE TALK! The Pope should not go to Turkey, so says the man who tried to assassinate the last Pope. Mehmet Ali Agca said Pope “Ratzinger’s” life is in danger and that he’d be crazy to come to Turkey. He also told the Pope to resign for the good of the world and appoint an Italian cardinal in his place. This is where it gets good. “Then the Vatican should become a centre of peace and fraternity. The world has a need of this[.] [I]t does not need hatred and vendetta.” You couldn’t make this stuff up even if you wanted to. Next thing you know, Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents will write a “How to Raise a Successful Child” parenting book.
6. I HAVE A GOOD poll for Gallup or the Wall Street Journal or anyone else for that matter. Poll the world’s 1.2 billion Muslims and ask one question: “If a cartoonist draws a cartoon depicting Muhammad, should the cartoonist be executed?” That ought to give us an idea of just how many whack-jobs there are within the so-called religion of peace.
7. TOMORROW, MOVIE REVIEWS for This Film is Not Yet Rated and The Last Kiss. One is definitely worth seeing, especially if you’re not a poophead.
Posted by fool at 01:03 AM | Comments (2)September 18, 2006
“Okay! Okay! I’ll say it!” Exclaimed the Pope. “UNCLE!”
Last week, in a speech at the University of Regensburg, the Pope quoted a medieval text which suggested that the only new stuff that Muhammad brought to the table was evil and inhuman. Apparently Byzantine Emperor Manuel II Paleologus, the man the Pope quoted, didn’t like Muhammad much, especially the latter’s command “to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”
As seems to be the norm, numerous Muslims responded to the Pope’s speech in a very mature, tame manner by burning effigies of the Pope and calling for his death. 
John Stuart Mill’s Marketplace of Ideas theory doesn’t seem like it’s gained much traction in the Middle East. But it’s easy to understand why – after all, it’s far simpler to just murder those who disagree with you than to actually try to convince them why they are wrong. And God forbid they actually challenge any of your core beliefs.
In addition to burning various things, it appears that, in retaliation for the Pope’s comments, some charming gents in Somalia, a country that ought to have a giant retractable dome built around it and then have the dome imploded, may have murdered a Catholic nun. Well, there’s no doubt that the nun was murdered – there’s just a question as to whether she was murdered because the Pope hinted that Islam might be evil. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to put a large sum of money on the “Yes, that was their motive for murdering her” option.
Yesterday, the Pope apologized for his remarks. After all, how dare he even hint that Islam, the ultimate religion of peace, might actually be evil? I know the world would undoubtedly be more violent without Islam in it – there certainly would be more airplanes flying into buildings in the name of God and more cars exploded outside buildings in the name of God if Allah was scrapped from the mix. And yes, I realize that America (the Great Satan) and Great Britain (the mini Satan) and Australia (mini-mini Satan) and other predominantly non-Muslim nations have killed millions of people in wars and battles. I just don’t think those nations kill in the name of Jesus or Moses. Even the evangelical George W. Bush doesn’t say we’re in Iraq or Afghanistan because that’s what Jesus wants.
To the best of my knowledge of the five major religions – Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism – Islam is the only one that CURRENTLY has a bunch of bozos roaming around trying to blow things up in the name of God. I know Christians invoked God’s name to justify the Crusades and numerous atrocities in the past, but the Pope’s grandparents’ grandparents’ grandparents’ grandparents weren’t even around for those battles. So isn’t it time to cite some more recent precedent? It’d be like going to court and quoting a 15th century British Common Law case instead of a current statute or recent case law.
How much free time do these people (the ones who seem to hang on every non-Muslims’ words) have anyway? Maybe if they’d spend a little less time burning things and protesting some religious guy’s comments and a little more time trying to regain control over their peaceful religion from the extremists who have hijacked it, the world would be a little better place.
I assume that the great majority of Muslims are incredibly peaceful people. I know I have Muslim friends who are way cool. But the fanatical wing of that religion is so vocal and powerful. And, I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t hear much of a counterattack from the non-nut jobs. Maybe it’s time to start hiring some political relations people. A different message needs to get out.
All religions certainly have their pluses and their minuses, but the last time I checked, no Christian, Jew, Buddhist, or Hindu called for the execution of cartoonists who depicted Jesus, Moses, Buddha, or a Cow in a negative manner. The same cannot be said for Islam.
Rodney King is the thug and fool who deserved a few (but certainly not all) of those whacks from the Los Angeles Police Department. Despite being a total loser, he nailed one thing on the head. “Can’t we all just get along?” Or at least not murder in the name of God?
September 15, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XX
Earlier this week, a woman at work sent the entire building the following email: “I found 2 rings outside the women’s restroom on the 5th floor. If you can describe them, they are yours.”
That led to Coworker #1 making one of the finest suggestions in the history of suggestions.
Coworker #1: I think you should reply to all and ask her if they were cock rings.
Now that would be the email heard around the world!
Posted by fool at 12:58 AM | Comments (4)September 13, 2006
Which one should we Save, Doc?
One of my closest friends and I adamantly disagree about many things, one of which is whether all human lives are equal. He takes the position that it is not our job to judge. In other words, he thinks we must value every human being no more and no less than any other human being. I, like most other sane individuals, completely disagree.
Thus, I ask you what I asked him. If a child molester/drug dealer/terrorist and a firefighter/nun/teacher entered the emergency room at the same time with the same injury and were the same age and you could only save one of them, who would you save? (You’re a brilliant ER doctor in this scenario – thus, my degenerate ex-brother-in-law clearly doesn’t need to worry about answering this one.)
For me, it’s a total no brainer. I’m saving the firefighter/nun/teacher 100 out of 100 times. My friend, on the other hand, thinks it is impossible to make a choice; thus, he’d flip a coin or make the decision in some other unbiased manner.
To paraphrase John McEnroe. “He can’t be serious!” Can he be?
Posted by fool at 12:00 AM | Comments (14)September 07, 2006
You go, Hugo
From Drudge...
FLASH: Islamic Republic News Agency reports that [Iranian President Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad intends to travel to NYC, hopes to speak at UN on Sept. 19 at 7 PM; same day as Bush [whose speech is set for 11:30 AM] and day before [Venezuelan President] Hugo Chavez... Both Ahmadinejad and Chavez will fly from Havana where they will see [Cuban Dictator Fidel] Castro... Earlier, Ahmadinejad said he was ready for debate with Bush at UN General Assembly... Developing...
If TWA Flight 800 had “mechanical failure,” there’s no reason Mahmoud and Hugo’s plane[s] can’t have it too, right?
September 06, 2006
Conversations at Work: Volume XIX
Boss’ Secretary: Do you think I should try to set Coworker #1 up with the intern?
Thinking Fool: Absolutely not.
Boss’ Secretary: Really? Why not.
Thinking Fool: He’s not interested in dating her.
Boss’ Secretary: Why?
Thinking Fool: Because she looks like she has more diseases than the entire continent of Africa.
Boss’ Secretary: Yeah, I guess that’s true, but I still think we should try to set them up.
Coworker #1: (To me via instant message) Kill her. Now.Posted by fool at 12:00 AM
