January 31, 2007
Randomness
Yesterday at the best food court in D.C., I ran into a former law school classmate. (I say former because he transferred after year one.) It was clear that this individual couldn't have uttered my name if you had a shotgun pointed at his head. Needless to say, I found this very enjoyable. I'm kicking myself for not introducing my coworkers to him. That would have put him in the precarious position of having to introduce me to his coworkers while thinking, "Oh crap, I can't remember his name!"
Can someone explain to me how Pat Sajak has been as succesful as he has been?
I haven't seen Letters from Iwo Jima, but as of now, my vote for best picture goes to Little Miss Sunshine. It's nothing short of brilliant
And finally, I engaged in a touching email exchange with the Cigarette Pedler yesterday. We hadn't conversed in months, so I was delighted to see his name appear in my inbox. The subject of his email was: "You are an asshole." The text of his message was: "why don't you go fuck yourself." I replied, "I hope I get to go to your funeral so I can spit in your coffin and tell people that's what I think of you." Nothing like keeping in touch with high school friends...
Posted by fool at 12:06 AM | Comments (5)January 30, 2007
Conversations at Work: Volume XXIV
Boss’ Secretary: Hey, do any of you guys want part of my candy bar?
Coworker #1: (Via instant messenger) Tell her to get it stuck in her throat!Posted by fool at 12:54 AM | Comments (3)
January 29, 2007
Wait, Who did you say was your Friend?
Man Being Profiled on 60 Minutes: “I would put my fingers in my ears and count very quickly in powers of 2. 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64.”
Morley Safer: “Numbers were a defense from the real world, yes?”
Man Being Profiled on 60 Minutes: “Yes. Numbers were my friend and they never changed. So they were reliable. I could trust them.”
All of a sudden, my day seems much better.
January 23, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near Most of You...
Children of Men
The Gist: For reasons that are never explained, women throughout the world are infertile and have been for the last twenty years. This undoubtedly leaves men at college campuses giddier than a group of Shiites at Saddam’s half-brother’s execution. However, the rest of the population is in great despair. Knowing that human beings will become extinct leads to mass consternation throughout the world – that or pharmacies simultaneously decided to stop filling Ritalin prescriptions. Enter Clive Owen, whose movies always do a nice job of making you feel dejected and dirty (much like a drive through Atlantic City). His ex-lover, Julianne Moore, tracks him down and asks for his help. It turns out that Moore’s anarchist organization, which enjoys using bombs where others would use op/ed pieces, has found a young African girl, whose belly is quite big (and it’s not from eating nachos). Somehow, this young woman has become pregnant. Actually, it wasn’t magic; she let a one-eyed snake roam around her captivating cave (at least, I inferred as much) and experienced the feeling that so many other young females experience after having unprotected sex, “What you talking about, Willis?” Moore’s anarchist organization wants to use the girl for political reasons – I’m not exactly certain what they planned on doing with her, though it probably involved blowing up things. But, Clive Owen ends up smuggling her across the country while trying to avoid being murdered by the anarchists. Sound good? It isn’t.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Oh, I’d say not making it in the first place would have been a great first step. Michael Caine is brilliant (isn’t he always?) as a retired hippie/ex-something (journalist?). He was the one bright spot in an otherwise very dark film.
Who Should See This: As Brother Fool noted, “If you are having a really bad day, then make sure you go see this extremely uplifting movie. You will be ready to slit your wrists for sure after seeing it.” Yes, sarcasm runs in the family.
The Verdict: D (without Michael Caine, it’d be an F)!
The Last King of Scotland
The Gist: A young Scottish doctor needs adventure in his life, so he travels to Uganda to lend his abilities to villagers. In the process, he somehow meets Idi Amin, who has recently become the country’s leader. Amin takes an immediate liking to the young doctor and asks him to be his personal physician. After the young doc accepts, he begins a tumultuous journey that leads him to witness Amin’s brutal, engaging, funny, and paranoid personality, and the many things that result. Forest Whitaker plays Amin and is nothing short of amazing. There’s a reason he’s winning all these awards.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Not much! The doctor is a fictional character, but all the rest of the stuff is fairly accurate from a historical standpoint. As with all history, parts are boring, but most is engaging to the core!
Who Should See This: If you like history or politics or simply amazing acting performances, then find a theater where this is playing and say, “One (or two or three or four) please.”
The Verdict: A-.
January 19, 2007
Racing against People Who Have No Idea There's a Race! (or How to make Your Subway Commute More Fun!)
One way I make the morning commute more interesting is by pretending I am a champion “thoroughbred” racing against other “thoroughbreds” (i.e. fellow Metro passengers) to see who can get through the fare gates first. I realize this sounds completely moronic, but if you start internally calling the action and imagining that you’re racing other passengers, it can be quite amusing.
“AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME... Thinking Fool is closing fast on the outside...”
My win-loss record is impeccable, largely because no one else but me knows there is any sort of race going on. (That and I also will sometimes move the finish line if I’m not faring as well as I’d like.)
Well yesterday, an awful thing happened.
I lost.
And I didn’t lose to just anyone.
I lost to a woman in a wheelchair. And it wasn't even a defeat, it was a complete thrashing.
Seeking solace, I immediately left a voicemail for a fellow law school grad, who recently admitted that he too races people during his daily commute on the Metro. I was curious if he had ever seen this woman.
“I definitely have seen her. She's like Mario Andretti. Unbeatable. I raced her once on a sidewalk and she humiliated me. All the while displaying visible anger at the true pedestrians who were walking at a normal pace in her path.”
Frankly, that made me feel a lot better.
January 17, 2007
A Late-Coming Commenter
Last February, I wrote “An Open Letter from Jimmy Carter to the American Public.” (It’s a particularly amusing entry if you’ve never read it.) Yesterday, someone identifying herself as “Jenna” left the following comment with respect to that entry:
You should be VERY ashamed of yourself.
It takes a very low and ignorant person to make a mockery of one of our nation's finest.
You have no class.
Jenna, I don’t know how you stumbled across that entry nearly a year after the fact, but I’m glad you did. You made my day. Seriously. Thank you very much. Please come again. (And by "come again," I mean visit my blog again, not do something that would involve a midget, a roll of yarn, and an instrument purchased from the Pleasure Palace.)
Posted by fool at 01:22 AM | Comments (7)January 15, 2007
Monday Musings...
One of the most wonderful things about law school is that if you truly despise a class – I’m talking about finding something so boring and difficult that you’d rather sit near Saddam’s grave watching weeds grow – you know it’s going to be over soon. For the last year and change, my job has felt like that one awful class. Fortunately, my boss and coworkers are wonderful and keep the non-substantive aspects of work interesting. Unfortunately, the work itself is as undesirable as a sex tape featuring Bob Barker and Betty White would be. (Do you think that would be popular on You Tube?)
Switching topics... a very happy birthday to Mama Fool, the best mom in the entire universe! I haven’t gotten her a gift yet, but I’m working on something, and you can rest assured that it won’t be a Pez dispenser. (It might be TWO Pez dispensers, but certainly not one.) Although I don’t often mention Mama Fool on this blog, she is an incredibly amazing human being who is an absolute rock in my life. To be blessed with two amazing parents, well, let’s just say sometimes I really think someone up there is looking out for me.
Posted by fool at 02:02 AM | Comments (5)January 11, 2007
Keeping Tabs on the Boss' Secretary
The other day, for some strange reason, Coworker #1, Coworker #2, and I decided to “live blog” about the Boss’ Secretary’s behavior. This is a sampling.
Coworker#1: Should we keep track of all the idiotic things [the Boss’ Secretary] does today?
Thinking Fool: [Coworker #1], Penicillin was a GOOD idea. This is a GREAT idea.
Coworker#1: Game on.
Coworker#1: 10:34 – She exclaims “Oh Crap” so everyone can hear.
Coworker#1: 10:34 – Bothers us with a personal issue. For the record, we have no interest in this personal issue. None. Zero. Zip.
Coworker#1: 1037 – During moment of silence, suddenly exclaims "Oh lord what should I put on this form where they ask what kind of salary I want?”
Thinking Fool: 1044 - Sudden unexplained and undecipherable outburst!
Coworker#1: 1045 - Draws all employees into personal issue taking away from our ability to work.
Thinking Fool: 1046 – Same.
Coworker#2: 1047 - Asks us to guess how much money it will cost for her to leave this job to take another one.
Coworker#2: 1047 - Being completely irrational and voicing it.
Coworker#1: 1047 - Bothers all 4 of us about the same issue.
Coworker#1: 1047- Bothers least productive employee.
Coworker#1: 1048 – She’s been away from her work station going on 13 minutes.
Coworker#2: 1049 - more discussion about matters that only she can resolve
Coworker#2: 1050 – Tries to figure out what year we’re in. I’m not kidding.
Coworker#1: 1050 – Loud, uncontrollable, distracting smoker’s cough.
Coworker#1: 1052 – Despite acting like insane person for last fifteen minutes, suddenly exclaims that whether she
gets this other job is not important to her.
Coworker#1: 1053- Finally concludes that she will demand an amount of money that is more money than she would ever deserve, though strangely, she seems to think she deserves it.
Coworker#2: 1054 – Loud, nonsensical outburst.
Thinking Fool: 1055 – Same.
Coworker#2: 1056 - More talking to no one followed by a very loud interruption.
Coworker#1: 1057-58 - Actual silence. God exists or she’s sleeping.
Coworker#1: 1059 – Makes inappropriate rip on Coworker #3. Inappropriate, but very funny, and on point!
Coworker#1: 1100: Makes completely inappropriate comment about another employee.
Coworker#1: 11:00 -inappropriate outburst!
Coworker#1: 11:01 – Same.
Coworker#1: 11:02 - 3x inappropriate outburst.
Coworker#1: 11:02 - 4x inappropriate outburst.
Coworker#1: 11:02 - 5x inappropriate outburst.
Coworker#1: 11:02 - 6x inappropriate outburst.
Coworker#2: 11:03 – launches into expletives followed by more incoherent talking and then an incorrect observation about current political event.
Coworker#2: 11:04 – Sudden outburst followed by inappropriate proposition to female employee.
Coworker#1: 11:05 – Utters comment with anti-semetic overtones.
Coworker#1: 11:06: - Exclaims, "Oh Christ. Do I have to be politically correct!"
Coworker#2: 11:07 – More conversation directed at no one.
Thinking Fool: 11:42 – Makes another inappropriate joke about Coworker #3.
Coworker#1: 1142 – Sudden outburst
Coworker#2: 1143 – Same.
Thinking Fool: 1153 – Asks coworker name of hotel where boss stayed on recent business trip. Coworker has no
idea. Why would he?
Coworker#1: 12:05 calls employee dumb
Coworker#2: 12:05 trying to show her intelligence.
Thinking Fool: 1206: bothers the hell out of me. does not mention any plans to kill herself unfortunately.
Coworker#1: 12:12 inappropriate asking questions about another employee on same floor, i.e. meddling.
Coworker#1: 1214-excessively loud crumpling of paper
Coworker#2: 231 - unnecessary comment addressing appetite
Coworker#2: 232 - unnecessary utterance re fool
Coworker#1: 234- exclaims "The two worst things about my job are filing papers and copying"
Coworker#2: 234 fabricating the truth about job description
Coworker#2: 234 - self praise about completing 2 hours worth of work and claiming to have followed through from
start to finish on filing papers.
Coworker#2: 3:05 smokers cough
Thinking Fool: 3:27 SUDDEN OUTBURST. "OH GOD"
Coworker#2: 327 – Asking about personal legal matter with coworker.
Coworker#2: 328 – Refusing to take blame for error that she caused.
Coworker#2: 329 – Exclaims, “Ugh.”
Coworker#1: 330 – Actually admits she made mistake with paperwork she filed.
Coworker#2: - 330 – Exclaims “im so stressed'”
Coworker#1:- 331- starts asking each of us how she can cover up her error to conceal it from our boss.
Coworker#2: - 3:38 – Her cell phone rings loudly. She runs into Fool’s office and asks him to answer her cell phone for her.
Thinking Fool: - 3:39 – remains in my office, talking on phone with her friend while i'm trying to work. won’t leave even though i shoo her away. ah, now she’s gone.
Coworker#1: 340-brings cell phone back into fool’s office while he’s working, puts friend on speaker and forces fool to listen to phone conversation
Coworker#1: 340 - lies to friend on phone.
Coworker#1: 341 - brings cell phone into boss’ private office.
Coworker#1: 3:41 likely sitting on couch without permission. maybe sleeping.
Coworker#2: 342 – now talking to husband on cell phone.
Coworker#2: 343 – lying to husband.
Coworker#1: 3:44 - inappropriate outburst
Thinking Fool: 3:44: Lies about my wanting to meet her friend at happy hour.
Coworker#1: 344 – Inappropriate comment to coworker.
Coworker#2: 345 - insults husband after marriage of 15+ years
Coworker#1: 345 – requires all of us to listen to what she talked about to her friend and husband.
Thinking Fool: 346 actual silence – strange.
Coworker#2: 347 I’m regaining focus - must take advantage of next couple minutes. anticipate an outburst before 349.
Coworker#1: 347 Agreed.
Coworker#1: 356 – Inappropriate loud cellphone ring goes off.
Coworker#1: - bothers Coworker #2 about a non-issue
Thinking Fool: 358 - comes into my office to tell me she's feeling sensitive. and that her friend would rather hang out with guys than her. this upsets her.
Thinking Fool: 359 - her phone rings again. (most annoying ringer in the world)
Coworker#2: 359 - grunting and annoying cell phone ring
Coworker#1: 359: asks fool again to answer her cell phone
Thinking Fool: 359 - comes barging into my office insisting that i answer her phone AGAIN to play a trick on her
friend.
Coworker#2: 359 - still asking fool to answer phone
Thinking Fool: 359 - gets mad at me for asking my door to be closed
Coworker#2: 359 - stressful grunts "I am having a crappy day"
Thinking Fool: 4:00 - does not kill herself
Coworker#1: 401 speaks with outside voice entire conversation
Coworker#2: 401 - planning her drinking trip this afternoon
Thinking Fool: 4:01 - repeats in outside voice "i'm having a bad day"
Coworker#1: 401 - yells at friend
Thinking Fool: 404 - sends email to three male coworkers about happy hour and tells us she's having bad day.
Coworker#1: 405 Email title: "I'm Having a Bad Day"
Coworker#1: 405: contents of email about her friend. “Okay, whatever you want to do. We are meeting at 6:00 for drinks at [Name of Bar]. I hope you can meet this goofball so I don't have to deal with him alone.”
Coworker#1: 417: 413-417-on phone-personal call
Coworker#1: 440 - Asks visitor to office who was awarded the highest medal of honor the country provides to generals if he knows which day of the week it is.
Thinking Fool: 454: Answers our completely inappropriate questions about her niece and her niece's boyfriend.
Thinking Fool: 4:55 starts telling story about niece's boyfriend.
Thinking Fool: 4:55 says something about not liking him because he likes star trek.
Coworker#2: 520 - she leaves to go drinking after fixing hair for three minutes
This pretty much goes on everyday – not the live blogging, but her behavior. At least she keeps things interesting!
January 10, 2007
The Worst Gift-Giver Ever!
GE Friend celebrated a birthday last week. His father, a doctor, gives horrible gifts. Actually, “horrible” doesn’t even begin to accurately describe these things. They are the kinds of gifts you’d appreciate only if they came from a homeless person or a five-year-old (and the five-year-old would actually have to be mentally retarded before you’d think, “Oh, how sweet!”). Yesterday, I sent GE Friend an email explaining that although I had purchased him a birthday gift that only cost me a whopping dollar, I was certain he’d like it. That prompted him to explain his father’s latest gift-giving crapfest.
My dad's gift was one for the books. WORST EVER! Some crappy t-shirt that says “Jamaica” on it. I think he and [his completely worthless wife] went there recently so he must've found it at the airport in the $5 bin. But that's not all! He also gave me a Star Wars Pez dispenser, not a small one that you put candy in, but a big one where you put multiple packages of the candy in. First of all, I hate Pez, but I guess I can't hold that against him because I've never mentioned this to him thinking it would never come up as a gift idea. Then he also gave me this big thing of chocolate shaped like a wine bottle, again looking like it came from the 99 cent store. I don't know if somewhere along the line he thought we came up with some kind of rule that there's a $20 limit on how much he can spend for my birthday, but I certainly don’t remember having that conversation. For [my sister’s] birthday in December, he got her a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory. That was nice because she can use it, but it was only for $25. How the hell are you supposed to eat a meal for two with that there? Does he want her to go by herself because she can't go with someone else and expect that to cover it? Why wouldn't he make it for at least $50? After she saw my gifts though, she's probably glad. I already threw out the shirt and I guess I'll throw out the Pez too because I tried some last night and it was awful. I may give the chocolate thing to [my youngest sister] because I don't like dark chocolate, but I'm afraid she'll get sick, it came in a very cheap looking container. So this year, he was 0-3, which means if your gift is something I don't immediately throw out, yours will be better even if you only spent 99 cents.
It’s nice to know that the bar has been set so low.
On a completely different note, Happy Birthday to the best father and friend in the world, Papa Fool! I won't call GE Friend's dad to help me think of birthday gifts for you.
Posted by fool at 12:10 AM | Comments (4)January 07, 2007
Dear Amy Fool
The Washington Post has good advice columnists. I just wish I could be one of them.
Dear Lonely,
Let’s start with the most important thing first. You’ve lived in Europe for 14 months and still haven’t been able to pick up the language well enough to get by? Thank God your husband is a doctor. That gives me a smidgeon of hope that if you two should ever procreate, your kids won’t be as stupid as you are. Then again, your husband probably isn't exactly a rocket scientist given his inability to secure a decent medical residency in the United States, huh? Go get your tubes tied tomorrow. Maybe the doctor who performs the operation will want to befriend you. It's doubtful, but you never know.
Second, I bet you thought establishing that idiotic “local” phone number should have been recognized as one of the most brilliant things any person has ever done in the history of the world. You’re a regular Thomas Edison in your mind, aren’t you? Well, take it from me and the countless others who have been forced to communicate with you on some level; you are to Thomas Edison what a piece of poop is to a fabulous steak. I have had turds come out of my body that were more intelligent than you are.
Third, the reason your friends don’t call you very much is simple. You’re a loser whom your “friends” couldn’t wait to dump. You are that person who somehow manages to stay involved in people’s lives even though they desperately wish they’d see missing posters with your picture on them plastered across town.
Fourth, it’s 2007, not 1977. You can actually place a call from Europe to the United States for a paltry amount of money. I wouldn’t expect a lowlife moron like you to know this, but perhaps instead of whining about your friends never calling you, you could actually take some initiative and dial their phone numbers. Oh, now there’s a radical thought, huh? And that would kill your brilliant “But I established a local U.S.A. number so they could call me” dream, wouldn’t it? Well, guess what. Tough f***ing sh*t! Dreams die and then you adapt. If everyone behaved like you did, the television show Lassie would have ended when the dog who originally played Lassie died. Well, guess what? The show didn’t die. They found a new dog. But then again, had it been you, you would have canceled the show. God, you're a loser.
Fifth, I dare you to send your little “I’m disconnecting this phone number because no one ever calls me anymore” email. Please forward me the responses from your friends. I guarantee that most of them will write something like, “Lonely, the amount of energy you’ve sucked out of me is greater than the amount of semen Heidi Klum has sucked out of Seal; good riddance forever. Don't come back!” I’d love to publish your "friends'" responses for my readers. I’m sure they’d enjoy them.
Sixth, do you have any idea that most of these alleged friends of yours have banged your husband? If the thought hasn’t crossed your mind until now, I apologize, but most of your friends have had themselves wrapped around your husband like newspaper around a fish before and after you guys were married. That’s another reason they don’t want to talk to you anymore – there’s no point in keeping the "friendship" alive now that the meat they like to use is across the pond.
Seventh, thank you so much for writing. My readers' letters are so special to me, and I hope my response has been helpful. Good luck to you. I'll be thinking about you and your husband and praying for a wonderful resolution and blissful future for you guys.
~Fool
If you have a question you’d like the Thinking Fool to answer, write him at ThinkingFool at gmail dot com.
Posted by fool at 10:42 PM | Comments (5)January 05, 2007
Playing at a Theater Near You...
The Good Shepherd
The Gist: In order of importance: (1) Matt Damon meets and bangs Angelina Jolie at a Skull and Bones party; (2) Jolie gets pregnant; (3) Damon is tapped to become an intelligence officer overseas; (4) Joe Pesci appears in a wonderful cameo; (5) Some Soviet defector claims to be someone important; (6) You can’t trust anybody; (7) Alec Baldwin works for the FBI; (8) William Hurt is a lying punk, or is he? (9) Damon’s son grows up wanting to follow in his father’s footsteps (even though he hardly knows his dad) and finds himself a nice ethnic girl to marry who might not be so nice; (10) The Bay of Pigs was a failure due to an American leak alerting Castro and his fellow Commie Comrade Bastards. I’d write more, but I couldn’t piece together a coherent narrative of what this movie was about if you held a gun to my head.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: Angelina Jolie going at it with Matt Damon every thirty minutes or so. At least that would have been fun to watch! Have you ever noticed that a lot of movies starring Robert DeNiro are really long and boring? I know he’s a fabulous actor, but some of his stuff – especially from the 70s – just goes on and on like the Energizer Bunny on crack. As the director, DeNiro pieces together an incredibly incoherent movie, which is rarely suspenseful and hardly informative and way too long. If the first two thirds of the film were anything like the last third, this one could have been saved. Unfortunately, such was not the case.
Who Should See This: If you want to know the history of the CIA, try checking out wikipedia. I can’t really recommend this film to anyone. The last third was good, but up until that point, ushers paraded up and down the aisles to keep people from committing suicide.
The Verdict: D.
Notes on a Scandal
The Gist: Cate Blanchett plays a beautiful young art teacher who ends up letting one of her 15-year-old students pound her like a tenderized piece of meat. Judi Dench is a stodgy old teacher whom students neither bang nor like, but whom they at least respect. Dench ends up befriending Blanchett and learning about her illicit affair. She uses that information to become more deeply entrenched in Blanchett’s life to the point where it makes you think, “Something ain’t right, Willis!” Think Fatal Attraction on training wheels with a lesbian thrown in the mix.
What Would Have Made this Movie Better: More sex scenes with Cate (obviously). Aside from that, I don’t think much should have been changed.
Who Should See This: People who enjoy art-house flicks that aren’t too far removed from conventional films. Also, Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench fans, of course, because both are excellent as usual.
The Verdict: Ultimately, this one just didn’t captivate me the whole time. So I give it a B-.
January 03, 2007
An Open Letter to Waiters and Waitresses
Dear Restaurant Servers of America,
Perhaps I have an invisible tattoo on my forehead that only you can read. Perhaps that tattoo indicates that I am only worthy of second-rate attention and service. Why else do you consistently fail to bring me free “extras,” such as bread and water when all the other tables in your restaurants proudly display such items? I am certainly not overweight – so assuming I’m on a no-carb diet is implausible to say the least. Although I don’t often wear a tux or even a tie, I also do not dress in clothing that would cause you and your fellow colleagues to contemplate whether I will try to pay my bill with food stamps. Whether it’s the Cheesecake Factory or Ruth’s Chris or Matchbox or the local Soup Kitchen, I am consistently perplexed why I don’t get what others get. And yet, I always end up tipping you at least 20% in an effort to buck the stereotype that younger people are crappy tippers. One of my resolutions for the year 2007 is to rethink my philosophy and start rewarding poor service the good-old fashioned way – by telling your managers that I saw you urinate in two of the ketchup bottles.
Sincerely,
Thinking Fool
