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October 24, 2006
Nothing Says Loving like a Colt 47 Pointed in the Direction of the Pop Warner Coach's Head!
According to the Philadelphia Police Department, on Sunday morning, 40-year-old Wayne Derkotch pulled a gun on his son’s football coach after confronting the coach about his son’s lack of playing time.
Seems reasonable, no?
At the risk of being insensitive – Mr. Derkotch’s son is either six or seven years old – is anybody else interested in participating in a “How old will Mr. Derkotch’s son be when the son gets arrested for the first time” pool? (I'm not entirely certain how we'd run this pool, but "Pretty" or some other regular reader probably can come up with something sensible.)
As someone who is childless, I don't pretend to know what it's like to be a parent. However, as a former Little League Umpire, basketball referee, and current observer of the world, I am well aware that as soon as the child comes slithering out of the womb (they do come slithering out, don’t they?), the dormant "crazy gene" in parents gets activated. That's the only way to explain how once rational people become completely irrational (well, converting to radical Islam might be another explanation, but I digress).
In the most extreme cases, the activation of the crazy gene results in parents vastly overestimating their children's abilities, especially when the children are quite young. All of a sudden, five-year-old Johnny is going to be the next Derek Jeter while seven-year-old Susie is going to be the next Christie Brinkley.
It doesn't matter that Johnny's eye-hand-coordination is so horrendously awful that he can barely touch his pecker let alone hit a baseball, or that circus owners across the world keep begging Susie's parents to allow them to feature her in a new exhibit called, "The Elephant Man's Daughter!"
Facts will not stand in the way of how these parents view their young children. (Kind of like how facts do not stand in the way of how George Bush views the war in Iraq or how Democrats view the economy.)
For some of these intensely crazy parents, their children will always be superstars, always brimming with promising potential. Even after Susie’s gotten knocked up by five different men (two of whom are from different races) and Johnny’s become addicted to crystal meth and hookers, the parents know that their superstars will find a way to shine in life.
For the less crazy parents, the harsh reality starts to set in. Their children – once potential superstars – are really destined to become nothing more than average douche bag adults who will lie, steal, and cheat as long as it means getting ahead.
My hunch is that Wayne Derkotch will be the intensely crazy parent until the day he dies. After all, if you can’t get through the first seven years of your child’s life without pulling a gun on a coach, odds are that you’re going to have some rough times over the next dozen years.
So, I wish his son well (unless I draw a particularly young age in the “When will he commit a felony” pool). But for the sake of the rest of us, I ask Mr. Derkotch to consider a vasectomy. It’s the only way to ensure that he'll comply with his duties as the most recent addition to the “People Who Should Never Procreate (again in his case)” list.
Comments
this would have been a much better plotline for invincible or whatever that mark wahlberg football movie was called.
another example of why poor people should not be allowed to procreate.
Posted by: pretty at October 24, 2006 02:37 PM
you'd better hurry and get that pool going -- congress eager to outlaw online gambling completely (having recently restricted it this month in the Security and Accountability For Every (SAFE) Port Act of 2006). bah.
Posted by: LM at October 24, 2006 08:58 PM
is. congress IS.
:P
Posted by: LM at October 24, 2006 08:59 PM
Not only is the guy a crazy fucker, but his one son isn't even good enough to play on the 6-7 year old team. Those are the years when they supposedly let "everyone" play.
He is an ultimate failure.
Posted by: LB at October 25, 2006 12:24 AM
I blame liberal democrats and their ignorance of terrorism and rampant anti-Americanism for this sort of madness.
Posted by: Finished Law School at October 25, 2006 02:13 PM
Agreed, obviously the democrats fault. And that big faker, Michael J. Fox.
Posted by: over_educated at October 25, 2006 02:39 PM
As someone who's popped out two puppies thus far, I can pretty much guarantee that I'd gladly and without a second thought give my life for my kids, but can also assure you that pulling a gun on a coach is not a reaction that I'd consider even remotely reasonable. Me thinks the guy needs a reality check. And then some.
Posted by: Nicole Black at October 29, 2006 11:52 AM
